Chris Wooding

RETRIBUTION FALLS was fun, fast-paced, action-packed, brilliant stuff - and THE BLACK LUNG CAPTAIN is even better.

The Black Lung Captain

Darian Frey is down on his luck. He can barely keep his squabbling crew fed and his rickety aircraft in the sky. Even the simplest robberies seem to go wrong. It's getting so a man can't make a dishonest living any more. Enter Captain Grist. He's heard about a crashed aircraft laden with the treasures of a lost civilisation, and he needs Frey's help to get it. There's only one problem. The craft is lying in the trackless heart of a remote island, populated by giant beasts and subhuman monsters. Dangerous, yes. Suicidal, perhaps. Still, Frey's never let common sense get in the way of a fortune before. But there's something other than treasure on board that aircraft. Something that a lot of important people would kill for. And it's going to take all of Frey's considerable skill at lying, cheating and stealing if he wants to get his hands on it ... Strap yourself in for another tale of adventure and debauchery, pilots and pirates, golems and daemons, double-crosses and double-double-crosses. The crew of the Ketty Jay are back!

Tales of the Ketty Jay

Sarah Escorsa

Actual rating: 3.99999999 stars.  Get it? Good.

Introducing….Captain Darian Frey 2.0! Now with more humour! More kick-ass action! More adventure and fun and stuff! More blood and gore! More awesome villains! More cool aerial (or not) fights! More pretty much everything!



{insert sigh of relief here}

That was a close one. I mean, I almost didn't read this instalment. Book #1 was alright, but not the oh-wow-this-is-so-entertaining-and-boom-Captain-Frey-you're-mine-let-me-kidnap-you-and-lock-you-up-in-my-harem-for-later-use swashbuckling adventure I was expecting. Because, seriously, this guy is supposed to be a rogue? Please. He is the most unroguish rogue I have ever met in the entirety of my entire life. Oh he tries, I'll give you that. That's the problem, actually. He tries too hard and it's pretty lame. BUT. That was Captain Frey 1.0. His new, much improved self is still lacking in the roguish rogue department, but at least he's not as bland and dull and meh as he was in the first book, so there's hope for him yet. 

 

Maybe. I mean, the guy still has tons of stuff to learn when it comes to being an aggravating, selfish rascal. But I have to admit Not Roguish Enough Darian (NRED™) has lots of potential, and I think all he needs is someone to show him how to fully develop it. He'd do well to hang around with my Main Squeeze (and undisputed king of my high security harem), Caleb Shepperd. I mean, there are rogues and there is MY Caleb. He'd teach Young Grasshopper Darian all there is to know about being a selfish bastard. Because, seriously, Darian? What a soft-hearted wimp you can be! I'm sorry but you just can't go around pretending you're a badass, hard-as-nails captain, and then spend your time whine-whine-whining about getting your poor little heart broken years ago. Just let the bitch go and unleash the unapologetic scoundrel in you once and for all! Tick tock, tick tock, time's a-wastin' and all that crap!



Hmmm, that last paragraph is a lot longer than I anticipated…Oh well, I'm pretty sure you have nothing better to do with your silly lives than read my fascinating reviews, so there's no reason for me to worry about wasting your time, right? Right. Just as I thought. 

So let's see now, what else is there to talk about in the New & Improved Department here? 

There's more action, blah blah blah, more adventure, blah blah blah, more fun, blah blah blah, more mostest awesomest villains…what? What seems to be the problem here, my Little Barnacles? I already said all that? Of course I did. You can be so clueless and thick sometimes, I consider it my duty to rehash a bit, and make sure you grasp the full meaning of the captivating thoughts I am trying to convey. No no, really, you're welcome, my pleasure and stuff. No need to thank me or anything. Just send a $1,000,000 donation to Nefarious S., c/o Fleet Admiral DaShrimp, Bank Of Crustaceans, Undersea Post Box #1, The Deep Blue Sea. That should do nicely.

Now. Where were we? Oh yes, the More Everything Stuff (MES™). 

 

Note to self: the Little Barnacles might be thick and clueless, but I think they got the More Thing (MT™) by now. And if some of them didn't, they're really and truly hopeless, and you shouldn't be wasting your time on them.

So. There's a lot more blood and gore in this instalment than in the previous one, and that's pretty delicious. I mean, who doesn't love a little story in their bloodshed a little bloodshed in their story?! Frey and his crew are on a delightful dismemberment roll here, and I'm pretty sure they'd make Lady super-duper proud. A little beheading goes a long way and all that. It's positively charming. 

I'll spare you the ritual "Off with their heads" gif here. You're welcome.

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Yes, I know, I'm full of crap. I love you too, by the way.

I have to say that the greatest improvement between this instalment and the last has to be the cast of characters. What a bland, flat, one-dimensional, cardboard-like bunch they were in Retribution Falls! I swear, a piece of cheese has more personality than all of this gang put together! Except from the cat, that is. And the golem. These two couldn't talk, but at least they were fun to read about. BUT. That was Frey Crew 1.0. Frey Crew 2.0 is much better fleshed out! 



I assure you, my dear count, tis nothing but the truth! The New & Improved characters actually have more personality than barnacles (oops! Sorry dears, didn't mean to insult you or imply that you had no personality whatsoever)! They are actually interesting! And engaging! And fun to read about! Okay, let's not get over excited here. They are mostly fun to read about. Because frankly, there was serious skimming involved when it came to some characters' POVs. Not that their chapters were boring or anything. Nah. They were just kind of lackluster. BIG difference. But anyway. You know what was pretty cool about this instalment? Even the rum-drinking, viciously cunning cat got his POV! Which was pretty hilarious at first. Then it got kind of old. Kinda. Sorta. Meh Meh Meh. Skim skim skim. Repetition killed the funny cat. But hey, it was kinda fun while it sorta didn't last. But anyway and stuff. Despite this instalment not being complete and total characterization heaven, Wooding does seem to be on the path to enlightenment. I mean, even the villains are pretty cool (as I may or may not have mentioned before), which is a sure sign that Mr W. is no longer suffering from that deadly disease known as Acute Character Flatitis (ACF™). 



Almost, Little Barnacles, almost. Believe me, I'm as tired of my BS as you are, so this shouldn't take too long.

What other fascinating thought do I want to share about this book? Things can get bloody hilarious. Oh yes. The dialogues can get pretty funny. Oh yes. Some scenes are downright comical. Oh yes. And I have run out of humorous synonyms so that will be all. You're welcome.

Oh dear. I think the deepest apologies are in order. I mean, I had little to say about this book, but I did take my time doing so, didn't I? Oh well. Girls will be girls, boys will be boys, crustaceans will be crustaceans and ever-blabbering Sarahs will be ever-blabbering Sarahs. Some things will never change and all that crap. 

» And the moral of this grippingly riveting review is: for all my grumpy BS, I did sorta-kinda enjoy this book. I mean, I did sorta-kinda rated it 3.99999999 stars. Which should sorta-kinda tell you something. That something being that this was a pretty fun, adventurous, almost-a-thrill-a-minute ride. Which is sorta-kinda good.

· Book 1: Retribution Falls ★★★
· Book 3: The Iron Jackal ★★★
· Book 4: The Ace of Skulls ★★

The Black Lung Captain

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