Monster Hunter Vendetta

⚠️ The gif is strong in this one. Thou hast been warmed and stuff. So the MC for this instalment is one of the secondary characters in the series, agent Franks of the super extra secret U.S. Monster Control Bureau. I’d tell you stuff about him but I can’t because major spoiler spoiler spoiler for those who haven’t read book 2 in the series, so I won’t. You’re welcome and stuff. You don’t really need the details, anyway. I mean, all you really need to know about him is what he likes to do in his spare time: (Minus the hairy bits, which are so not Franks’ style.) And also this: And also this: And also this: Franks enjoys pretty much anything that involves chilling out and relaxing, really. Yeah, he’s a real zen, meditative kind of guy. It’s a whole different story when he has to go to work and hunt big, bad monsters, obviously: He (most reluctantly) leaves his yoga mat and scented candles at home, puts his Frankie’s Peace & Harmony Cottage YouTube channel on pause, and goes off to slightly butcher and slaughter anything and everything that dares move in his presence. Such a well-rounded guy he is. That’s not exactly what I meant by “well-rounded,” but yeah, sure, whatever and stuff. Anyhoo and stuff, in this instalment super serene and easygoing Agent Franks finds himself outrageously and most unacceptably framed by a bunch of evil scumbags (yay!), and forced to slaughter his way through them prove his innocence all by his lonesome. Poor Frankie, he really reminded me of a hapless, abandoned, defenseless little kitty in this one (view spoiler)[ See what I mean? (hide spoiler)]. But hey, at least he got reunited with an old evil nemesis buddy of his and even played a fun game of rip off my arm and I’ll sever your neck tag with him for a while, so I guess it’s not all bad. Anything else outside of Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler Territory (SSST™) I can tell you about, you ask? Well, let’s see, there’s talk of virgin sacrifices, which is always a plus. There are zany cultists, people with functioning moral compasses (aka boringly predictable crybabies), tentacles (yay!), a special task force named after unicorns whose members are the most kind-hearted, altruistic, benevolent ever, not nearly enough gangsta gnomes for my taste, soul-leeching sex demons and orc priestesses charming characters galore, mystical Catholic ninja monks, wannabe puffer fish, and muscular, super strong, tireless, focused Mr. Potato Heads. Oh, and there are things that go boom, too. And hacking and staking and chopping and dismemberment, oh my! It’s all Super Extra Fun Times (SEFT™), all the time! You know what this means, don’t you? That’s right, gotta dance and stuff! ➽ Nefarious Last Words (NLW™): this installment was gleefully entertaining and just somewhat very perfect for my no-longer-thinking-and-ever-slightly-dead grey cells. True it is, I kinda sorta missed the regular cast for this series here, aka Super Zen Agent Franks’ BFFs, aka his monster hunting foes peers over at Monster Hunter International. But I have it on good authority—the blurb for the next book, which I shouldn’t have read because it is a truth universally acknowledge that blurbs are dangerous as fish but I know no fear so I did—that they’ll be back post haste (hopefully in less time than it takes to say “Fleet Admiral DaShrimp, unleash the crustaceans!”) so all’s good and stuff. TL;DR As one of the greatest philosophers of our time once said: “You cut my legs! You blew me up with fire! You blew up my sister! You broke our good bodies. Franks is mean!” 👋 To be continued and stuff. • Book 1: Monster Hunter International ★★★★ • Book 2: Monster Hunter Vendetta ★★★★ • Book 3: Monster Hunter Alpha ★★★ • Book 3.5 (short story): A Halloween Public Service Announcement from MHI ★★★★ • Book 4: Monster Hunter Legion ★★★★ • Book 4.5 (short story): Tanya: Princess of the Elves ★★★★ • Book 6: Monster Hunter Siege ★★★ • Book 7: Monster Hunter Guardian ★ [Pre-review nonsense] This is the perfect book for lovers of cute kitties, fluffy bunnies and pastel-colored rainbows. Awwww, just how adorable can you get?! ➽ Full review to come and stuff.

Be glad and rejoice, my Comely Decapods, for I am about to do the Cut the Bloody Shrimping Crap and Just Make a Bloody Fishing List Thing (CtBSCaJMaBFLT™)! Ergo, we won’t be here all day! Maybe. Yeah yeah yeah, I’ve used that gif thousands a few times already, but I’m kinda sorta on strike today, so deal with it and stuff. So. Here goes and stuff. You need to read this book because: ① It’s even more boisterously fun and gleefully entertaining than the first instalment in the series. It’s all non-stop action, Testosterone-Packed Blood and Gore-Adorned BOOM BOOM BOOM You’re Dead Then Again Maybe Not Stuff (TPBaGABBBYDTAMNS™), and mindless merriment all the time, and therefore a blessing for my two overactive grey cells. The poor things are ever-decaying, you see, and always welcome the chance to not have to overthink what they’re reading and stay brain-dead rest for a little while. Such a welcome respite and stuff. ② You won’t find out what/who Agent Franks is if you don’t. Okay, so you probably don’t give a fish about this if you haven’t read book 1, but believe me, you should. Because what/who he is so scrumptiously awesome and stupendously surprising and most beautifully unexpected, not to mention a first in Urban Fantasy (methinks), that it makes reading this instalment a must and stuff. ③ Hahahahaha. Haha. Ha. Hahaha. Need I say more? Didn’t think so. How is this gif relevant, you ask? No idea. You tell me. ④ The coolest Surly Gang of Gangsta Garden Gnomes on Steroids (SGoGGGoS™) ever. I want to adopt them all. They’re obnoxious, they’re offensive, they’re vindictive as fish. They’re armed to the teeth (some of them have a fetish for sawed-off, double-barrelled shotguns, too) and are covered in tattoos. They bench-press like maniacs, booze their little heads off and smoke like overactive industrial chimneys. Also, they have little kids’ furniture in super festive colors. And listen to gangsta rap. These psychotic guys from the Rice Krispies friendly little guys really are perfect adoption material, if you ask me. ⑤ Deliciously Villainous Villainous Villain (DV³™). And I’ll leave it at that because spoiler spoiler spoiler. Okay, I’m feeling uncharacteristically generous today so I’ll tell you this: a guy whose boss is a giant space mollusc who wants to enslave humanity can’t be entirely bad, if you ask me. ⑥ The Greatest Show Freak Circus on Earth: Armored zombie bears! And armored zombie elephants! Zombie trolls! Zombie raptor-human thingies! Zombie everything! Chupacabras with brains the size of tangerines! Ogre hitmen! Heavy metal band-worshipping orcs! Doppelgangers galore! Cute (if a little diabolical) crazy-fanatic chicks! Goat-dog things! Internet trolls who really are trolls! And don’t eat people! And need good dental plans! Doughy asexual humanoid blobs! Awesome in-laws who eat, um, Mexican for dinner! Friendly foes who look like piles of trash! And, the scariest, most terrifying creatures of them all: cuddle bunnies! My thoughts exactly. Oopsy shrimpsy, I just realized I hadn’t yet told you anything about the story. Okay, let’s make this Super Extra Quick (SEQ™) and stuff: Owen (our gun-happy hero of the terminal smartassitude) kinda sorta pissed off some ancient god at the end of the previous instalment. The ancient god was apparently none too delightfully happy about that (I wonder why). And decided it was payback time and stuff. To make things worse much more fun, a bunch of lovely cultist people decided this was the perfect time for humanity to go poof. A teensy little bit of mayhem ensued. The end. ➽ And the moral of this I Am Now Considering a Career in Human Spare Parts Trafficking Because Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler And Stuff Crappy Non Review (IANCaCiHSPTBSSSaSCNR™) is: thou shalt should never let a misplaced kidney get in the way of thine homicidal professional activities. No, thou shalt not. • Book 1: Monster Hunter International ★★★★ • Book 3: Monster Hunter Alpha ★★★ • Book 3.5 (short story): A Halloween Public Service Announcement from MHI ★★★★ • Book 4: Monster Hunter Legion - to be read. • Book 1: Monster Hunter International ★★★★ • Book 2: Monster Hunter Vendetta ★★★★ • Book 3: Monster Hunter Alpha ★★★ • Book 3.5 (short story): A Halloween Public Service Announcement from MHI ★★★★ • Book 4: Monster Hunter Legion ★★★★ • Book 4.5 (short story): Tanya: Princess of the Elves ★★★★ • Book 5: Monster Hunter Nemesis ★★★★ • Book 6: Monster Hunter Siege ★★★ • Book 7: Monster Hunter Guardian ★ [Pre-review nonsense] I finally found out what type of weird freak sort of lovely creature Agent Franks is!! And it's bloody shrimping awesome!! I think I may have found myself a new boyfriend to kidnap!!! Let's dance and stuff! Don't ask. ➽ Full Had I Read This Book Before Embarking Upon My Murderous Crustacean Breeding Career I Might Have Taken Up Gangsta Gnome Harvesting Instead Crappy Non Review (HIRTBBEUMMCBCIMHTUGGHICNR™) to come.