Gaie Sebold

Babylon Steel, owner of the Red Lantern brothel – and former avatar of the goddess of sex and war – has been offered a job. Two jobs, really: bodyguard to Enthemmerlee, a girl transformed into a figure of legend... and spy for the barely-acknowledged government of Scalentine. The very young Enthemmerlee embodies the hopes and fears of many on her home world of Incandress, and is a prime target for assassination. Babylon must somehow turn Enthemmerlee’s useless household guard into a disciplined fighting force, dodge Incandress’s bizarre and oppressive Moral Statutes, and unruffle the feathers of a very annoyed Scalentine diplomat. All of which would be hard enough, were she not already distracted by threats to both her livelihood and those dearest to her...

Dangerous Gifts

Sarah Escorsa

Actual rating: 4.5 stars 
  “I think this is a fine time for me to hire someone who can rip off heads and spit down necks,” he said. “You want to start with these two?” “Now, Kittack, you know I don’t rip off heads. Generally. Fingers, perhaps. Even arms, if necessary. But no heads. And no spitting. Spitting is vulgar.”
There’s something to be said about girls with high standards and a firm moral code. Severing limbs? Certainly. With much pleasure and stuff. Ejecting saliva and other unsavory projectiles? How positively undignified and most indecorous indeed. My Extremely Very Yummy (EVY™) girlfriend Babylon Steel may be an ex-sellsword, an up-and-coming brothel owner, a gifted whore, and the awesome former spoiler spoiler spoiler of a spoiler spoiler spoiler of Sex and War (yes, she is a multifaceted sweetie pie of many hedonistic talents and multiple deadly skills), but she’s got her priorities straight and knows where to draw the line. Ergo, she is Perfectly Perfect Harem Material (PPHM™). A good thing I was clear-sighted enough to pre-emptively kidnap her half-way through book 1. Go me and stuff.



Okay, if you’ve never heard of this series ← I wish duology (and I’m guessing you haven’t, being the Mildly Ignorant Barnacled Bunch that you are), the first thing you need to know about it is: DO NOT JUDGE. Do not judge the covers that kinda sorta look like 80s B-movie posters. Do not judge the blurbs that make this sound like some gaudy piece of Trashier-than-PNR-Crap Crap (TtPNRCC™). (Oh, and DO NOT #3: do not, under any circumstance, read the blurb for this instalment, for it is spoilerish as fish. You are quite welcome.)

Not to rehash what I already said in my review for book 1 or anything (you know me, I’d never stoop so pathetically low), but Babylon Steel is, without a fishing doubt, one of the most refreshing, entertaining, fascinating, open-minded, socially progressive, stupendeliciously diverse, vivid piece of Luscious Fantasy Lusciousness (LFL™) I have read in the entirety of my entire life. Kidding you I am not. And what makes this world even more very delicious is that it all rings true and feels super extra natural and not bloody shrimping forced and stuff. All in all, you could say that this is exactly the type of book/series/duology/whatever that makes me feel kinda sorta like:

 

A vigorously restrained canine is indeed me.

Yes, it’s true, this instalment is not quite as wonderfully orgasmic as the first one. But it’s still pretty fishing amazing, especially compared to 99.99% of the crap not-so-very-good-stuff out there. The book is fun and fast-paced and surprising and original and packed with Harem-Worthy Characters (HWC™) I very logically kidnapped adopted (Super Hot Lizard Paramour from book 1 included) and hahaha and intriguing AND tackles serious themes such as repression, xenophobia, nationalism, cultural oppression, difference, nonconformity and acceptance, among many others. As in book 1, Sebold managed to write a supercalifragilisticexpialidociously entertaining story that is also thought-provoking  as shrimp. And that, my Comely Arthropods, ain’t not no small feat and stuff.

Now, I don’t want to waste your oh-so-precious time (view spoiler)[
  this might be a slightly sarcastic comment. Maybe. Perhaps.
 (hide spoiler)] and/or bore your little decapodic selves to deathly death, so I will (very generously, if I may say so myself) skip the detailed plot recap. (This has obviously naught to do with the fact that I’m feeling as apathetically lethargic as a hung-over barnacle today. Nope nope nope, absolutely not.) I shall therefore (most graciously, if I may say so myself) offer you this could-have-been-shorter-but-probably-won’t be-oh-well List of Random yet Scrumptious Babylon Steel Stuff (LoRySBSS™) instead: 

① The Utterly Edible and Deliciously Diverse Body Parts Fest (UEaDDBPF™): the cranial crests of supposedly laidback lizards, all colors of scales/tongues/skin/hide/whatever you can and cannot possibly imagine, tails galore, fluttering mouth-fringes, furry muscles, sharp tusks, long floppy noses, mustaches as long as arms (oooh, sexey!), flea brains, muzzled faces, thick-furred muscular tails as propellers, snakelike appendages, triple eyelids, and last but quite certainly not least, four-armed four-breasted torsos. YUM.



Just felt like dancing all of a sudden. Don’t mind me and stuff. Sorry, what? I cannot believe you just asked me that. OF COURSE I’m the titillating chick on the right, not the decrepit dude on the left! *eyerolls so much she loses an eyeball*

② “All tastes, all species, all forms of currency.” Best business tag line ever, if you ask me. No wonder Babylon Steel’s brothel is the best in Scalentine. 
③ Being a mental pickpocket is not all it’s cracked up to be. Just so you know.
④ The Gudain don’t like to talk about bouncy. Which is a damn shame, methinks.
⑤ Blushing bright green is hot as fish.
⑥ The healing power of etymology is most charming indeed. Then again maybe not.
⑦ “Creeping garrotte” is the coolest hairy thing vine in the history of hairy things vines.
⑧ I want to breed “boom beetles” when I grow up.
⑨ I’d keep going but the murderous crustaceans desperately need to feed so I’m off to sacrifice and then barbecue some puny humans for them, and therefore can no longer entertain you with my most fascinating musings and stuff. Please try not to be too heartbroken.

➽ Nefarious Last Words (NLW™): this has to be one of the crappiest crappy non-review ever written most underrated Fantasy worlds ever *waves at Revanche Cycle* If I was Not Very Nice (NVN™) I’d probably say this might have something to do with the fact that Clueless Barnacles will be Clueless and that they insist on reading books wrong. But I’m not, so I won’t. Ha.



Don’t ask. 

· Book 1: Babylon Steel ★★★★★



[Pre-review nonsense]

What you mean, this is the final instalment in this series?! What the bloody shrimping hell of the stinking fish do you mean, THIS IS THE LAST INSTALMENT IN THIS SERIES?! Gaie Sebold, we need to talk.



➽ Full review to come and stuff.

Dangerous Gifts

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