Name: Chasers of the Wind
ISBN: 9780765334893

Alexey Pehov

A tale set in a war-decimated world finds a soldier and a barbarian teaming up to survive a horde attack while a married pair of master thieves seek retirement, unaware that they hold the key to a formidable magical weapon. 10,000 first printing.

Chasers of the Wind

Sarah Escorsa

✔ The good thing about this book is that it’s, um, you know, slightly pretty good and stuff.

✘ The bad thing about this Slightly Pretty Good Book™ is that it ends on a Cliffhanger of Doom and Oblivion™.

✘ The bad, BAD thing about this Slightly Pretty Good Book of the Cliffhanger Doom and Oblivion Ending™ is that THE BLOODY SHRIMPING PUBLISHER HAS NO BLOODY SHRIMPING PLAN TO BLOODY SHRIMPING PUBLISH THE REMAINDER OF THE SERIES IN ANY LANGUAGE KNOWN TO A CERTAIN FORMER NEFARIOUS BREEDER OF MURDEROUS CRUSTACEANS.

 

To think I’m the one with the bad rep around here, and that most decapods think I’m ruthless and heartless and evil and cruel and diabolical and stuff! That’s only because they don’t know the Wickedly Malevolent Tor Books Overlords, if you ask me. Humph and harrumph and stuff! I am quite outrageously put out and stuff!

Okay, so I could do the lazy-as-a-lethargic-barnacle-on-extra-strength-valium thing, and decide not to review this book at all. I mean, what would be the point, anyway? It’s not like anyone is going to bother to pick it up, now that I’ve revealed the awful, ugly, YOU-WILL-NEVER-KNOW-WHAT-HAPPENS-NEXT-UNLESS-YOU-LEARN-RUSSIAN truth about it. So those who are a little Russian might be willing to give it a try. And those who are slightly fluent in Evil Russian Speakation™, too. But the rest of the Lowly Barnacled Bunch™? Pretty sure they don’t give a fish about this Slightly Pretty Good Book™ and/or what the shrimp it might be about. Anyway. My point is (because yes, I have one. Point, I mean. I also have crustacean-launching cannons, just so you know), I could have not reviewed the book because why bother and stuff but I’m feeling super extra energetic and bold and audacious today so I will and no no, really, I insist, my pleasure and stuff.



Don’t ask. 

So, you should read this Slightly Pretty Good Book™ (even though YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT) because:

① If you don’t the Evil Russians™ will might come for you, and you will might never be heard of again.

② The world is pretty yummilicious. It kind of reads like your standard Fantasy fare at first, but turns out to be deliciously dark and epic and original and fresh and stuff. There’s Super Extra Cool Magic™, Delightfully Delightful Necromancy™ *waves at her boyfriend Johannes Cabal*, Ha Ha Ha Stuff™, and a most delectable array of Exquisitely Diverse Characters™ (exploding fish-like people and winged people and return-of-the-living-dead-type-people, oh my!). 

③ There are delicious, ancient villains whose names alone make my exoskeleton tingle and shiver and flutter and stuff. I mean, these evil guys and chicks are named after horrendous diseases! How amazing is that?! We’ve got Leprosy! We’ve got Typhoid! We’ve got Consumption! Aren’t those the cutest names ever?! I’m feeling super inspired all of a sudden, and can’t wait for the next batch of murderous crustaceans to hatch. My new babies are going to have the coolest, most charming names ever! I am all excite and stuff!

④ The most scrumptious cast of characters is most eclectic and most scrumptious. And the most scrumptious thing about the scrumptious cast is that none of its scrumptious members are entirely very good. And that’s pretty scrumptious, if you ask me. There is a scrumptious husband-wife team of yummy assassins with bucket loads of scrumptious thugs at their heels. There is also a most scrumptious red-haired, kilt-wearing, Viking-type scout dude who may or may not be residing in my High Security Harem as we speak. There is also Viking-type scout dude’s reluctant sidekick whose main reason for being scrumptious resides in the fact that he has a thing for toads being screwed (don’t ask). There are also most scrumptious traitors but spoiler spoiler spoiler so spoiler spoiler spoiler. All in all, I would almost be tempted to say that the cast of characters is nearly most scrumptious. A little.



I’m with you on that one, O Onion-Ringed One.

⑤ Severed limbs and detached heads, yay! I should have started with that one, come to think of it. I mean, blood, gore and jolly dismemberment are all one really needs in life to be gloriously and blissfully happy, is it not? I knew you’d agree with me on that one, Comely Arthropods Mine.

⑥ Alternate first and third person POVs. Okay, so it seems that some People of the Despicable Book Taste™ who read paper/digital/whatever editions of this book think alternating between first and third person narrative was sometimes confusing and clunky and clumsy and stuff. They obviously read the book wrong. They obviously should have done the Superiorly Clever Thing™, like my little self, and listened to the audio version. Because there are two separate narrators, one for the first person POV, and one for the third person POV. Ha. And both do a pretty wondrous job, too. Ha². So no confusion, clumsiness or clunkiness this side of the Mariana Trench. Ha³. Not to mention that none of the translation issues some People of the Despicable Book Taste™ mentioned in their reviews are noticeable in the audio version. Ha⁴.



So. My advice to you Boldalicious Barnacles would be to read this Slightly Pretty Good Book™ (even though YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT), and then either learn  how to read Russian in 10 minutes or rent a platoon of murderous crustaceans from me (at the reduced priced of $1,000,000) and threaten to unleash them on Tor Books if the rest of the series isn’t released in English within the next two months by the end of the year (“but hey, no pressure” message included in the rental price). Pretty sure one of these solutions will work great for you. Especially the second one. Just a feeling my bank account has I have. In the meantime, I’ll be personally contributing to the Wind and Sparks War Effort™ by innocently casting the baleful, vindictive glare of a thousand pissed-off, homicidal shrimps on the lovely Tor Books people. I expect positive results post haste. 

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[Pre-review nonsense]

That feeling you get when the book you just finished ends in a Bloody Stinking Cliffhanger (BSC™) but the lovely people at Tor the Bloody Shrimping Publisher (BSP™) has no plans to release the rest of the series:



And also:



And also, also:



➽ Full Someone Better Release The Rest of This Series Post Haste Or Else Someone Might Perhaps Maybe Possibly Unleash A Bunch Of Murderous Crustaceans On Someone But Hey No Pressure And Stuff Crappy Non Review  (BSPYBRATBITSPHOESMPPMUABOMCOYBHNPASCNR™) to come.



[October 2017]

The Evil Russians™ super enthusiastically rated this book 3 miserable little stars, so of course I had to read it. That's crustacean logic for you. Or maybe Exceptionally Efficient Long Distance Russian Brain Hacking (EELDRBH™) at work.



Ha! I knew it! Okay, Evgeny, you can ditch the silly costume now, we all know it's you. The axe is a nice touch, though. I think you should keep it.

Chasers of the Wind

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