Henry Cloud

John Townsend

John Sims Townsend

Tells how to set limits and still be a loving person; discusses mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries; and looks at the related teachings of the Scriptures.

When to Say Yes, when to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Boundaries

Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances -- Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions -- Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others -- Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator -- Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask: - Can I set limits and still be a loving person? - What are legitimate boundaries? - What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? - How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? - Aren't boundaries selfish? - Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.

When To Say Yes, How to Say No

poprika

There is "God" or "Bible" in every sentence... not for me, but gonna keep looking for something similar without God being stuffed in my face

Great book and an easy read! If you need help setting boundaries, this book can help you see some of the boundary problems you might have. I've learned a lot, and I want to put much of what I learned into practice. This book is for anyone, as we all lack healthy boundaries in some areas of our life. Some comments think it's too religious, but I have to disagree. It's a book written by Christian authors who added their faith to it. This book could be beneficial to read in a church group. Boundaries are sadly not always taken seriously in that setting. This could help members open up to serve freely and willingly instead of feeling forced and resentful.

I want to share a short phrase from chapter 16: "In addition to the freedom to say no, we find the freedom to say a wholehearted, unconflicted, gratitude-driven yes to others."

Frank Enns

Great book and an easy read! If you need help setting boundaries, this book can help you see some of the boundary problems you might have. I've learned a lot, and I want to put much of what I learned into practice. This book is for anyone, as we all lack healthy boundaries in some areas of our life. Some comments think it's too religious, but I have to disagree. It's a book written by Christian authors who added their faith to it. This book could be beneficial to read in a church group. Boundaries are sadly not always taken seriously in that setting. This could help members open up to serve freely and willingly instead of feeling forced and resentful.

I want to share a short phrase from chapter 16: "In addition to the freedom to say no, we find the freedom to say a wholehearted, unconflicted, gratitude-driven yes to others."

Steph Lodico

As a person raised Catholic but not longer identifying with Christianity, I was skeptical of being able to connect with the content meaningfully without feeling like religion was being forced on me. But I was actually pleasantly surprised by this book. It is completely centered around biblical living, and there’s probably a scripture cited on every page. They were scriptures that I either did already connect with or scriptures that seemed problematic to be that were then given context to be interpreted more positively - amazing how the Bible can be transformed when used for loving rather than oppressing. Though I was raised Christian, I felt like the religious foundation on which this book is based is largely applicable to anyone (with some exceptions of course) and thus very informative. It definitely helped validate a lot of my experiences, change where I am placing responsibility for my boundaries, and give tools to proceed. But as the book notes, growing in boundaries is a very long process and not easy, so I’m almost overwhelmed with all the pointers and directions! 

My one real complaint is that it’s very clearly through a lens of privilege. I spent most of the book thinking “but this completely ignores abuse” before there was like a paragraph saying that obviously some people cannot set boundaries because of abuse and here’s a solution: call 911, restraining order, etc. First, this does not usually work out as planned for many victims. Second, it discounts emotional abuse, the very gradual conditioning that this is normal and you deserve it, and the inability for an other source of authority to intervene appropriately. The other aspect of privilege that shows in this book is that it basically says you can set boundaries with anyone if you can make yourself comfortable with the consequences. Their examples are like “Brian, an adult with a good job and happy family, has always had access to his dad’s money and when he stopped going along with everything his dad said, has to now do without fancy vacations, etc.” There are a lot of people in boundaryless situations that can’t just make it work. All of their examples were pretty much happy well off families, not people who would suffer much more dire consequences for boundary setting. A core tenet is also that boundaries evolve in community and you must rely on a support group - I’m not sure a lot of people realize how lucky they are to have safe people in their lives on whom to lean. So I wish they would have delved into techniques to help support yourself so that you can ultimately be a boundary setter who attracts people who would support you. 

While the main theme of the book is “even if someone is crossing your boundaries, the way it makes you feel and your lack of boundaries is your problem not theirs,” I didn’t feel like it ever quite made the leap to victim blaming. Because honestly, most good people cannot respect you the way you want without limits; it’s just human nature. I only wish it explored situations where it’s not so simple a little bit more.

Brigid prior 

Invaluable information- this book will change the way you act and view the world. However, There were too many anecdotal stories that just took up space. The last fourth of the book should have been cut in half.

Sarah Marchant

This book has helped me more than any therapist ever has.

Skye Sherman

Wooo what a good one! Refreshing and empowering, not to mention enlightening. Highly recommend if you often find yourself doing things you don’t really want to do.

Emma Miller

A wonderful and important book in my life. Has truly put things into perspective.

Boundaries When to Say Yes, when to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Reviews