Name: Aloha from Hell
ISBN: 9780061714320

Richard Kadrey

Teeming with supernatural mayhem, this fast-paced, ultraviolent thriller once again features Stark, a bounty hunter paid by Lucifer to hunt down and kill rogue monsters. 30,000 first printing.

Aloha from Hell

Someone

When you're born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it's not.

Sarah Escorsa

Actual rating: 4.45 stars. Such a ridiculously low rating. Shame on me and stuff.

So. Embarrassing Confession Time (ECT™): there was a point when I reading my boyfriend's latest adventures this book when I actually considered going for a 3.5-star rating. 



I know, dear boyfriend #4572 Cary, I know. I should probably go hide in an undersea cave or something. To atone for this most ignominious behavior and stuff. Yeah, I have to admit this wasn't one of my mostest gloriousest moments. In my defense, I must say that this instalment feels a little like, you know, a, well, how could I put it nicely, um, errr, what's that obscure word that starts with an f and ends with an r? Can't seem to remember now. Early signs of Alzheimer's and all that crap. Sorry, what? *clueless barnacle whispers inaudibly in my lovely little ear* Bloody shrimping filler is the word I was looking for? Are you sure? Seems a bit melodramatically excessive to me, but there's a slight chance you might not be entirely wrong. Maybe. I mean, there's a slim possibility that the first 80% 70% of this book could be not exactly fascinating. Or supercalifragilisticexpialidociously titillating. And perhaps a little not super exciting, too. But that is all highly hypothetical, obviously. And would have to be confirmed by extensive and intensive research at the hands of an intergalactic, multi-species, much-limbed team of challenged scientists.

 

Had this instalment actually been of the filler type (which has yet to be proven, remember?), its last 20% 30% would have more than made up for the supposed lack of stimulating substance. Because the whole Convergence business was slightly awesome (view spoiler)[
  you don't know what the Convergence is? So? Is it my fault you haven't read this book?
 (hide spoiler)] and the Tartarus thing was bloody shrimping fantastic (view spoiler)[
  you don't know what Tartarus is? So? Is it my fault you haven't read this book?
 (hide spoiler)]. Then there's the action and violence and bloodshed and stuff. And the twists and revelations and surprises, oh my! I'm not talking about good surprises here, obviously. Good surprises are for wimps. This deliciously noir world is pretty much all bad stuff all the time. A delightful, never-ending loop of things getting downhill from there. And don't think you can get away from bad stuff just because you've just been killed dead. You can always get excruciatingly deader, you know. 



See? Even good old Bikram agrees. So put a gleeful smile on your face and go pet the fluffy Hellhounds. You're going to have lots of fun getting chopped into tiny little pieces!

So yeah, this Not Filler of an Instalment (NFoaI™) does turn out to be kinda sorta shrimptastic after all. And, to be disgustingly honest, it's not only because of the fiercely scrumptious last 20% 30%, either. I mean, this world. THIS world. My black, withered heart lurves it so much. It keeps getting darker and twistier and complexer (yes, that is a word) and therefore, more delectably delectable. Also, there is the slightly wondrous plot. Which keeps thickening beautifully and stuff. And Kadrey's gloriously sensational bam-take-that-in-your-lovely-face writing. And the crazy-good-hilarious dialogues. And the ever-growing cast of magnificently splendid  wicked weirdoes characters is magnificently splendid: my girlfriend Candy, Allegra, Vidocq and Kasabian (aka the mostest awesomest corpseless head ever) are as fabuloustastic as ever. By the way, I may want to adopt Muninn in the near future. Especially now that I know he is Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler in his spare time (view spoiler)[
  Okay, so his brother Neshamah is sort of a devious bastard, but since he happens to think my boyfriend is a pain in the ass, he can't be entirely bad
 (hide spoiler)]. Also kidnapping adoption-worthy: Mustang Sally (view spoiler)[
  I dare you not to start singing. Oops, too late!
 (hide spoiler)] and Medea Bava. Because slightly duplicitous supernatural chicks are the new black. And let's not forget Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler (aka the ottoman repairman)! Such a cool, good-natured guy! You really couldn't ask for a better travelling companion!



What? Don't believe me? Think the bullshit is strong in this one? I wonder why. The ottoman repairman really is an enchanting chap. I mean, he had lots of fangirls in London, back in the good old days.
 
And then there's my boyfriend. He's so kind and loving and compassionate and noble and stuff.

 "John Wayne wouldn’t shoot a man in the back, but that’s my favorite target."

Sigh. How can you not fall head over pincers for a guy who says that kind of thing? He really is a charmer, my man. He's never disrespectful, either. Or unpleasant. He doesn't know what the word snarky means. Recklessness is a concept completely foreign to him. And he abhors violence. The guy is perfect husband material, if you ask me. Okay, maybe not so at the beginning of this book. I mean, my Stark is feeling a bit down here. Probably because he hasn't slaughtered things for a few weeks. Which, you have to admit, is pretty dispiriting. I'm pretty sure anyone in the same situation would fall into a deep depression. Who/what is to blame for this most revolting turn of events, you ask? Why the 
  haloed bastard
 of course! My boyfriend has a problem, you see. He has to share his glorious little head with one of the supercharged assholes (aka the asshole angels). No wonder he wants to punch his own brain all the time. I would, too, if a divine squatter was trying to have me play freaking hero 24/7. When all I wanted to do was go all homicidal maniac on everyone and everything. 



Because harboring murderous feelings towards humanity is the key to eternal youth and beauty, my dear Battie.

But worry not, for my boyfriend won't let his current predicament deter him! No he won't! He is bloody shrimping Sandman Slim, for shrimp's sake! He is better stronger than this! He is not about to let a haloed bastard bring out the best in him! So he reunites with his ferociously kick-ass self, does the Convergence/Tartarus Thing (CTT™) (view spoiler)[
  still don't know what this is all about, do you? Hahaha. It's so sad
 (hide spoiler)] and gets—very logically—his lethal groove back. Behold Sandman Slim 2.0! Spoiler spoiler spoiler! And spoiler spoiler spoiler! Oh wow, my boyfriend is the new Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler! Which makes me Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler's girlfriend! Talk about an evil upgrade! My life is now complete! I can now get slaughtered in peace die happy and stuff! (view spoiler)[
  

  

  
  

  

  Yeah, that's pretty much me right now. Because even nefariously vindictive beings can feel ferociously blissful sometimes.
 (hide spoiler)]

» And the moral of this Well Well Well Looks Like this Kinda Sorta Filler is More Refreshingly Filling than Ninety Eight Percent of the Crap I Usually Read Extra Super Crappy Non Review (WWWLLtKSFiMRFtNEPofCIURESCNR™) is: you know you've found one of your soulmates when his acting like a boring ass a little disappointingly 80% 70% of the time doesn't dampen your all-encompassing animal lust devotion for his deliciously ruthless, antihero-ish little self. QED and stuff.

· Book 1: Sandman Slim ★★★★★
· Book 2: Kill the Dead ★★★★★
· Book 3.5: Devil in the Dollhouse ★★★★★
· Book 4: Devil Said Bang ★★★★
· Book 5: Kill City Blues ★★★★
· Book 6: The Getaway God ★★★★★
· Book 7: Killing Pretty ★★★★
· Book 8: The Perdition Score ★★★★★
· Book 9: The Kill Society ★★★★★
· Book 10: Hollywood Dead ★★★★★
· Book 11: Ballistic Kiss ★★★★
· Book 12: King Bullet ★★★★★


 
[Pre-review nonsense]

Sigh. Looks like my new boyfriend kinda sorta suffered from a sudden attack of Acute Filler Book Syndrome (AFBS™) here.
 

 
Yes, it is indeed sad and slightly heartbreaking and stuff, BUT! BUT BUT BUT! See my Not That Crappy Rating Up There (NTCRUT™)? It should tell you something! Yes it should! What should it tell you, you ask? Why to get ready to dance, obviously.
 

 
➽ Full My Boyfriend Might Be a Little Under the Hellish Weather but He Still is His Deliciously Delicious Self Ergo I am Still Somewhat in LURVE with Him Crappy Non Review (MBMBaLUtHWbHSiHDDSEIaSSiLwHCNR™) to come.