Grant Naylor

When Holly, the computer on the "Red Dwarf," suddenly goes dumb, David Lister, the holographic Arnold Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten, the cleaning robot, become trapped in a game called "Better Than Life," and it is up to a talking Toaster to save them all.

Better than Life (Red Dwarf)

Emma Hak-Kovacs

“He slipped the gold fob-watch out of his waistcoat, flicked open the cover and stared at the dial. The Cat had replaced the conventional numbers with a series of symbols, which stood for 'food', 'sex', 'snooze', 'light snooze', 'heavy snooze', 'major sleep', 'self-adoration hour', 'preening' and 'bathtime'. Right now, it was twenty past sex, or, to put it another way, quarter to food.”

Rimmer hated keeping the news to himself. In his opinion, the best part of having bad news was being able to tell as many people as possible.

“What was the point of being selfless and brave if no one knew about it?”

Creature polo was the Cat's favourite game. Unnecessary cruelty to small, furry animals was very much part of his psychological make-up. Plus, he got to dress up in some really neat duds.

There was good-looking, there Was great-looking and then there was him. God, it was cruel to have been born a male, and have a reflection that was also male, forcing him into a platonic relationship with his own image.

Then it occurred to a bright young systems analyst at Android International that the best way to keep the robots subdued was to give them religion. Hallelujah! The concept of Silicon Heaven was born.

“I’mm not insane. Not anymore. Can't you tell? Doan you notice anytheeng different? I've had personality surgery.”

“Ees all the rage, now. Plastic surgery ees out. Personality surgery ees in. Look at me - doan you think I'm different? I've had a sense of humour implant, I've had my selfishness tucked, my greed lifted and my temper tightened.”

But the Toaster was still reeling from the news that the creator of all things was Lister, a man with a frighteningly small appetite for hot, buttered toast. It rocked the Toaster to the very core of its being. “If the creator of the universe doesn't like toast, then what's it all about?"

Next was some stupid love story. With the same plot as all cat love stories: boy meets girl, boy leaves girl, boy gets another girl. The Cat shook his head. Romantic slush. 

Flick. At last something interesting. MTV - the twenty- four hour mirror channel. The Cat gazed lovingly at his reflected image, while smoochy music piped softly through the speakers. The programme was totally ruined less than three hours later when a thirty millisecond advert break spoiled his concentration, and he flicked the set off in disgust.

Kryten, as usual, was in the kitchens mopping the Cat's huge, black-and-white-checked stone floor. 

“I've nearly finished,” said Kryten to the Cat as he climbed out of the hatch. 'Just a few more minutes, and then we really must get back to reality. Oh, look at this,” he orgasmed, “a custard stain. And it goes right across the length of the floor.”

Better than Life (Red Dwarf) quotes

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