Seven Forges

A message from Sarah from the Future (SftF™): lots of digressions to be expected here. Must be the alcohol. You're welcome. You know it, I know it: my Fantasy non-reviews suck. Glad we cleared that up. Okay, so Epic/High/Whatever Fantasy is for the Brainy People, which I clearly am not, since I only have two grey cells (or one and a half, depending on the weather). So if you are looking for serious, in-depth, super clever Fantasy reviews, you've come to the wrong place. The right place being Evgeny's, Eon's, Markus' or Gavin's. Wait. They're all guys, that can't be right. What happened to chicks rule, men drool and stuff?! Bloody hell! I'm supposed to be a freaking feminist and shit, women power and all that crap, I can't send you to read guys' reviews!! This will not do! This cannot be! Hold on for a sec, I'll be right back! Okay, okay, here I am again, with some pretty awesome chicks for you to check out (okay, so some of them read also Romance crap, but not all girls can be as perfect as I am, so please cut them some slack. Thank you): Robin, Choko, Athena, Jessica & the French Frowner that Shall not be Named (tFFtSnbN™). Oh crap. I was supposed to be reviewing a book here, wasn’t I? Damn, I keep forgetting about these things. No wonder the trolls love me so much, and think I'm full of shit wisdom, good-sense, love and kindness and understanding and stuff. Wait. Am I digressing again? Oh well. You did know what you were in for when you started reading this Piece of Crap (view spoiler)[no, PoC™ are not limited to UF and PNR authors, people (hide spoiler)], weren't you? So don't come complaining now. But anyway. I might have only two grey cells on good days, Despicable book Taste (DBT™), and a brain mostly enabled for UF and PNR Crap (UaPC™), but I can still read and appreciate Fantasy, my Little Barnacles. Please try and refrain from fainting. Thank you. And now I have a question for all of you Self-Confessed Fantasy Freaks (SCFF™): why the Bloody Shrimp aren't more of you reading this series??!! I mean, seriously, people, why are you all fan girl/boy-ing about silly series like Greatcoats *waves at her Minion in Training* when you could be reading Seven Forges?! Dumbfoundation (yes, that is a word) is me. How do you like my wig/beard combo? Pretty hot, huh? What I am ever so cleverly trying to say is: this book. THIS BOOK. Read it, my Little Barnacles, READ IT! This thing here pretty much has it all: ✔ A cover so gloriously delicious I want to lick it until my tongue falls off. ✔ Stupid-enabled Fantasy story. Despite the multiple plot lines. Wow. ✔ Great, original, intriguing world. It's pretty wondrous stuff, really. ✔ Awesome cast all over. Cool guys, brilliant girls. Deliciously cunning characters galore. Multiple POVs that are never boring and keep the story going. Even when it comes to the *takes a deep breath* disgustingly youngish characters in the story. Mostest awesomest stuff, to be sure. ✔ Awesome, strong, ass-kicking, blood-shedding, take-no-bullshit, harem-worthy uber cool chicks. Yes yes yes. Yum yum yummy yumminess. ✉ Super private, personal message to Swech: will you marry me? Pretty please? Okay, so you might be slightly spoiler spoiler spoiler and Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler (not his real name) might be against our blissful union but who the hell cares? We are perfect for each other, love conquers all, and all that crap. So please marry me. And if you don't want to, no problem. I am, as you would expect, an understanding kind of gal. So if you answer by the negative, I'll just do the "poof! Gone!" on you, and lock you up in my harem. Such a lucky girl you are. ✔ Super uber hot veil-wearing, hands-of-steel endowed guy who might or might not be one of the good or bad guys. Not sure yet. Which makes him even hotter. Especially since his Super Special Endowments (SSE™) are not limited to his silver/steel/whatever hands. ← no, this is no digression, people. These are facts. Just ask Wallace. He's seen Drask (aka My Man, aka Harem Recruit #4589) in the buff, it was pretty traumatizing for him, and I'm sure he'll be more than happy to tell you ALL about it. Oh, and by the way, that's my Big Bad Baby (BBB™) up there on the book cover. No wonder I fell in love with him/it at first sight, and thought he/it looked good enough to eat. Am I referring to the book cover, my BBB™, his SSE™ or all three? Ha! Wouldn't you love to know! ✔ Twists and turns and oh no's and Bloody Hell I didn't See that One Coming Stuff (BHIdStOCS™). I'm rarely ever surprised when I read books (Daisy, my sentient crystal ball, tells me everything), but this one had quite a few God Dammit Mr Moore, I wasn't Expecting This Moments (GDMMIWETM™). ✔ Super cool pets. Not sure I'd want to adopt them all, because some of them are a little bit too freaky, even for me (which should tell you something). But hey, Fleet Admiral DaShrimp tells me I should be more of an equal opportunity kind of nefarious breeder gal, so I'll give them all a chance. Welcome to the Nefarious Zoo, you lovely beasts! ✔ My all-time favourite : blood and gore, yay! And super cool fight scenes, too! With blood! And gore! And stuff! YAY! And not to spoil it for those who had the misfortune NOT to read this book but: IT'S WAR!! Aka: I'm in ♥ Oh, and by the way, I listened to the audio version of this book. While I was coloring and stuff. And David de Vries is a pretty cool narrator and stuff. I mean, I understood everything that was going on, and didn't get the colors in my masterpiece mixed up, so I'm thinking that makes him kinda sorta reasonably somewhat awesome. And stuff. » And the moral of this Crappy Non Review is: hey you, Fantasy Freaks, stop pestering me about Silly Sanderson and Yawn Yawn Yawn Greatcoats and stuff! Follow my two-grey-celled advice and… · Book 2: The Blasted Lands ★★★★ · Book 3: City of Wonders ★★★★ · Book 4: The Silent Army ★★