Day Leclaire

Who's Holding The Baby by Day Leclaire released on Sep 23, 1994 is available now for purchase.

Who's Holding the Baby?

Sarah Escorsa

May 2015 buddy read with Tadiana. Read her review here. No, we know we are not totally sane. Nothing new here.
 
Warning: this book is a lethal combination of utter boredom and total stupidity.

I've read a lot of very very VERY bad books this year. There was this. And this. And this. And obviously this. But this one right here? It tops them all. And it's not even because of the absolutely cheesiness oozing from every page. Nope. It's because of the sheer stupidity of it all. I deserve a medal for reading this to the very last page. And the author definitely deserves a lifetime achievement award. 





I don't usually do story recaps in my reviews but here the story is everything. Everything stupid that is. To be honest, I have to say that the plot is kind of complex in its absolute absurdity. Kudos to Day Leclaire for coming up with such a far-fetched, ludicrous premise. Please bear with me here, the story is such a mess I'm not even sure I'll be able to make you understand what it's about. Oh, and this should take a while. So grab a drink and a snack. And some aspirin. Please don't forget the aspirin. Ready? Here we go.

① Meet Grace
Grace is gorgeous. A gorgeous blonde of course. Because only blondes are gorgeous. Grace is hiding her utter gorgeousness. She wears glasses (ooooh, UGLY!), she dies her hair brown (ooooh, HIDEOUS!) and she wears baggy clothes in earth shades (ooooh, SCARY!). Why is Grace hiding her utter gorgeouness you ask? Why is she pretending to be engaged when she doesn't even have a boyfriend? Isn't the suspense killing you right now?

② Meet Dom Salvatore
Dom owns a family business. Dom wants to retire. Dom has to go away for a year. And Dom wants to leave the company in the hands of his eldest son, Luc. Problem: the guy is a total Casanova (he is, after all, Italian. And it is a well-known fact that all Italian males are total Casanovas) and can't be relied upon. All his secretaries fall for him and never get any work done. Silly women! So Dom's brilliant idea is (this is where a light bulb goes off in Dom's little head): "I'll hire a gorgeous girl who will disguise herself as an ugly girl and tada! Luc won't be distracted while I'm away. Such a simple solution to the problem at hand! Why didn't I think of that before?!" ← this makes no sense to you? It shouldn't. Anyone else would have hired a male secretary. But no, not Dom. He's clever like that.



③ Dom hires Grace
The deal is: if dear Gorgeous-Turned-Ugly Grace manages to not fall for Luc for a year, Dom-The-Ever-Generous-Philanthropist will finance the toy store she wants to open (it was her mom's dream but her mom died blah blah blah sob sob sob) ← Now that's a perfectly realistic agreement right there. This kind of thing happens every day.

►► We pretty much learn all this in the prologue. And then boom! Chapter 1: fast forward 11 months! My my my, how time passes by! Isn't Day Leclaire clever? So for 11 months, nothing (apparently) happens. Luc and Grace are definitely not attracted to each other. They have a very strict business relationship. So strict platonic doesn't even begin to cover it. Well. Almost. Grace is kind of falling for Luc ← Ooops. Not good. Falling for him=no dream business, remember that Grace? I'm afraid this is not going to go well. Isn't the suspense killing you again?



④ Luc flirts with Grace shamelessly
Because, you know, he's Italian. And that's what Italians do. And it makes it perfectly alright for him to come on to Grace. And touch her. And tell her sweet things in Italian (in case you didn't know, everything said in Italian sounds sweet) ← Is this sexual harassment? Absolutely not. It's called flirting shamelessly, you silly.

►► Still with me at this point? Good. It probably won't last.

⑤ Hysterical College Foreign Exchange Student incoming
Just another day at the office. In barges said Hysterical College Foreign Exchange Student, holding a baby in her arms (so far we know who's holding the baby, it gets pretty confusing after this scene). It turns out the baby is Luc's brother's. But he doesn't know it. His brother I mean. His brother doesn't know he has a son. Well Luc doesn't either actually. I mean Luc doesn't know his brother has a son he doesn't know about ← How's the headache going? Not too good? Sorry about that. And just you wait, it's about to get worse. 



⑥ Hysterical College Foreign Exchange Student outgoing
So. Dear Catarina (that's the Hysterical College Foreign Exchange Student's name by the way) here disappears as quickly as she appeared. Because back in good old Italy her mommy is pretty much on her deathbed. She needs to go see her! Now! So what does she do? She leaves the baby in Newfound Daddy's arms (hey! Look who's holding the baby now!) and goes poof! ← Do you seriously think she'd take him to Italy with her? To see his granny? Are you joking? She doesn't want to give dear mommy a heart attack. We're talking about real, die-hard Italians here. No kids out of wedlock. No marriage = immediate doom and destruction.

⑦ Newfound Daddy outgoing as well
Because he obviously has to go after his Hysterical College Foreign Exchange Student. So who's holding the baby now? Last time I checked it was Luc. No, wait. I think Grace has him now ← Told you this would be confusing.

⑧ Chaos ensues
Hysterical College Foreign Exchange Student hits Newfound Daddy on the head with a vase (damn Italians, they can never control their temper can they?) in the company lobby while Luc & Grace watch the scene on TV monitors. I think someone is still holding the baby at this point but I'm really not sure as to who it might be. The police are called. The Responsible Parents flee. The police want to take the baby in custody. No need to, really, Casanova Brother is babysitting him officially. Besides, "my secretary here is actually my fiancée," says he to the dumbfounded cops. To which he adds, "my dear brother and his Hysterical College Foreign Exchange Student are married anyway, which makes everything alright. Please move along gentlemen, I've got this covered." ← At this point you might think none of this makes any sense. At this point you might be right.  

►► Mind if I take a break here? This really is proving exhausting. I need a drink. Be right back.



⑨ Police. Social services. Lots and lots of cheese
That's pretty much the rest of the book in a nutshell. Crime must be really low in San Francisco. Why else would the police check repeatedly on a Casanova man who happens to be babysitting his dear niece? Because yes! It turns out the nephew is actually a niece! Dear Grace finds this out while changing her diapers in front of a police officer. Or was it someone from social services? Can't remember. I know someone was asking for a birth certificate at some point. And that Grace obviously had to move in with Luc (who might or might not have been holding the baby at the time so she could move all her stuff in his apartment). Even though they're not married and no marriage = immediate doom and destruction. But they're engaged, which seems good enough for everyone ← well if you remember correctly they really aren't engaged. They're only pretending to be. So that the dumbfounded cops and bewildered social services people won't take Luc's nephew niece away because he doesn't have his her birth certificate and no no no you can't babysit in San Francisco if you don't have your nephew's niece's birth certificate even if you are pretending to be engaged to your secretary who is pretending to be engaged to her imaginary boyfriend while hiding her utter gorgeousness. So how's the headache going now? 



►► At this point you might be asking yourself what the hell is going on here. To be honest, I have no idea. We have this stupid girl, who is supposed to be engaged to an imaginary guy, living with her boss, pretending to be engaged to him (yes, I know I keep repeating this. Just trying to do the book justice here) and babysitting his nephew niece, while his unmarried (shame on you) brother is frolicking in Italy with his Hysterical College Foreign Exchange Student. Not to mention the fact that neither Grace nor Luc bother to go to the office anymore (that's because they're on babysitting duty). Not to mention the fact that Grace is supposed to stay the hell away from Luc if she wants to open her toy "this was mommy's dream" store. But they have a very platonic relationship so everything is under control. And they have a pretty boring routine: get up, change diapers, prepare the baby bottles (very important sub-plot right there), let the police in, let the social services in, have Luc grope Grace repeatedly but very platonically. Just your basic everyday stuff. 



⑩ Suspension of disbelief to the power of 10
Now throw in: 4 or 5 Salvatore brothers (I stopped counting after a while) who keep visiting the engaged-yet-not-engaged babysitting non-couple and might or might not hold the baby at some point, a no longer Ugly Grace (never fooled Luc anyway), a nosy neighbour, the Luc Macho Man Show (it's okay, he's Italian), Grace's Minister Father (don't ask), Dom (remember who he was or are you completely lost at this point?) returning unexpectedly and finding out he has a nephew niece who is Luc's Newfound Daddy's baby, said baby's mother being Grace Catarina and oh my god doom and destruction are near my son had a child out of wedlock! Let's see, what am I forgetting here? Oh yes. Grace will probably never open her toy "this was mommy's dream" store because she fell for Luc and Dom won't allow it but wait all is not lost because Luc wanted to promote her anyway and does he really want to marry me or will this be just a sordid affair I'm not that kind of girl well I guess we'll just have to wait and see oh look Minister Daddy is here he can marry us right away well hello there officer what can we do for you we were just about to get married but weren't you married already I don't understand shhh shhh it's going to be alright let's get married well hello there Lovely Lady from Social Services what can we do for you we were just about to get married but weren't you married already I don't understand shhh shhh it's going to be alright let's get married well hello there Salvatore Brothers what are you doing here well we heard you were getting married so we thought we'd join the party okay let's get married already well hello there Newfound Daddy and Hysterical College Foreign Exchange Student what are you doing here well we just came back from frolicking in Italy and we thought we'd stop by to pick up our son daughter thank you so much for babysitting we're very sorry to interrupt by the way were you getting married oh good for you it looks like you are no longer doomed as we are.

SO WHO'S HOLDING THE FREAKING BABY NOW????

Who's Holding the Baby?

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