Joseph Smith, Jr.

Another Testament of Jesus Christ (Official Edition)

The Book of Mormon

Michael Springer

Somehow I'm not surprised Orson Scott Card and Stephanie Meyer don't recognize an uninspired sequel when they see one. 
++++++

That's my one-sentence review. 

And it came to pass that we had a talk with the neighborhood Mormons today, and they bestowed upon us the Book of Mormon. And it came to pass that we are slowly making our way through it, checking to make sure we haven't too hastily judged it. And it came to pass that, so far, god seems like every bit as cruel of a dictator as he ever did in parts I and II. I'm going to do a real review later, but for now, know that, as long as you feel IN YOUR HEART god wants you to break into someone's house, steal his/her Sacred Tablets, and then cut his/her head off, it's okay. 

Don't know about you, but that's a load off my mind. 

+++++++
 

Honestly, I'm glad that on that day several weeks ago, the Mormons stopped by. It's a good thing they came over and talked to us about their religion. 

They think stupid things, preciousss. . . They believe Jesus came to Americas and talked to the Indians. . . 

Yes, but they were very nice.

The Mormonses want to sell you their religion. They think your atheism isn't good enough.

Yes, but from their point of view, my life is missing something. They can't help feeling that way, just like I can't help feeling like their lives are missing something. They think I'm missing god. I think they're missing sanity. 

They think womanses can't preach, and they mock them by saying it's separate but equal. It's bullshit, precioussss. They think good people gets lighter skin, and dark people are being punished. Since the Latter Day Saints formed, they've changed their positions on just about everything, even though god's will should be a permanent thing. Nobody can provide any archeological evidence supporting any of their claims about ancient cities, golden tablets, or even the cultures that existed at the time their book was supposed to have been written. The Book of Mormon has people riding horses at a time when horses weren't in the U.S., has people using steel when nobody knew how to forge it, had people using compasses before they were invented. It's a fat turd of badly written lies and plagiarised Bible passages. . . preciousss.

Yes, there's all of that. But then, if we hadn't met them, Joy and I wouldn't have sat around discussing spirituality that one Sunday. 

///flashback///

(Joy and Michael sit on the couch, holding hands, eyes closed.)

Joy: Dear father, uhhh...the Mormons convinced us to try praying to you, to see if we feel your presence or anything...thank you for sending the Mormons by, and....for giving us each other, and also our dog, Athena....Thanks for our jobs, and food, and the television, and whatever else I'm leaving out. I don't understand why you're male. And why, assuming you authored the Book of Mormon, you left out mrs. god. They say there's a holy mother, but in order to protect her, god hasn't spoken of her. That doesn't make any sense, and we think they're just making shit up. 

Anyway, We said we'd ask some questions, so here they are: are the Mormons telling us the truth? And do you exist? And are you a male? Okay. That's it. Amen.

Michael: Amen.

*Later*

Michael: When I try to communicate with a greater presence, I sometimes feel a little something. But, when I picture Jesus on a cross, or Joseph Smith translating tablets, I don't feel anything. I just don't see any reason we have to give it a name, give it a sex, give it a personality, whatever.

Joy: See, I spent the first sixteen years of my life praying and trying to feel something. It's not like I haven't "given god a chance," so I don't even know why we're going through this. We're just humoring them.

Michael: You know, maybe there IS a god, and he IS selective about who gets to go to happyland. But, maybe he's put all of these earthly ideas of god here to serve as golden calves, and only those who use the abilities they've been given--their rational thought, and an adherence to a true morality--only those people will get into happyland. Maybe that's what it is.

*Later Still*

Joy: We should start going back to that Unitarian Universalist service. If we have a kid, we won't want her to grow up without any understanding of what religion is. We should be upfront with her--

Michael: Or him--

Joy: --about being atheists ourselves, but I don't want her--

Michael: Or him--

Joy: --to be forced into anything like I was as a kid.

Michael: Yeah, we should start going back. That one church we went to that one time had all sorts of volunteering. We can go protest the 1070 bill and get arrested! 

///flashforward///

After talking to them, we started thinking about spirituality again, and we've both been feeling a little better about existence since then.

But it's bullshit, preciousss. The book is half "And so it came to pass," and one third "exceedingly," and the other third tripe. 

But, Evil Half, that comes out to--

Shut up about my maths.

Well, the book sucks. It really does. But, despite all of the negativity between its covers, the people who follow the tradition still seem to be very nice people. And only good came from the two meetings we had with our Mormons.

They haven't given up on you yet. When they do, they'll eat your sooooouuuuuuuuulllll...

Shut up, Evil Michael. Leave now and never come back. 


///ungracious segue into the final part of the review///

Greatest hits from The B.O.M.:

3 Nephi 7:8 And thus six years had not passed away since the more part of the people had turned from their righteousness, like the dog to his vomit, or like the sow to her wallowing in the mire.

2 Nephi 9:33 Wo unto the uncircumcised of heart, for a knowledge of their iniquities shall smite them at the last day.

2 Nephi 14:1 And in that day, seven women shall take hold of one man, saying: We will eat our own bread, and wear our own apparel; only let us be called by thy name to take away our reproach. 

And, finally, my very favorite:

1 Nephi 18:2 Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men, neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; wherefore, it was not after the manner of men.

The word of god. He's a poet.

The Book of Mormon Another Testament of Jesus Christ (Official Edition)

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