Claire Vaye Watkins

From "the most captivating voice to come out of the West since Annie Proulx" (Vogue), the furious, hilarious, soul-rending story of one woman's reckoning with marriage, work, sex, and motherhood. Since my baby was born, I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things. a) As much as I ever did. b) Not quite as much now. c) Not so much now. d) Not at all. Leaving behind her husband, Theo, and their young daughter, Claire, a writer, gets on a flight for a speaking engagement in Reno, not carrying much besides a breast pump--and a creeping case of postpartum depression. But what begins as a temporary escape from domestic duties and an opportunity to reconnect with old friends soon mutates into an extended flight from the confines of marriage and motherhood, and a seemingly bottomless descent into the depths of the past. Deep in the Mojave desert where she grew up, Claire meets her ghosts at every turn: the first love whose death still haunts her; her father, a member of the most famous cult in American history; her mother, whose native spark dims with every passing year until all that remains is a smoldering addiction. Claire can't go back in time to make any of it right, but what exactly is her way forward? Alone in the wilderness, she finally finds a way to make herself at home in the world. Bold, tender, and often darkly hilarious, I Love You but I've Chosen Darkness reaffirms the "brutal kind of beauty" (Los Angeles Times) and "mercilessly sharp" vision (NPR) that established Watkins as one of the signal writers of our time.

I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness

sophia n

god i have such mixed feelings on this book. there's so much i really loved here, and a lot that frustrated me. i think overall it was just a bit too disjointed for me as a holistic story to feel like i was actually swept away. i felt a number of times like i was getting whiplash from the narrative and i wish that had worked for me but it just really didn't. it felt a bit like an essay collection, but with no cohesion, and i guess i expected or wanted that, so i felt disappointed.

that being said, watkins' writing is super powerful and interesting. there's a number of passages and scenes in the book that really stuck with me and probably will for a while. i think this was a really interesting concept for a book but it just missed me a little in execution.

Dee B. 

A darkly funny, soul-rending novel of love in an epoch of collapse-one woman's furious revisiting of family, marriage, work, sex, and motherhood. Since my baby was born, I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things. a) As much as I ever did. b) Not quite as much now. c) Not so much now. d) Not at all. Leaving behind her husband and their baby daughter, a writer gets on a flight for a speaking engagement in Reno, not carrying much besides a breast pump and a spiraling case of postpartum depression. Her temporary escape from domestic duties and an opportunity to reconnect with old friends mutates into an extended romp away from the confines of marriage and motherhood, and a seemingly bottomless descent into the past. Deep in the Mojave Desert where she grew up, she meets her ghosts at every turn: the first love whose self-destruction still haunts her; her father, a member of the most famous cult in American history; her mother, whose native spark gutters with every passing year. She can't go back in time to make any of it right, but what exactly is her way forward? Alone in the wilderness, at last she begins to make herself at home in the world. Bold, tender, and often hilarious, I Love You but I've Chosen Darkness reaffirms Watkins as one of the single writers of our time.

Fraser Simons

A story about a woman stuck repeating destructive patterns she witnesses growing up. Never really understanding the concepts she claims to yearn for most, and so always believing the wrong things will nourish her. It’s pretty brutal. But honest and dark. 

I saw this billed as kind of darkly funny too, to balance things out, but that aspect never worked for me, and I actually became a little bit bored as soon as I understood what her flaw was and the spiral occurring. All that is rest is to watch. Loved the prose and the concept. Just lacked investment.

Mark Wadley

I’m having a hard time sorting out how I feel about this book. I liked reading it a lot — the desert setting, the dark humor and touches of weirdness, the overlapping family history. It’s a good book. But do I like it?

This is a fictionalized version of Watkins’ decision to break out of her bougie tenured writer’s life and return to the Nevada desert where she was born. It’s autofictional–the narrator is Watkins herself, the family history her own. But it’s not a memoir. This is warts-and-all storytelling, an unflattering self-portrait I’m sure has already been called “brave” (there’s even a meta joke about it). And while I appreciate the honesty, it’s tough to root for a successful novelist who abandons her family to fuck around in the desert.

Maybe that’s the point? To use a wrestling metaphor, this is a kayfabe story and Watkins herself is playing the heel. The thing she wants isn’t the morally correct thing — she has “chosen darkness,” and on some level we all have to respect that, even if it sucks. I don’t think Watkins should have written herself to be more likeable — it’s important for female characters (and writers) to be able to be unrepentant dirtbags, too. And her shittiness does not go unexamined here, even if it’s ultimately embraced on some level. If it makes me uncomfortable, it’s probably because I see my own shittiness in Claire, too — the parts of myself I have the hardest time accepting. Sometimes you have to be the heel in your story, and there’s power in that.

Michelle Miller

“There’s some kind of genius sorcery in this novel. It’s startlingly original, hilarious and harrowing by turns, finally transcendent. Watkins writes like an avenging angel. It's thrilling and terrifying to stand in her wake.” —Jenny Offill, author of Dept. of Speculation and Weather A darkly funny, soul-rending novel of love in an epoch of collapse—one woman’s furious revisiting of family, marriage, work, sex, and motherhood. Since my baby was born, I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things. a) As much as I ever did. b) Not quite as much now. c) Not so much now. d) Not at all. Leaving behind her husband and their baby daughter, a writer gets on a flight for a speaking engagement in Reno, not carrying much besides a breast pump and a spiraling case of postpartum depression. Her temporary escape from domestic duties and an opportunity to reconnect with old friends mutates into an extended romp away from the confines of marriage and motherhood, and a seemingly bottomless descent into the past. Deep in the Mojave Desert where she grew up, she meets her ghosts at every turn: the first love whose self-destruction still haunts her; her father, a member of the most famous cult in American history; her mother, whose native spark gutters with every passing year. She can’t go back in time to make any of it right, but what exactly is her way forward? Alone in the wilderness, at last she begins to make herself at home in the world. Bold, tender, and often hilarious, I Love You but I’ve Chosen Darkness reaffirms Watkins as one of the signal writers of our time.

I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness

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