Charlie Brooker

Would you like to eat whatever you want and still lose weight?Who wouldn't? Keep dreaming, imbecile. In the meantime, if you'd like to read something that alternates between laugh-out-loud-funny and apocalyptically angry, keep holding this book. Steal it if necessary.In his latest collection of rants, raves, hastily spluttered articles and scarcely literate scrawl, Charlie Brooker proves that there is almost nothing in this universe, big or small, that can't reduce a human being to a state of pure blind hatred.It won't help you lose weight, feel smarter, sleep more soundly, or feel happier about yourself. It WILL provide you with literally hours of distraction and merriment. It can also be used to stun an intruder, if you hit him with it correctly (hint: strike hard, using the spine, on the bridge of the nose).

I Can Make You Hate

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In X Factor world, you're only considered 'good' if you ostentatiously bend every note like Mariah Carey folding a theremin in half.

What if, just at the crucial moment they stuck the needle in, I was seized by some awful Tourettes-like urge to suddenly jerk around on the slab, cackling like a madman in a rainstorm, deliberately severing my spinal cord against the cold, hard spike? I'd have to be crazy to do that, obviously.

I figured reading it would make me cleverer - or at the very least, make mne seem a bit cleverer to anyone sitting opposite me on the tube. I never read it. A few nonths ago, having forgotten I already owned a copy, I bought it again. This means I haven't read it twice.

When I buy books, all I'm really doing is buying wall insulation, like a blackbird gathering twigs to make a nest.

Sleep is underrated. According to experts, it is as important to your health as exercise, nutrition and not being set on fire. DO focus on slowing your breathing down as much as possible. A handy tip is to imagine there's a speed camera pointing at your face; a magic speed camera that can photograph air. If you inhale or exhale too quickly, itll fire a sharpened steel bolt into your forehead. Keep thinking about this all night.

DON'T stay in bed if you haven't fallen asleep within thirty minutes. Instead, get up and do something practical, such as driving a car or operating some heavy machinery. DO drink nine litres of warm milk before bed.

why does this have film noir protagonist energy?

I had less screen presence than the Invisible Man and the sex appeal of a fatal headwound.

In its purest form, a newspaper consists of a collection of facts which, in controlled circumstances, can actively improve knowledge. Unfortunately, facts are expensive, so to save costs and drive up sales, unscrupulous dealers often 'cut' the basic contents with cheaper material, such as wild opinion, bullshit, empty hysteria, reheated prees releases, advertorial padding and photographs of Lady Gaga.

I was opposed to all kinds of nuclear war - even little ones between neighbouring Welsh counties were simply not on, in my book.

We couldn't even hate the Tories for looking smug on the steps of Downing Street - partly because Downing Street doesn't have steps.

I Can Make You Hate quotes

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