Name: Charming
ISBN: 9780316253390

Elliott James

Sharp, sarcastic, and efficiently lethal, John Charming would feel right at home having drinks with Dean Winchester and Harry Dresden. If you're looking for a new urban fantasy series to pick up, CHARMING is a guaranteed page-turner. John Charming isn't your average Prince... He comes from a line of Charmings -- an illustrious family of dragon slayers, witch-finders and killers dating back to before the fall of Rome. Trained by a modern day version of the Knights Templar, monster hunters who have updated their methods from chain mail and crossbows to Kevlar and shotguns, John Charming was one of the best--until a curse made him one of the abominations the Knights were sworn to hunt. That was a lifetime ago. Now, John tends bar under an assumed name in rural Virginia and leads a peaceful, quiet life. That is, until a vampire and a blonde walked into his bar... CHARMING is the first novel in a new urban fantasy series which gives a new twist to the Prince Charming tale. Catch the next in the series with DARING and FEARLESS. Short Fiction in the Pax Arcana world: Charmed I'm SureDon't Go Chasing WaterfallsPushing LuckSurreal EstateDog-Gone

Charming

Kirsten Simkiss

This book was an utter disappointment. This book is bad enough that I don’t feel like adding a spoiler tag, so read this review at your own peril if you’re planning on reading this book still. I feel like it deserves 1.5 stars instead of 2, but I’ll give it the extra star because Molly being a lesbian wasn’t something that people went overboard about and she was survived the story.

When you make a character, there are rules that are generally advisable to follow when writing. 

Rule #1: don’t make their only weakness their feelings or their connection to other people. Unfortunately, John Charming – which I feel like is a really poorly chosen name to be honest with you, it really just doesn’t flow off the tongue like you want your main character’s name should – is exactly that. They do a lot of teaching of the world, which is fine. When you start a fantasy story, it’s normal to explain how things work, especially if the way things work don’t really run parallel to normal rules. John is quickly forced to explain that he was born as the child of a werewolf-bitten mother, who died during the next full moon, and as a result of her being bitten, he has all the benefits of being a werewolf with limited and almost pointless weaknesses. He has super-human speed, super-human hearing, super-human sense of smell, can’t be killed as easily do to increased regeneration abilities. But oh, if he has silver pressed to his skin for too long - meaning for longer than six hours – he’ll get a rash. Boo hiss. Oh, and he also doesn’t age. He got to his twenties and stopped aging. This character has no real weaknesses.

Rule #2: When you make characters witty, be careful how witty you make them. Both the main characters, John and Sig, are constantly throwing witty and violent banter back and forth. Frankly, it’s boring and not very well written. But when you add the competition in, it just turns into a giant pissing contest for the affections of an immortal girl who’s in a shitty relationship. Which brings me to the next rule.

Rule #3: DO. NOT. MAKE. YOUR. MALE. CHARACTERS. POSSESSIVE. FUCKWADS. Seriously, it’s not cute. It’s not adorable to have your main male character pointedly lust after your female character when she repeatedly tells you she’s not interested in you.

Okay, chucking the rules now. But seriously, I feel like people should really know better when they write characters. These relationships were seriously problematic. Even the portrayals of the characters were pretty stereotypical. With the exception of Molly. Molly was awesome. Seriously, she is the only reason I didn’t put this book down as one star.

Sig, the ageless Valkyrie, is super ultra hot, very blonde, is kickass with almost no weaknesses – seriously, at one point the villain shoots her in the back of her head just to give her a concussion and she walks away without any pain later down the road. Oh, did I mention she has great tits that are constantly mentioned? And that the main male character CONVENIENTLY seems to not realize he’s accidentally courting her. Yeah. Not cute. John, of course, is handsome, witty, smart, impossible to kill, and equipped with a tragic white boy past. The only black man in the story is a stereotype of black stoners. The Russians are stereotypes of Russian mobsters. Seriously, this is not the book for you if you want interesting characters abound in an urban fantasy world. (I recommend Kate Daniels for that one.)

There are two villains. Neither plot is interesting or well written.

And it may just be that my dad got on us about it as a kid, but when you say, “John and me,” it should be “John and I.” Seriously, someone should have caught that. That’s just bad grammar.

Don’t waste your time on this book.

Sarah Escorsa

● Yet another stellar group read courtesy of the MacHalos. We really rock this DNFing Buddy Reading thing ●



☠ DNF at 33%. Because I've never been a soap opera fan.

Don't worry, my Little Barnacles, for this one is not going to take long. I'm exhausted, pissed off, tired of ready crappy books, and have wasted enough time with this one as it is.

So.

Call me young and naïve, but when I pick an Urban Fantasy book up, I expect to read mostly about Urban Fantasy (weird, I know). NO, I do NOT want to read about Insta Freaking Love (IFL™). NO, I do NOT want to read about Freaking Relationship Drama Worthy of Days of Our Lives (FRDWoDoOL™). NO, I do NOT want to read about a Freaking Love Triangle of Doom and Destruction (FLToDaD™). Especially NOT when all this Freaking Stuff (FS™) happens between two Freaking Idiots (FI™) fascinating characters who have only known each other for 24 FREAKING HOURS.



Our dear author could have stopped at this Beautifully Condensed Crappiness (BCC™), but all this FS™ obviously wasn't enough, so Elliott James very graciously decided to bless us with these Delightfully Delectable Add-Ons (DDAO™), too: 

☠ The fabulously captivating male MC is a Freaking Blabbering Bore (FBB™) who tries too hard to be funny and has the lamest sense of humour ever. Yay.
☠ The female MC is super hot, super blonde, super ass-kicking perfection. A good thing I'm a huge Freaking Mary Sue (FMS™) fan. Woohoo.
☠ This amazing story features a delicious collection of unpleasant characters with attitude problems. They all know better than everyone else, too. Such an awesomely appealing bunch. It's positively enchanting. Yasss.
☠ A boring plot about boring vampires. Boring fights included. Squeeeeeee.

♥ Yeah, this book is seriously awesome ♥



Then again, I only have my little self to blame here, and should have known this was going to happen. I mean, have you seen that Freaking Cover (FC™)? It looks like nightmarish stuff from the 90s! *shudders* And that ridiculous-title-that-is-also-the-MC's-pathetic-name! *eyeroll* Add that to the fact Elliott James deviously misled me into thinking she was a male UF author, which she isn't, because, you know, she is sort of a SHE…and you get a glorious case of I'm a Total Nitwit I Should Have Seen this Coming from a Few Million Miles Away Self Flagellation shall therefore Be Me (IaTNISHStCfaFMMASFstBM™).



➽ And the moral of this enthralling non-review is: John Charming, you ain't no 
  Danny Faust
. John Charming, you ain't no 
  Happy Dresden
. John Charming, you ain't even no 
  Iron Druid
. John Charming, you sure ain't no worthy of my High Security Harem. Stay away from it. Unless you want me to unleash the crustaceans on you, that is. I'm pretty sure I'd slightly enjoy the delicious blood-shedding that would ensue, but I'm not sure you would.

PS: before writing this captivating non-review, I thought I'd read the book wrong (which rarely ever happens, as you very well know), since 99.999999% of my dear friends seem to love it. But I then came to my senses and remembered that all my dear friends have despicable book taste. So now all is well in the world again {insert Happy Sigh of Relief (HSoR™) here}

Nickie Mohler

John Charming comes from a long line of monster killing knights. He upheld the Pax Arcana as every knight is sworn to do. That is, until they found out that he was half werewolf. That not only makes him unfit to be a knight, but also puts him among those the knights are supposed to kill. I really enjoyed this book. I loved the characters, the supernaturals, and the humor.

Jessica Nottingham

Ah, Charming. You know, I was looking for something fun and light when I picked this up. Color me surprised at how much magical lore, relationships, and actual emotions are packed into this book. It's still a seriously fun read. Is it perfect? No. However I can say that the entire time I was listening to this on audio, there was something that kept me going. Either some snarky banter, an interesting female lead, or John Charming without his shirt... erm... I mean emotional depth. Yup. Emotional depth.
 
I think Urban Fantasy is my new go-to for books that are easy to get lost in. While there's definitely a fair bit of explanation into certain mythical creatures, their habits, and their communities, it doesn't feel heavy handed here in Charming. It blends in nicely with everything else going on. Actually, it kind of balances out the action scenes. Add in a bit of awkward but adorable relationship building between John and our female lead, and you have a book that held my attention.

Charming

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