Ann Charles

A scrappy, hot-blooded woman can only take so much! Violet Parker is on fire … or rather under fire yet again. New evidence has fanned the embers of a cold murder case, and her alibi is smoldering at the corners. While battling a dogged detective determined to pin the murder on her, Violet scrambles to find the real killer. Will she escape “the heat” with singed tail feathers? Or will Violet go down in flames?

Rattling the Heat in Deadwood

Sarah Escorsa

· Pre-review rating: 3.499999 stars.
· Post-review rating: 3.6 stars. Because I do what I want and stuff.

Okay, I'm pretty sure 99% of you Little Barnacles have never heard of this series and therefore do not give a fish about what my most fascinating thoughts on this particular instalment might be. And I must admit that:

 ① A Deadly 3-Star Neither Very Bad Nor Very Good I Don't Know What the Bloody Shrimp to Do with you Book Rating (D3SNVB NVGIDKWtBllodyStDwyBR™) isn't the best incentive to read this crappy non review. ← Since I audaciously changed my rating as I was writing this non-review, this first (and quite captivating) point no longer applies. Life sucks and stuff. 

② Neither is the book cover. I mean, it kind of looks like I designed it myself. And that, in case you were wondering, is a very scary thought indeed. I might be beautifully omnipotent and omniscient and omni-pretty everything but I can't draw for shit fish. So QED and stuff.

③ This is instalment #8 in this series so, really, who the shrimp cares about reading a review for it (apart from the two—let's be bold, let's say three—barnacles who are also following this series)? I mean, most of you know absolutely naught/zilch/nada/rien about the setting/characters/arc/whatever, so why would your waste your inestimably precious time here? Wait. It just now occurred to me that 99% of you (99% of the 99% who have never heard of this series, that is) have no lives and therefore nothing better to do than read my ever-so compelling musings here. Hey! It looks like I might have a watchfully attentive (albeit somewhat reluctant) audience after all!



You see this guy a lot around here, I know. What can I say, he's my Heinously Vicious Mascot (HVM™) and stuff.

Okay, I think we all know how much I positively luuuurve Disgustingly Decaf Stuff (DDS™) ← this is a slightly sarcastic comment, just so you know. I mean, what is more repulsive than non-X rated, non-violent, non-chop chop chop, non-gory, non-cunningly Machiavellian, non-gloriously dark stuff, I ask you? Not many things, that's what. Maybe barnacles? Yeah, probably. No offense and stuff, my Tiny Decapods, but you have to admit you are not the most attractive bunch. But I ever so slightly digress. So. At the risk of shocking you to a painfully excruciating death, I have to say that this little series belongs to the much-dreaded paranormal mystery genre, and is therefore—quite logically, I might add—of the Horribly Light Variety (HLV™). Hold your gasps please, you haven't heard the worst of it yet. Not only that, but there is also some *looks over her shoulder to make sure no one is around* *whispers in the tiniest of voices* Horrendously Appalling Ongoing Romance Crap (HAORC™) in the series.



Told you you should have held your barnacled gasps.

Yes, I am afraid the abominable truth this is: this series is both frightfully light and viciously flowing with lovey dovey BS. And I lurves it anyway. And I wouldn't miss an instalment for the world Mariana's Trench. And, yes, I am aware that my reputation is now thoroughly ruined. And I don't bloody shrimping give a damn fish about it. Ha. Okay, so I don't give a fish but I still feel a teensy little bit self-conscious here. I mean, this seriously cramps my bookshelf style and stuff. In my defense, I have to say that even though Deadwood qualifies as Revoltingly Cozy Paranormal Mystery Material (RCPMM™), it's not as abhorrently PG-13 as you might think. I mean, there is quite a decent amount of delicious cursing, some relatively graphic sex—but not nearly enough of it, much to the desperation of Violet, Our Leading Lady of the Kinky Purple Boots (OLLofKPB™)—, appropriately creepy stuff and even some exquisitely violent, bloody stuff once in a while. Plus, there is a most delightful array of bitches and assholes, which is always a plus. Light this series might be, but Cuddly Fluffy Care Bear Lands Ew Ew Ew (CFCBLEEE™) it definitely ain't not. See, it's not ALL bad, and my case is not as desperately hopeless as you undoubtedly thought at first. Pretty great news, huh? Now would be a good time to be glad and rejoice, I think. 



Nice. Watch out for whiplash, though. Dr Prawn is currently out of town and, in his absence, I might have to behead you to ease the pain and stuff. Something tells me you wouldn't be game for that, strangely enough.

Now. Time for some long-overdue rehashing (for those poor souls who sadly missed the previous episodes crappy non reviews). One of the coolest things about this series is its heroine. Why, you ask? Because she is no krill-brained, 20-something twit. She is ancient well over 30, the single mother of twins and has a real life, a real job and real problems. I kid you not. She also has a talent for saying stuff she shouldn't (preferably at the most inappropriate of times) and lives to serve aggravate. Add to that her innate ability to get herself in the most inextricable messes interesting situations and her paranormal executioner side-job, and you get your little selves a most fetchingly appealing female lead. 

The other coolest thing about this series is its ever-colorful cast of eccentrics, nutcases and irritating asses (dirty old men and Abe Lincoln wannabes for the win!). The other other coolest thing about this series is its Hilariously Hilarious Ha Ha Ha Factor (HHHHHF™) and its consequently Hilariously Hilarious Ha Ha Ha and Most Times Beautifully Absurd Dialogues (HHHHHaMTBAD™). Also, in this particular instalment: 
  genetically diverse littermates
 (of the Super Bitch kind), third-eye chakras (blindfolded, not stirred blocked), 
  Acidic Assholes and Bitter Buttheads
, the exchange of bodily fluids with tall mediums (or lack thereof), Jack Frost's freezing balls, Satan's concubine and the unexpected effects of pumpkin scent on the flow of blood to the penis. And Elvis the pet chicken, forever and always.



» And the moral of this Good Thing I Didn't Have Anything to Say about this Book when I Started Writing this Crappy Non Review Otherwise We might Have Been Here another Decade or Two Crappy Non Review (GTIDHAtSatBwISWtCNROWMHBHaDoTCNR™) is: want to be highly (if *whispers* mindlessly) entertained? Want to laugh your pincers off? Want me to bloody fishing spell out what's left for you to do? 



You're welcome and stuff.

• Book 1: Nearly Departed in Deadwood ★★
• Book 2: Optical Delusions in Deadwood ★★★★
• Book 3: Dead Case in Deadwood ★★★★
• Book 4: Better Off Dead in Deadwood ★★★★
• Book 5: An Ex to Grind in Deadwood ★★★★
• Book 6: Meanwhile Back In Deadwood ★★★★
• Book 7: A Wild Fright in Deadwood ★★★★
• Book 9: Gone Haunting in Deadwood ★★★
• Book 10: Don't Let it Snow in Deadwood ★★



[Pre-review nonsense]

As exciting as the previous instalments this one might not have been. But as hilarious as the previous instalments this one certainly was. Ergo, survive this series shall. Possibly.



I tried looking for a "shrimp of approval" gif but couldn't find one. This is outrageous! And frightfully discriminating! Why would harebrained, lazy as fish, wimpish seals be the only ones authorized to approve of stuff?! This cannot be! This will not do! I shall not let this pass! As in all things, shrimps shall prevail!

➽ Full Slightly Nefarious Beings Enjoy Reading Disgustingly Decaf Stuff Too Sometimes Crappy Non Review (SNBERDDSTSCNR™) to come.

Rattling the Heat in Deadwood

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