Redeeming 6 Boys of Tommen #4

"Joe's against it, but I want his middle name to be Joseph," she told them. "And his last name will be Lynch." Shivering, she added, "We're not married, so it's important to me that everyone knows our son has a father who claimed him." I swallowed down my protests, refusing point blank to argue with the girl that had been through eight hours of hell to give me a son. Instead, I nodded in support when she looked to me for reassurance. "And his first name?" Trish pushed. "Anthony," Molloy said. "His name is Anthony Joseph Lynch." Smiling, she added, "AJ for short."

"Of course, if you would prefer to stay in the main house, that is absolutely fine by me, Joey love. I'm not trying to push you out in any shape or form. I'm just trying to be sensitive to your little family's needs." This woman. Not only had she taken on my brothers and sister, but she was providing shelter for my little family. My little family. Fuck.

AFTER SPENDING FOREVER THINKING it would never would happen, it finally did. The day I had been both living for and dreading since my mind came back to me had arrived. August 29th 2005. D day. The first day of the rest of my life, or so I had been told. Fuck.

I FAILED." My heart sank. What do you mean you failed?" I meanI failed the leaving cert in spectacular fashion." "Molloy."

"Tommen?" Darren's eyes widened. "They won't have him, John. Especially not after the spectacle back in May. Do you think I haven't tried? He was removed from the school by the Gards for physically asaulting pupils from Tommen." "It's already done," John replied calmly, this time turning to me. "You have a place at Tommen College to complete your studies, Joey. It's yours for the taking." Shrugging, he added, “If you'll take it." KTommen," I stared blankly at him. You want me to go to Tommen?" "I want you to consider it."

What hurts the most isn't the fact that you left," I admitted, wiping a tear from my cheek. “I know you had to go. You were dying in that house. I get it. I understand that. What hurts the most is the fact that I stayed, and she still loved you more! And I'm jealous of that. I'm jealous and I'm resentful and I'm so fucking hurt that nothing I ever did was enough for her!

"Just come home," I whispered, feeling a shiver roll through me. "Get better and come home to I am." Wow." "Wow, what?" "You said I am." I clenched my eyes shut as a wave of hopeful warmth washed over my heart. "Not I will." Sniffling, I added, "You don't know how long I've waited to hear you say the words I am."

It was only the mention of an extended stay in treatment that had my ears pricking up and my attention riveted to the conversation. "What the fuck?" "Joey, calm down please, it's just a suggestion," the doctor began to say, but I was already on my feet. "No." I shook my head and paced the room. “No, no, no. I'm out of here in three weeks. I've done my time." "Joe, if the medical team feel that youll benefit from an extra couple of months, then I think you need to listen to them," Darren tried to interject, but I wasn't having it. They didn't suggest it, asshole," I shot back. You did." "Because I think you need it," he argued. "I think it might be good for you."

"There was a huge drug bust in Ballylaggin last night," he blew my mind by saying. "According to my father, they've had eyes on the Holland brothers for a long time now." My eyes widened. "Are you serious?" Paul nodded. "He's being remanded in Portlaoise until sentencing," «Shane is?" "And more with him," he confirmed. “According to my father, Shane's already up for sexual assault, GBH, and several other unanswered charges. Dad reckons the judge will throw the book at him. He'll be lucky if he doesn't celebrate his thirtieth in prison."

Yeah, it is," he agreed with a nod. “But that doesn't change the fact that I feel horrible about how it ended. Especially about revealing your pregnancy. And afterwards," he continued. "When it all came out about what Lynchy was going through at home." He shook his head. “And then the fire?" He exhaled heavily. "I never felt shittier."

"If your sister came to you with the same scenario, some random boy from her class at school had taken her virginity in the same way yours was taken, how would you react?" I stiffened. "Don't." "How would you feel about that, Joey?" Murderous." "Because?" "Because it wouldn't be right, dammit!" But it's okay that it happened to you because you're a male?" I opened my mnouth to answer her, but nothing came out.

"You were inside her." The doctor frowned. "Would it be more fitting to say that she was on you?" I shrugged in response. It was just.. a very confusing fucking night." "Because you didn't consent." "I was hard." "Having an erection is a perfectly human reaction to stimulation." “Pretty sure I came, too." "Again, ejaculation is the body's response to stimulation." "Yeah, well." I threw my hands up and laughed. "I went back and willingly fucked her a least a dozen more times over the years, so it mustn't have been that bad"

The one shipping himself out of his family. Shipping himself out of Ballylaggin. Out of my life. He had checked himself into a rehabilitation center up the country. The Kavanaghs, once realizing how severe his addiction was, had offered to finance it, and in a rare moment of clarity, Joey had signed the papers. When his mother's funeral service ended, he was leaving. For the whole summer. Maybe forever.

"I don't care. Joe? It's me, Dar. Can you hear me? I need you to sign these forms for me, okay? I can't do it for you, buddy. You're over eighteen. You'll have to sign yourself in." Whoever was sitting to my left reached over and wrapped their arm around my shoulder, and that's when knew I was broken. BecauseI didn't flinch. Because it didn't hurt. Because I didn't care. "Give mne a pen," I managed to say, using every ounce of strength I had left inside of me to lift my head off the table. "Tl sign." Thank Jesus."

WHENI REACHED the end of my road and my eyes landed on the orange flames swelling from my house the heavy weight of disgust and self- loathing that had been pressing heavily on my shoulders was quickly replaced with sheer fucking terror The fire engines. The ambulances. The squad cars. The sirens. It was for my house. My family.

"It won't fix anything," she strangled out, burying her face in the back of my hoodie. "You think it's the answer to all your problems, and maybe it is, to yours." She sucked ina sharp breath. "But what about the people you leave behind? You think they'll be able to accept it?" I could feel her shaking her head. "They'll never accept it, Joey. It will haunt them forever. It haunts me forever." "I'm not your sister." "You know this is the same bridge, right?" she sobbed, holding onto my body for dear life. "The same fucking spot, Joey!"

Tm sorry!" Hating myself for knowing what my decision would do to her, but knowing that I had no other way out, I zipped up my bag and flung it over my shoulder. "I've tried, but I can't do this." "Joey, please," she sobbed, clinging to me just the same as always. “What about me?" What about her? What about Tadhg? What about Ollie? What about Sean? What about Darren? "What about me?" I broke down and cried. What about me, Shannon? What about me!"

"I'm not living like this anymore." I'd had it. I couldn't take another fucking second. There and then the decision was made. "T'm done!" Moving for the stairs, I thundered up to my room, and started piling random items of clothing into my gear bag. Why? I had no fucking clue. It wasn't like I was going to need them. Not where I was going.

"I need you to do something for me," he said, somehow angling our bodies so that I was the one cornered in the alleyway entrance, with him blocking my escape. "I need you to talk to your mother for me. She listens to you. She'll take me back if you tell her to."

I didn't know these people, and I wasn't even sure if I trusted them, but right then, in the state we were in, they could offer the kids a hell of a lot more than Mam could. "They deserve a better life than the one they've been dealt." Swallowing deeply, I forced myself to say, They deserve to have parents, " From what I can tell, they've always had one," John said, giving me a meaningful look. "You've been one hell of a father, Joey Lynch." "Except that I'm not," I croaked out. "Im not their father, and I'm fucking tired of having to be."

"We want to keep you!" his wife blurted out, causing John to drop his head in his hands and groan. “AII five of you," she continued, hurrying over to the island and catching ahold of my hand. “Especially you." She smiled down at me. "I think I want you the most."

Joey Lynch." John Kavanagh looked up from the table he was sitting at and smiled. "We meet again." The fuck? "What are you doing here?" I asked, sinking down on the chair opposite him. "You're not my solicitor.“ "I am today," he mused, combing through a stack of paperwork that I assumed contained my file. Shit, knowing my luck, the whole damn stack was dedicated to me. “If you'l have me."

Maybe this is a good thing, I thought to myself, as I was led out back to an awaiting prison van. Maybe the judge will decide to remand me, and T'I be transferred to Cork prison. At least then, Molloy and the baby will be safe from me.

Because I wanted to talk to her. Wanted to find the words she needed from me, but they didn't exist in my brain anymore. I felt very little these days, but every single I emotion I did feel was evoked from, directed at, and aimed towards her. I loved her and n0 number of drugs could change that. Neither could the depression that was eating me from the inside out. Because it had to be depression, right? Wanting to die wasn't something an eighteen-year-old fantasized about.