Jaye Wells

Magic is a Drug. Dirty Deals Lead to Deadly Ends. When the Magic Enforcement Agency is called out to the scene of a dirty magic lab explosion, a body with a bullet wound is found in the smoldering ruins. As Detective Kate Prospero and her partner, Special Agent Drew Morales, hunt down the killer, they uncover evidence that a dangerous new coven may be operating in the Cauldron. It’s not long before the bodies start piling up, and the heat is on for the team to make an arrest. Solving the murders will require unraveling dangerous alliances between the city’s dirty magic covens. And if they’re not careful, the new complexities of Morales and Prospero’s own partnership threaten to make a volatile situation downright deadly.

Volatile Bonds

Sarah Escorsa

Actual, actual rating: 3 stars. My original 3.45-star rating? I must have been slightly high when I came up with it. Or drunk. Or both.

Sooooooooo. Time for some Prospero's War Maths (PWM™):

① I bloody shrimping lurves this world.
It's darkish. It's dirty. It's messy. It's populated by delightfully assholish characters. And total bastards. And cagey criminal types. And a most exquisite array of untrustworthy low lives. And a whole bunch of colourful nutcases: LM is an obnoxious, crass dream in diapers come true (don't ask), I want to adopt Sweet Ray the pigeon psychic (don't ask) and Yü Nü gives new meaning to the expression "crazy cat horned lady" (don't ask). This world. It really is a thing of fished up beauty and stuff.

+/-

② Cupcake and Macho. I lurves them, too.
Then again maybe not. I mean, Macho (aka Morales) is still one of my Favorite Lickable Boyfriends (FLB™) ever (view spoiler)[
  in case you were wondering: YES, he is safely locked up in my High Security Harem. You're welcome
 (hide spoiler)] but Cupcake (aka Kate)? The chick is seriously starting to get on my nerves pincers. I mean, GROW UP! How long will we have to deal with your blooding shrimping issues and insecurities?! This is getting really old and you're obviously in serious need of some Critical Emergency Character Development (CECD™). I'm getting viciously pissed off by your slightly irritating behavior, so you better try and do something about it. Like tell some of your supposed friends to fish the hell off, for example. I mean, that's what normal people do when their supposed friends betray their trust, and constantly scheme behind their bloody shrimping back, because they think they know much better than them. Well fish them, and fish that! 



You got that right, fishy.

Also: Macho is the only one who's always got your back and supports you, especially when your supposed friends behave likes assholes. So stop lashing out at him, treating him like shit and getting all offended by what he did/failed to do. You're not the exactly perfection personified either, so cut him some slack. Unless you want me to unleash my homicidal babies on you, that is. But if that happens to be the case, then by all means, do go on. My murderous children have been quite restless lately, and will be more than happy to go all slaughterish on you and stuff.



It's a serial killing shrimp, my dear.

Also, also: John Bloody Shrimping Volos. You do NOT want to go there. NO. YOU. DON'T. Because non-TSTL heroines are NOT supposed to spoiler spoiler spoiler, behave like annoying schoolgirls and have spoiler spoiler spoiler when it comes to bloody shrimping unlikable (choose all that apply) assholes/bastards/jackasses/pricks/asses/sobs. Damn, girl, it really feels like you want me release the kraken crustaceans or something. So you might want to call the UN and ask if they can deploy the Blue Helmets in the Babylon area, just in case. It never hurts to plan ahead and stuff. 

+/-

③ The not too bad but not too good either plot I didn't lurve.
Okay, so the plot doesn't suck. It's fairly entertaining, too. But you get to the end of the book and think to your amazing little self, "errr, that's it? That's what this was all about? Okay then. Now let's try and read something a little more scintillating, shall we?" I mean, much ado about naught and stuff. But I guess what really bothered me here is the way some secondary characters' personalities seem to have changed from the previous instalments in order to fit the plot. What the fish happened to Aphrodite, my mostest favouritest hermaphrodite ever? Where did that spoiler spoiler spoiler thing come from? I didn't get it when I was reading the book, and I still don't get it now. Despite my dazzling intellect. My dear (and slightly fabulous) wife Maria, whom I had the delicious pleasure (view spoiler)[
  just kidding, it was a total pain
 (hide spoiler)] to buddy read this not so delectable book with, says in her wondrously spot-on review that "it's like Ms.Wells has been away from these characters for too long and now they feel slightly off." Dear Slightly Fabulous Wife, you nailed it indeed. That's exactly what it feels like, and Aphrodite is the perfect example of how out of character some of the cast act in this instalment. Ugh ugh and ugh and stuff.

- 	
-
-
-

④ The Incoming Bloody Shrimping Love Triangle of Doom and Destruction (BSLToDaD™).

So it hasn't happened yet. But it's coming at us like a bunch of supersonic, rabid barnacles on acid. And I fully expect the next book in the series to be a disaster of epic proportions. At least. If not worse. So. Dear Kate Prospero. You know how much I lurves you. Well I guess you know I much I lurved you until you started irritating the hell out of me. But anyway. I still almost lurves you and stuff. BUT. Ditch my boyfriend Morales to frolic with the Bloody Shrimping King of Bloody Shrimping Deceitful Assholes (BSKoBSDA™) and you're dead. But hey, no pressure and stuff. 



Sense a recurring theme here? Clever, clever Little Barnacles.

Time to recap.

① +/- ② +/- ③ - - - - ④ =



Okay, so maybe it wasn't that bad. But I've been waiting for this instalment to be published for two fishing years, so I think I'm entitled to some slightly dramatic manufactured drama and stuff. You're welcome.

➽ And the moral of this Saying that this Installment was Somewhat Underwhelming and a Little Unnerving would Be Putting it Somewhat Mildly and a Little Gently and Stuff Crappy Non Review (SttIwSUaaLUwBPiSMaaLGaSCNR™) is: I'm going down on my knees pincers and praying my shrimpy gods that book 5 won't be the total and complete train wreck I'm expecting it to be. Come to think of it, I might sacrifice a few puny humans, too. Pretty sure it would help. And that Jaye Wells would appreciate the kind gesture and stuff. 

P.S. I want a Macho spin-off.
P.P.S. I want a Shadi spin-off.
P.P.P.S.S.S. Pen, I can't stand you.
P.P.P.P.S.S.S.S. Volos needs to die. NOW. Thank you.

· Book 0.5: Fire Water ★★★★
· Book 1: Dirty Magic ★★★★★
· Book 2: Cursed Moon ★★★★★
· Book 3: Deadly Spells ★★★★★



[Pre-review nonsense]

Actual rating: 3.45 stars. Maybe. If I'm a good mood when I write the full crappy non-review.

Ugh, ugh and UGH.

My utter lurve for Kate Prospero and her dirty world makes me want to rate this book 4+ stars. Its anticlimactic ending and the looming shadow of a Bloody Shrimping Love Triangle of Doom and Destruction (BSLToDaD™), combined with the unavoidable relationship drama BS it entails makes me want to rate this book 3- pathetic stars. Decisions, decisions and stuff. I shall have to brainstorm with myself. It shall hurt. But I shall survive. And come back with what will undoubtedly be a gloriously fascinating review thing for you to read blatantly ignore. Now excuse me while I go shake my inner monkey two remaining grey cells into cogitative motion and stuff.



➽ Full This Suspiciously Smells Like a Train Wreck of a Next Instalment is on the Way So I Shall Go Down on my Pincers and Pray my Shrimpy Gods that Jaye Wells Won't Go There or Else… Crappy Non Review (TSSLaTWoaNIiotWSISGDomPaPmSGtJWWGtoRCNR™) to come. 


 
It's not like I want to read this book or anything. I mean, it is naught but the fourth instalment in one of my mostest favouritest series ever. And it's not like I have been waiting for TWO BLOODY SHRIMPING YEARS for Jaye Wells to write it or anything. Nah. Absolutely not.

Volatile Bonds

Reviews