Elise Loehnen

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • A groundbreaking exploration of the ancient rules women unwittingly follow in order to be considered “good,” revealing how the Seven Deadly Sins still control and distort our lives and illuminating a path toward a more balanced, spiritually complete way to live Why do women equate self-denial with being good? We congratulate ourselves when we resist the donut in the office breakroom. We celebrate our restraint when we hold back from sending an email in anger. We feel virtuous when we wake up at dawn to get a jump on the day. We put others’ needs ahead of our own and believe this makes us exemplary. In On Our Best Behavior, journalist Elise Loehnen explains that these impulses—often lauded as unselfish, distinctly feminine instincts—are actually ingrained in us by a culture that reaps the benefits, via an extraordinarily effective collection of mores known as the Seven Deadly Sins. Since being codified by the Christian church in the fourth century, the Seven Deadly Sins—pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth—have exerted insidious power. Even today, in our largely secular, patriarchal society, they continue to circumscribe women’s behavior. For example, seeing sloth as sinful leads women to deny themselves rest; a fear of gluttony drives them to ignore their appetites; and an aversion to greed prevents them from negotiating for themselves and contributes to the 55 percent gender wealth gap. In On Our Best Behavior, Loehnen reveals how we’ve been programmed to obey the rules represented by these sins and how doing so qualifies us as “good.” This probing analysis of contemporary culture and thoroughly researched history explains how women have internalized the patriarchy, and how they unwittingly reinforce it. By sharing her own story and the spiritual wisdom of other traditions, Loehnen shows how we can break free and discover the integrity and wholeness we seek.

The Price Women Pay to Be Good

On Our Best Behavior

Sarah Schumacher

There is important doing that needs to be done. We need to put aside some of the busywork, the perfectionistic minutiae that are not worthy of our care, and take up the Work, the battle against entropy that feels like the undertow of our lives.

There is no reliable model for women to understand what it looks like to know what you want and to go after it without slamming into the assignation of "selfishness."

Referencing “Why Does Patriarchy Exist?”

…patriarchy's dominance depends on the complicity and compliance of women and on the way we enforce these rules with each other, training our children to be obedient to this system as well. As they point out, children come to insert the word don't before critical words: For boys, it becomes I don't care; for girls, it is I don’t know.

We are trying to get to a place where we can assess our lives without feeling triggered by the ways in which our needs subjugated the lives of those who were required to tend to them.

Piper Loyd

We are so consumed with the doing—and the not doing—that we have forgotten how to be. We are so fixated on an authority "out there," we're missing the miracles inside, all the moments that illuminate our connection to something bigger within ourselves. 

On Our Best Behavior quotes

Join the club