Emily Ann Hill

Ken Kupchik

The Official Guide to Blissfully Surviving the Modern Workplace

I Hope This Email Finds You Never

"Welcome to the world's oldest profession ... sales. Working in sales, you have the opportunity to make more money and drink more coffee than you ever thought possible! You also get these bonus benefits: customers who lie to your face, quotas that change as soon as you hit them, management that puts soul-crushing demands on you to produce ... and so much pressure you're likely to experience PSSD (Post Sales Stress Disorder). Whether you've been in sales for a while, are new to the game, or just need a lift, this humorous yet practical guide shows you how to: overcome objections without tears; get out of a sales slump ... legally; cold call without sedatives; beg for referrals; spot common types of customers, coworkers, and managers; decipher compensation plans; deal with the day-to-day; maintain a social life (mission impossible); and much, much more. The Sales Survival Handbook contains all the do's, don'ts, quizzes, lists, and real-world advice you need to survive the agony and enjoy the ecstasy of your sales career."--Publisher description.

cold calls, commissions, and caffeine addiction-- the real truth about life in sales

The sales survival handbook

Ahhh, the modern workplace: a cauldron of stress and anxiety. From the moment we accept a new role, we’re thrown into a world of competing personalities, shifting protocols, and an endless stream of emails, Slack messages, and Zoom calls, all of which serve to distract us from the things we truly want to be doing, like eating Thai food and sleeping until noon. I Hope This Email Finds You Never puts aside the motivational screeds, productivity hacks, and pop-science, and focuses instead on those things in the workplace that truly cause us grief—like a coworker eating an apple during a video call—in a lighthearted, entertaining, and (most importantly) cynical way. Some things you’ll learn: How long you can get away with being “new” until you’re held accountable How to make it look like you’re sorry without giving up any power How to find a workplace friend and make a workplace enemy Camera position: how to set up your laptop for maximum dominance Organizing your calendar while leaving time to cry The rules of the kitchen (stealing someone’s yogurt is literally a crime) Writing a letter of resignation when you’ve already been resigned from day one From Orientation (The Descent), Workplace Etiquette (No Eye Contact Before 11 AM), Working Remotely (Wink Wink), Coworkers (Getting Along with your fellow inmates), and everything in between, I Hope This Email Finds You Never is your must-have guide to surviving (thriving is not realistic) in the modern workplace.

Ken Kupchik

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