Jenn Stark

One Wilde Night

Sarah Escorsa

Okay, let's cut to the chase here. No time to lose, things to do, places to go, and all that crap. Opening scene: a naked rave/orgy in the basement of a club in Rio de Janeiro. No, you stop it right there! Yes, you, the person who is reading this review. I know exactly what you're thinking right now but you are wrong. You are so very wrong. You're thinking: "oooooh, an orgy! How hot! How positively naughty! How deliciously salacious!" Salacious? Haha. Repeat after me: lame-a-saurus! Let's say it once more, louder this time: LAME-A-SAURUS! Damn this was so pathetic it made me want to cry.

You know why this was so lame? Because of the author's desperate attempts to make it both cool and funny. 'Attempts' being the key word here. Oh the author tried, I'll give you that. And that's the problem right there: she tried so hard it ended up being ridiculous. Let's take our dear heroine, for example (don't ask me her name, I can't remember. And no it has nothing to do with Alzheimer's): here's one super duper cool badass chick wannabe. And a clever one at that! The girl's an artefact hunter who uses tarot cards to find, well, whatever artefact it is she's looking for. But hey, she's no pro-bono Indiana Jones-type gal. Don't be silly now. The whole "let's do it for science/humanity/the world" thing is terribly overrated these days. Besides, philanthropy is totally out. Our girl here is doing it all for the BIG BUCKS!

 

Anyway, that's where the lame-a-saurus orgy comes in. Because our badass wannabe needs to attend said orgy to recover an artefact. Since the girl's a little Einstein in the making, she thinks to herself: orgy = the place will be crowded with butt naked people. So far so good. To blend in, she will have to get butt naked as well. Okay. But she needs to be able to make her butt-naked way through the HUGE crowd easily. Right. So she oils herself to death. You know, she covers herself in oil from head to toe. Well, let me tell you, if you ever go to an orgy, don't overdo it with the oil: the whole boob pinching/ass groping act gets real complicated pretty quick. Not to mention how slippery things get when the time comes to make a run for it.

 

Supposedly funny chaos and action ensue. Hot males abound. Some magician guy talks to badass wannabe in her head. She finally gets the artefact. The artefact gets stolen because our girl falls into a stupid trap even my 10-year-old niece would have seen coming from ten miles away. The hunt for the artefact resumes. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Oh, look! A case of Bad French! Yay! I love it so much when authors pretend they know how to speak French and try to impress their readers with their all-encompassing knowledge of the country! Yay again, I am excite! (view spoiler)[

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Let's see, what do we have here?

① “Bonjour, Sainte-Germain-des-”
First of all, it's Saint not Sainte, thank you very much. Now this is spoken by a priest answering a phone. Yes this story has it all. Orgies, magicians, priests, the works. I'm assuming that (before badass wannabe very rudely cut him off) he was about to say “Bonjour, Saint-Germain-des-Près" or something like that. As in the name of his supposed location. Now that makes as much sense as a New Yorker saying "Hello, Manhattan" when they answer their phone. The French may be weird but they're not *that* weird. Well most of the time, anyway.

② "Father Jerome, like most Parisians, was a master at the nuances of communication."
Okay lady, it's Jérôme not Jerome. It might seem stupid to you but we kind of like our silly little accents, so please try not to forget them in books to come. Now the real gem here is that piece about Parisians being masters at the nuances of communication (view spoiler)[
  
 (hide spoiler)]. Now where did that one come from? (view spoiler)[
  
 (hide spoiler)]. I've heard a lot of clichés about the French but this one? A real winner, I tell you! (view spoiler)[
  
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③ “With enough seed money to start the home in Bencançon. You’ll see.”
Sigh. Now tell me Ms Stark, how difficult is it to pick a name on Google Maps and copy it to your draft/manuscript/whatever? Copy it without spelling it wrong, that is. You'd think a 5-year-old would be able to do it. But apparently it's much too complex a task. Note to Ms. Stark: it's Besançon, not Bencançon. Try saying Bencançon out loud a few times and let me know how that goes for you. If you speak French, it will probably be a painful experience. 



Simultaneous translation (yeah, I'm cool like that): "Aïe, ça fait mal" = "ouch, it hurts!" You're welcome. 

And you know what? We are not done in the cliché department, oh no! And it has nothing to do with the silly French this time! Ms. Stark has delightful misconceptions about the Brazilian, too! Yay! So the action for this story takes place in Rio de Janeiro. During the carnival, obviously. Because, you know, nothing ever happens in Rio when it's not ♫♫carnival♫♫ time. Much like nothing happens in New Orleans when it's not Mardi Gras. Anyway, it's Rio, it's carnival time and the Brazilians are sizzling HAWT. Because, you know, they're Brazilian and stuff. 



Ah, lovely people these Brazilians. Such colourful, horny natives. It's positively charming. I'm pretty sure their hormones must be affected by the tropical heat. I mean, no one can be that naturally oversexed (view spoiler)[Well I do know a few people here who can. No, I will not give you names, I'm not like that (view spoiler)[just send me a PM and I'll tell you who they are (hide spoiler)] (hide spoiler)]. Damn, Brazilians are so horny they even invite eighteen-year-olds to their orgies! Imagine that! Eighteen! "Certainly not old enough to be invited to an orgy, even in Brazil." *shakes head in desperation* Man, I'm not even Brazilian but I was pissed as hell over the way they were portrayed here. Friendly advice to Ms Stark: please make sure you set your next books (you know, those I won't read) in the US, there might be a chance you won't offend anyone if you do *crosses fingers*

And the moral of this story is: bloody hell, yes! Another series I won't be continuing! My TBR shelf says thank you!

Nickie Mohler

I really enjoy Sara. How she manages to get herself out of these situations is always an entertaining read.

One Wilde Night

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