Kyrie McCauley

In Auburn, Pennsylvania, a farming community overrun with crows, high school senior Leighton struggles to keep herself and her sisters safe from their abusive father even as she starts a relationship.

If These Wings Could Fly

I wonder what it would feel like to come home and not be afraid of what's waiting inside.

She could no longer share her beauty with the world, so consumed was she with keeping him happy.

It would have been so easy to stay mad, to dwell on it all night, but I've seen how that kind of relentless anger builds on itself. I get to decide for myself what things I'll carry, and anger isn't going to be one of them.

Maybe fear is the toll women pay to exist in this world at all.

I glance at the house. Picture-perfect from out here: a family cooking dinner together.

"Well, that's a fun change from your usual."

"The last thing was over towels, and I'm not taking unnecessary risks with my mom and sisters there."

"Just unnecessary risks for yourself, then."

If only she knew how much I'm holding back. All the words that I don't say. Instead, I swallow the words whole, and the letters are pointy on their corners and sharp on their edges and they hurt going down. They stay there inside of me and make my stomach ache. Sometimes j think that if someone cut me open, the words would really be there. Like a whole that consumed too much garbage, and now her body is nothing but a time capsule for all the things humans throw away.

What is the weight of a word? Maybe it's measured in ink and paper. Maybe it's measured by the harm it causes. Especially the ones said out loud, in anger.

I know, but it's so late and we should be asleep.

I know, but in the morning you'll have forgotten that thing made of fear in your chest. That ache I feel every day and every night.

When the legacy is anger, the inheritance is fear.

When you live in chaos, boring is a retreat. The mundane is magnificent.

I cry a lot when I laugh. I cry when I'm sad and when I'm scared; and definitely when jm angry, but also when I laugh. Especially when I laugh so hard it hurts my ribs.

I know now that the last is never true. It will happen again. And he probably does love us, but it's never been enough to make him stop.

Like if you don't let anyone know just how much you want it, it won't hurt as much when it doesn't happen.

"Isn't that the dream? Get in everywhere? Have half a dozen golden paths laid out, ours for the choosing."

It's either this or apathy. Nothing in between for me.

My dad loved it so much it destroyed him.

Here they label ignorance as tradition and carry on as though they've earned the right to be cruel.

I smell the roses and think of women let down by other women. Women who are told their obedience is more important than their voice, not by their husbands, but by their mothers, their friends. Women wiling to watch each other get hurt for the sake of image and tradition.

But thanks to my home, I've seen the slip side of the charming coin, and it isn't a prince.

The scraps I saved in my piano bag are gone.

Instead if hanging this photo up, I lay it on the counter beside the roses.

She has to decide whether to put it back on the wall.

When he disappeared he may have slept in his van.

"He slept at his office. What more do you want?"

He brought me flowers and a hug for my 16th at a public space. I've always disliked receiving flowers. Now I hate it.

He brought her flowers. Scarlet roses that sit in a chipped vast next to the sink. He likes to apologise with small gestures that never match the gravity of what he's done.

"𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬, 𝐭𝐨𝐨."

-- my review --

Easily a 5/5 piece of written art if I'm generous. Was an easy read (4-5 days each time I've read it) although it addressed not-so-easy topics.

TW: domestic violence, descriptions of abuse and violence

Kyrie McCauley's books are just so haunting in the most beautiful way. Even while this book was mainly about the heavy topic of domestic violence and the effects of it, McCauley weaves in imagery and metaphors that I can't stop thinking about-- the crows, the flowers, JUST READ IT.

Like in every good YA contemporary fiction, none of the characters are completely black or white. The all have their own faults and flaws, vulnerabilities and moments of weakness that make them feel so REAL. This was a real page-turner and there was so much anticipation in knowing that the peace in this dysfunctional family would have to break sooner or later. The unfairness of it all, the friendship, the romance, the symbolism through authorly intervention... just, yes, wow.

This story also brings in some thematic ideas of friendship and coming of age, besides family. There were brief mentions of topics such as racism and feminism that made this even more empowering.

Add this to your tbr list immediately and read it ASAP.


liyA

kaelyn

Perfect for fans of Laura Ruby, Laurie Halse Anderson, and Mindy McGinnis, Kyrie McCauley’s stunning YA debut is a powerful story about the haunting specter of domestic violence and the rebellious forces of sisterhood and first love. A Morris Award finalist. Tens of thousands of crows invading Auburn, Pennsylvania, is a problem for everyone in town except seventeen-year-old Leighton Barnes. For Leighton, it’s no stranger than her house, which inexplicably repairs itself every time her father loses his temper and breaks things. Leighton doesn’t have time for the crows—it’s her senior year, and acceptance to her dream college is finally within reach. But grabbing that lifeline means abandoning her sisters, a choice she’s not ready to face. With her father’s rage worsening and the town in chaos over the crows, Leighton allows herself a chance at happiness with Liam, her charming classmate, even though falling in love feels like a revolutionary act. Balancing school, dating, and survival under the shadow of sixty thousand feathered wings starts to feel almost comfortable, but Leighton knows that this fragile equilibrium can only last so long before it shatters.

If These Wings Could Fly

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