Mark Leigh

You know you're a child of the 80's when -

Mike Lepine

Oh dear. It seems that our furry friends have picked up some very bad language. From gutter-mouthed guppies to Fidos that say ‘f***!’, Foul-Mouthed Pets combines comical and cute photos with inappropriate captions to tickle the belly of animal lovers everywhere.

Foul-Mouthed Pets

The Loo Companion contains pages of trivia, news stories, historic references, quotes, anecdotes, statistics, sudoku, jokes, quizzes, puzzles, and more ... all written in bite-sized chunks, perfect for the reader to dip into - however long they're otherwise 'engaged'.

Are You Sitting Comfortably?

The Loo Companion

Kitty Pusskin

Written by a cat, and with helpful insights by other cats, How to Be a Cat is essential reading not just for all felines but also for their owners and cat lovers alike . if only to get an insight into their pet's sometimes curious behaviour. As you'd expect from a book written by a cat about humans, the advice can be condescending, cynical and anarchic in equal measures. Kitty Pusskin and her cat companions offer helpful observations and advice on specific feline issues, such as the best kind of furniture on which to sharpen your claws, how to wake up owners who don't supply breakfast on time, and why you should never leave an empty box unexplored. How to Be a Cat is the official rulebook of the feline world, a hilarious and useful guide for living with - or putting up with - humans, and always getting the upper paw.

Kitty Pusskin's Guide to Living with Humans and Getting the Upper Paw

How to Be a Cat

Maxwell Woofington

Written by a dog, and with helpful additions by other dogs, How to Be a Dog is essential reading not only for all canines but also for their owners and dog lovers, providing an insight into their pet's sometimes curious behaviour. As you'd expect from a book written by a dog about humans, it's irreverent, cynical and disrespectful. Dogs provide helpful observations and advice on specific issues: for example, how to retain any semblance of self-esteem while wearing the 'Cone of Shame' anti-scratch collar or how to really frustrate your owner when playing 'fetch'. How to Be a Dog is the official rulebook of the doggie world - a hilarious guide for living with - or putting up with - humans, and always getting the upper hand (or paw).

Maxwell Woofington's Guide to Living with Humans and Getting the Upper Paw

How to Be a Dog

Adrian Edmondson

How to be a Complete Bastard

Rolf Harris

More True Animal Tales

Beastly Behaviour

Barney Leigh

Die Teddys der Promis und Stars

My Guide to Patriotism, Britishness and Other Stuff.Do you go into fits of absolute apoplexy when you hear the words Eurozone, Climate Change and Foreign Aid? Do the words savoir-faire, zeitgeist and polski sklep make you feel uncomfortable and apprehensive? Do you take great comfort in familiarity and find yourself saying, 'Back in my day...', 'I remember when...' and 'Call that art?' Congratulations - you're just like me!I don't just mean a thoroughly decent bloke, but also someone who's happy to speak his mind and call a spade a spade - and doesn't give a tuppenny toss whom he upsets.Within these pages you'll find my thoughts and views on a wide range of subjects, all unapologetically based on prejudice, irrationality and political incorrectness, including:Why global warming is just a load of liberal hot airThe Metric System: Satan's measurementsWhy don't the Chattering Classes just shut their gobs? 25 reasons why it's good to smokeCitizenship Test: UKIP styleThe European UnionThree words that carry the exact same appeal as 'Starring Hugh Grant' This book is as much about what puts the Great in Great Britain as is it is about what's wrong with foreigners and foreign policy - and how I'll make it right.A parody by Mark Leigh

World According To Nigel Farage

Herewith a handful of sample entries to tickle your funny bones... In the 1824 war between Britain and Ashanti (now part of Ghana), the British Redcoats found themselves surrounded by 10,000 fierce Ashanti warriors, and running very low on ammunition. Their commander ordered Charles Brandon, the army’s stores manager, to break open the reserve ammunition he’d ordered. As the Ashanti advanced Brandon began to open the ammunition boxes – only to find he had brought the wrong supplies. They were all full of biscuits. The grandfather of film star Lana Turner owned a half share in a brand new company that had started bottling a fizzy drink. He thought the drink’s name would affect its saleability and wanted to change it – without success. In frustration and as a protest he sold his 50%. It’s a pity really because Coca-Cola became quite popular... Italian Vittoria Luise was out driving during a fierce storm in Naples. A huge gust of wind blew his car into the River Sele. The car began to sink, but the calm motorist managed to break a window and swim to safety. He dragged himself onto the riverbank – and it was here that he was hit by a falling tree and killed. The Times of 19 October 1986 carried the story of Emilio Tarra, a crewmember of the 1986 America’s Cup race, who was driving from Perth towards Adelaide during the Australian leg of the race. En route, his car sideswiped a kangaroo, leaving it sprawled across the road. Tarra got out of his car and, assuming the kangaroo was dead, decided to take a novelty photograph to show his colleagues. Dressing the kangaroo up in his smart team blazer, he propped it against his car to take its photograph. As he was focusing his camera, the kangaroo, which had only been stunned, woke up and bounded back off into the bush, taking with it the jacket, which contained Tarra’s passport, $2,000 worth of cash and his credit cards.

The Ultimate Book of Blunders

Epic Fail

Thoroughly Decent Bloke a

Are you belligerent, tetchy, and bigoted? Is being called "ill-informed and intolerant" a badge of honor rather than an insult? Do you go into fits of absolute apoplexy when you hear the words Eurozone, Ikea, and Caramel Macchiato? Are you confused and annoyed by muesli, multiculturalism, and women in the armed forces? Do you take great comfort in familiarity and find yourself saying, "Back in my day," "I remember when," and "Call that art?" Congratulations! You re an ideal UKIP supporter or, even better, candidate and this is the book for you! Covering a wide range of topics, not just the EU, "The Guide to Britishness, Patriotism and Other Stuff" is as much about what puts the Great in Great Britain as is it is about what s wrong with foreigners."

World According to Nigel Farage

Pull up a seat and take a pit stop with this amusing toilet book. The Loo Companion is a hilarious and entertaining addition to any bathroom, guaranteed to expand your mind and make you laugh whenever nature calls. This book contains pages of trivia, news stories, historic references, quotes, anecdotes, statistics, sudoku, jokes, quizzes, puzzles, and more ... all written in bitesized chunks, perfect for the reader to dip into - however long they're otherwise 'engaged'. Filled with humorous facts about toilet-related activity, as well as a compendium of some more generic humour, there is something for everyone. So whenever you're going to see a man about a dog, this book will guarantee you'll never be bored and keep you glued to your seat.

Sexual failures of the world unite! Now is the time to stand up and be counted (or measured).A celebration of sexual failures, Is It In Yet? is an antidote to all those self-help books obsessed with sexual performance. Aimed not just at those with serious shortcomings, it’s a book for anyone for whom the phrase ‘cock-up in the bedroom’ is only ever associated with humiliation. These bizarre but true tales of sexual stupidity and strangeness include:The perils of having sex with a hot lasagne The couple who suffocated while making love in the back of a hearse The flasher who only exposed himself to department store mannequinsThe man who mistook superglue for lubricantAlarming fetishes including clowns, falling downstairs and licking eyeballsThe man who married his horse (and gave her lingerie) The woman who took five years to discover her boyfriend was actually femaleIf it’s deviant, disturbing or just plain dumb... you’ll find it in Is It In Yet?

Is It In Yet? The Big Book of Sexual Failures

HUMOUR. Sexual failures of the world unite! Now is the time to stand up and be counted (or measured). A celebration of sexual failures, Is It In Yet? is an antidote to all those self-help books obsessed with sexual performance. Aimed not just at those with serious shortcomings, it's a book for anyone for whom the phrase 'cock-up in the bedroom' is only ever associated with humiliation. These bizarre but true tales of sexual stupidity and strangeness include: The perils of having sex with a hot lasagne * The couple who suffocated while making love in the back of a hearse * The flasher who only exposed himself to department store mannequins * The man who mistook superglue for lubricant * Alarming fetishes including clowns, falling downstairs and licking eyeballs * The man who married his horse (and gave her lingerie) * The woman who took five years to discover her boyfriend was actually female If it's deviant, disturbing or just plain dumb ...

The Big Book of Sexual Failures

Is It in Yet?

Did you know? Salvador Dali sometimes wore a perfume of fish glue and cow dung to attract his then girlfriend, Gala. Have you heard, seen or read about something so bizarre and incredible that it leaves you bamboozled for the rest of the day? No? Then you haven't read Weird Sh!t. This eclectic and eccentric mix of news stories, events, concepts and conceits reveals a world removed from reality as you know it. Prepare to depart from this seemingly conventional life and arrive at a destination full of downright weird and wonderful shit.

True Stories to Shock, Stun, Astound and Amaze

Weird Sh!t

What's ILL in one place can be WACK in another, or the same word can actually have TOTES different meanings. It's CRAY CRAY! From KEWL girls hitting on HENCH boys to wannabe gangstas hangin' with their DOGGS in the ENDZ, teen slang can leave NOOBS CONFUZZLED. If you want to appear DOPE or just want to know WTF is going on, How to Talk Teen is the ultimate guide! Bugly : Short for butt ugly; exceeded on the ugly ranking by dugly and fugly. Pfun: More than mere fun. This is pure fun. Rando: A random person who appears at parties but who no one seems to know, let alone invited. Hiberdating: Disappearing from view because you're spending almost all your time with your new boyfriend/girlfriend. Nodel: Someone who thinks they look like a model . . . but nobody else does. Rentsy: Acting like parents, i.e. acting responsibly or demonstrating a nauseating taste in music. Mis-wave: To wave back at someone you think is waving at you, but who was actually waving to someone else. Ugly radius: The distance from you that someone stops looking attractive. Hot mess: Someone attractive who looks cool and in control, but who's an emotional train wreck. Lipsin: Kissing energetically - but less aggressively than a full-on snog. Selfie claw: Your contorted hand as you simultaneously hold your phone and take the photo. Air Five: High-five greeting to someone from across a room. Endz: The street where you live or the immediate neighbourhood. Pit stick: Underarm antiperspirant/deodorant. Top bantz: Particularly insightful or mocking banter. Hashtag Douchebag: A moron who uses hashtags excessively in anything they type in an attempt to be witty

From Asshat to Zup, the Totes Awesome Dictionary of Teenage Slang

How to Talk Teen

A laugh-out-loud humor book in the vein of Darwin Awards, collecting stupid stories of real-life screw-ups "I never really wanted to go to Japan simply because I don't really like eating fish. I know that's very popular out there in Africa." —Britney Spears "I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman." —Arnold Schwarzenegger, former governor of California Failure can be caused by many things—bad luck, stupidity, or a basic failure to grasp the law of gravity. One thing is certain—when it happens to other people, it's painfully funny. This is a collection of those hilarious, cringeworthy moments. It includes the terrorist who didn't pay enough postage and had his mail bomb returned to sender, the thief who pickpocketed a top international springer, and the hundreds of men who responded to an ad for a penis enlarger, only to be sent a magnifying glass. Mistakes and mishaps, you'll find the best ones here.

What's wrong with Europe? Ignoring the fact that the EU is a grotesque, officious money sucking totalitarian machine that devours national sovereignty and pukes out unwanted, unwelcome and intrusive legislation, there's a whole variety of other reasons including: Shops that open at 10am and close at 4pm - with a two-hour lunch break in between. Oompah bands. Restaurant staff with the manners of a gibbon and the sense of urgency of a sloth. Parisians. Police forces who are the bastard offspring of the Gestapo and the Stasi. The whole concept of 'mañana. 'National costumes that are as preposterous as they are pointless. Polish spelling. Drivers who view speed limits as targets rather than warnings. Yodelling. Bouzouki music. Street signs that are a homage to small typography rather than an actual guide to your location. Donkey abuse. Women who act under the misguided idea that armpit hair is remotely sexy. The 24hr clock. Using a comma as a decimal point. Father Abraham and the Smurfs. Eurodisco. Eurozone. Eurotrash. Eurovision. Anything else preceded by the word 'Euro' (apart from Euro sceptic). The Cheeky Girls. This is less of a guidebook and more of a warning...

Mark Leigh

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