Name: Free Agent
ISBN: 9780425272671

J. C. Nelson

In order to have her own happy ending, Grimm Agency's newest agent Marissa Locks must take on fairies, dragons and royalty to save the realm after a matchmaking attempt between a first-rate prince and a second-rate princess goes horribly wrong. Original.

Free Agent

Sarah Escorsa

DNF at 12%. Because there's only so much crap I can take. “What kind of crap are we talking about here,” you ask? The highly flammable type. Sorry, what? Are there some incendiary examples I could share with you? Why of course there are! Horrendously Craptastic Crap (HCC™) abounds in this masterpiece!

✘ First we have this:
  “Princess PMS rose to her feet.”
✘ Then we have this (aka The Real Winner):
  “She didn’t look like a princess. She looked like a college intern for a radio station. Five foot three, strawberry blonde, and a complexion that could sure as hell use work. Plus she was packing the freshman five on her hips, along with the sophomore seven on her thighs and, well, you get the idea.”
✘ And finally, we have this (aka The Cherry on the Flammable Crap Cake):
  “I'd have loved to be beautiful. To have flawless skin and a nose that didn't look tiny, or eyes that didn't look like my father was part bat. Grimm said that men loved my large brown eyes. I didn't. I wanted blue eyes like Mom and Dad, but you didn't get a say in genetic roulette. If I ever got to go home, I was planning on asking Grimm to change my eyes to be like them. A push-up bra and a firm running regimen were the other components of my beauty treatment.”
➽ Quick recap. In the first 10 pages we have:
✔ Girl-bashing 
✔ Body-shaming 
✔ Reinforced stereotypes 

This is what first came to my little mind when I read this: 

And this is what it made me feel like:



I have to say that one of the things I liked most about this wonderfully enjoyable book is how gloriously mature its exceptionally lovable heroine is: 
  “Setting up a princess was a whole different matter, thanks to one fundamental law of the universe: Men are stupid.”
 Bloody fishing hell, woman girl! What are you, 12?! Yep, sure sounds like it. And the Most Childish, Ridiculously Juvenile, Half-grown Nitwit of a Character Award goes to…Marissa of the Stupidly Stupid and Wondrously Superficial Antics (SSaWSA™)! Yay! We have a winner and stuff! 



But you know what? Contrary to what I might have led you to believe, this book is not ALL bad. No it’s not. I mean, Free Agent might be filled to the brim with HCC™, but its mere existence proves without a doubt that publishers have a hilarious sense of humor. Yes it does. The book is marketed as Urban Fantasy, you see. Hahahahaha. Urban Fantasy! When it is naught but bad chick-lit in disguise, as written by a 15-year old! If that isn’t proof that publishers are an uproariously facetious bunch, I don’t know what will! So QED and stuff.

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Free Agent

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