Amir Levine

Rachel Heller

Introduces the theory of adult attachment as an advanced relationship science that can enable individuals to find and sustain love, offering insight into the roles of genetics and early family life in how people approach relationships.

The New Science of Adult Attachment and how it Can Help You Find--and Keep--love

Attached

Hel Levine

We now know that the desire to become attached to a partner is a natural human drive. And according to the new science of attachment, every person behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: 1) ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back. 2) AVOIDANT people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimise closeness. 3) SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller help you understand the three attachment styles, identify your own and recognise the styles of others so that you can find compatible partners or improve your existing relationship. Packed with fascinating psychology and case studies from successful - and unsuccessful - couples you can discover how to avoid the Anxious-Avoidant trap, why Secures can partner any type and how to love the Secure way. Attached is your road map to the perfect match and lasting love.

Kyler Phillips

The more attuned you are to your partner’s needs at the early stages—and he or she to yours—the less energy you will need to expend attending to him or her later.

Devaluing your partner when things become too close is very typical of people with an avoidant attachment style and is used as a way to create emotional distance.

Our brain assigns our partner the task of being our secure base, the person we use as an emotional anchor and a safe haven, the one we turn to in time of need. We are programmed to seek their emotional availability.

A secure base is a prerequisite for a child’s ability to explore, develop, and learn.

If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, first find the right person to depend on and travel down it with them.

Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities.

Just over 50 percent are secure, around 20 percent are anxious, 25 percent are avoidant, and the remaining 3 to 5 percent fall into a fourth, less common disorganized category.

2.) Is Homer Simpson goals now? This book says yes x

3.) That heading really cracked me up... Put some respect on the secures names!!

Jemima Youard

A FINAL WORD OF RECOGNITION SECURES OF THIS WORLD 

Before we learned about attachment theory, we took the secures of the world for granted, and even dismissed them as boring. But looking through the attachment prism, weve come to appreciate secure people's talents and abilities. The goofy Homer Simpson like colleague whom we barely noticed was suddenly transformed into a guy with impressive relationship talent who treats his wife admirably...

I’ve learned so much about the science of dating, about myself, and about others. Very well written, easy to grasp, intelligent, and funny book. Thoroughly enjoyed every sentence and encouraged to take control of my dating experiences.  

Robin Collura

Laura Layden

bro most of these are just men learning empathy and i’m never getting a relationship again if that’s truly the standard x cheers <3 
some bits were a bit helpful tho lol

Lots of good science backed research in here about why we approach relationships the way we do and how we can better understand our own attachment styles but more importantly other people's attachment styles.

We don't always fall into neat boxes that this book prescribes, our childhood, life experiences, trauma and what not also affects how we approach relationships which this book doesn't really go into. Whilst I think the sentiment around effective communication is good, it's a lot easier said than done.

Lots of good science backed research in here about why we approach relationships the way we do and how we can better understand our own attachment styles but more importantly other people's attachment styles.

We don't always fall into neat boxes that this book prescribes, our childhood, life experiences, trauma and what not also affects how we approach relationships which this book doesn't really go into. Whilst I think the sentiment around effective communication is good, it's a lot easier said than done.

A good basic overview of avoidant and anxious attachment, with some good quizzes and interactive workbook style questions.  Very oversimplified, and didn't discuss disorganized attachment, and had little nuance to attachment theory in general. Essentially said the solution to all relationship problems is to just find a securely attached person! If only

Bouke van der Bijl

Has a couple decent ideas that are obscured by all the bullshit stories and mental leaps that make no sense. And I'm going to guess that most of the studies the book is based on don't replicate.

I think the book is mostly written for anxious people to tell them they don't need to change and just need to tell the world all their anxieties. The glorification of what they call 'stable' people, calling them basically übermenschen is also weird. Not sure what the point of the book is.

Refunded

A flood of useful information on relationships and types of attachment. Shortly described: life changing! 

Nina Alexandra Bacrau

Abiiii

Docked a star for being very cishet, but this book is honestly changing my life. I really appreciate how it doesn't pathologize different forms of attachment and encourages self acceptance and self awareness as we yearn to be loved in our own unique way. As an anxiously attached person, I'm finding myself taking the advice of better direct communication and an abundance mentality, which is teaching me to be joyfully picky about who I surround myself with. Someone should write a sequel that explicitly addresses queerness, nonmonogamy, platonic relationships, and all the spectra therein, because those are the spaces I'm finding attachment theory to be super helpful.

Is there a science to love? In this groundbreaking book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S. F. Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory can help us find and sustain love.Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment explains that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back. Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.With fascinating psychological insight, quizzes and case studies, Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller help you understand the three attachment styles, identify your own and recognise the styles of others so that you can find compatible partners or improve your existing relationship. An insightful look at the science behind love, Attached offers readers a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections.

Anxious, Avoidant Or Secure: How the Science of Adult Attachment Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love

alina s

Keila Rico 

my therapist don’t miss lol this was so good and necessary for me. helped me genuinely sit and think of my approach to relationships and the reasoning behind my constant distancing. would fully recommend to anyone w commitment issues or those who become overly attached quickly 

Alyssia Young

Although I like the premise. I found it repetitive. And it only focused on romantic relationships instead of friendships. 

Capucine Fachot

Irina 

This book called me dysfunctional in so many ways 😅 but a very interesting book. Lots of things to takeaway.

The New Science of Adult Attachment and how it Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love

Maggie Delano

This book provides valuable insight on romantic relationships, with a lot of examples and exercises. I didn't love the emphasis on monogamous, long-term relationships as the ideal or "end goal" and the frequent disdain for avoidant people, but if you can get over that, there is a lot to learn.

Nicole

jesus christ. read this in a day and literally have a headache from it.
it's so refreshing to hear (read), "don't be ashamed of feeling incomplete when you're not in a relationship, or for wanting to be close to your partner and to depend on him."
although my friends are well-meaning, the way society has set us up is that you can't enter a relationship unless you're already 'whole'. i wondered endlessly what was wrong with me; i loved myself, why did i desire a relationship so badly? was i only lying to myself - was i not enough? surely, i was lesser for wanting a relationship? this, however, is the very first notion the book attempts to dismantle. learning that it is natural to want to be dependent on those close to us - even for those who want extreme lengths - is new. being told what i want are simply my needs, neither good nor bad, is going to help me in the long-run.
that's not to say i have nothing to work on - which, again, this book was enlightening in answering. now knowing i am extremely anxious, i know to second-guess the negative thoughts in my head more, but that my feelings are valid and that the right partner will reassure me. i now know the 'obsessive' things i do - the very things i loathed myself for - are just a cry for attention, and they're not bad, i just need to effectively resolve them via effective communication rather than protest behaviour. i now know i'm not 'obsessive', but that some things i do - that make me miserable - are also just activating strategies, bids to seek closeness with my partner, because i for numerous reasons have a higher need for closeness. but the more i am reassured over time by the right partner, the lesser i'll have these instances. i also now know that i am very sensitive to rejection, and i easily take things the wrong way and need to be soothed often.
i now understand that my ideal partner isn't someone who caters to my every whim, but is someone who wants to be intimate the same way i do. i shouldn't need to feel like my emotional needs are all my own, because they're not, and being dependent is okay even if it's scary to me because it puts me in a position to be rejected. in a true partnership, both parties view it as their responsibility to ensure the other's emotional well-being.
i intend to reread this book and take a highlighter to it. i want to try effective communication, especially when i find myself starting to engage in protest behaviour, and try honouring noninterference. 
i don't exactly know still what to do about the relationship situation i'm in. but i think now i can explain clearer on who i am, try to find out who they are and whether our styles clash and decide from there whether this is something worth pursuing. i think i can also more effectively push for my own needs while respecting theirs. at the end of the day, fights about how intimate we wish to be are probably a sign of incompatibility and that i need to gtfo, but if we're both committed to effective communication then maybe there's still a way.

Roos Havinga

If you come to think of it, these findings described in this book aren’t rocket science, they’re unknown common sense. Be bold in asking what you need and what you desire in a relationship, and these things will find your way to you.

Annie Millman

I went into this with a basic knowledge of attachment styles, was looking forward to learning about them more in depth.. alas, I did not :P
(this book had many words and they did not say much about anything ... I would recommend online articles instead)

Attached The New Science of Adult Attachment and how it Can Help You Find--and Keep--love

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