Lindsay C. Gibson

If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you may have lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment. You may recall your childhood as a time when your emotional needs were not met, when your feelings were dismissed, or when you took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent's behavior. These wounds can be healed, and you can move forward in your life. In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood. By freeing yourself from your parents' emotional immaturity, you can recover your true nature, control how you react to them, and avoid disappointment. Finally, you'll learn how to create positive, new relationships so you can build a better life. Discover the four types of difficult parents: The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory.

How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents (16pt Large Print Edition)

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Resulting in people pleasing mechanisms. 

Stephanie 

People who lacked emotional engagement in childhood, men and women alike, often can’t believe that someone would want to have a relationship with them just because of who they are. They believe that if they want closeness, they must play a role that always puts the other person first.

Or you decide to change the topic yourself because it’s too awkward and you feel like giving out information the other could use against you. 

Those who are more socially skilled might listen more politely, but you still won’t hold their interest. They may not overtly change the subject, but they won’t ask follow-up questions or express curiosity about the details of your experience. They’re more likely to bring the conversation to a close with a pleasant comment that effectively ends it, such as “That’s wonderful, dear. I know you had a good time.”

The loneliness of feeling unseen by others is as fundamental a pain as physical injury, but it doesn’t show on the outside. Emotional loneliness is a vague and private experience, not easy to see or describe. You might call it a feeling of emptiness or being alone in the world. Some people have called this feeling existential loneliness, but there’s nothing existential about it. 

If you feel it, it came from your family.

And even if you know that rationally, it doesn't stop you from trying harder next time.

When internalizing children have self-involved parents, they often think that being helpful and hiding their needs will win their parents’ love. Unfortunately, being counted on isn’t the same thing as being loved, and the emotional emptiness of this strategy eventually becomes apparent. [...] Children who try to be good enough to win their parents’ love have no way of knowing that 

unconditional love cannot be bought with conditional behavior

Parents may think their child is getting by just fine without much attention. Indeed, self-contained internalizers do seem to get by on less attention; but this doesn’t mean they can get by on emotional neglect.

Relatedness is different from relationship.

In relatedness, there’s communication but no goal of having a satisfying emotional exchange. You stay in contact, handle others as you need to, and have whatever interactions are tolerable without exceeding the limits that work for you. In contrast, engaging in a real relationship means being open and establishing emotional reciprocity.

This. Focus on what you can control instead of getting frustrated and disappointed trying to change the unchangeable.

You can’t force others to empathize or understand.

 The point is to feel good about yourself for engaging in what I call clear, intimate communication. Others may or may not respond how you want them to, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you expressed your true thoughts and feelings in a calm, clear way. That goal is achievable and within your control.

Can people please understand that and stop arguing with "But you had it all" only taking physical care into account? Thank you.

You can respect your parents for everything they’ve given you, but you don’t have to pretend they have no human frailties. 

Satisfying a child’s physical and financial needs is not the same as meeting that child’s emotional needs.

 For instance, if you needed someone to listen—to provide essential emotional connection—receiving money or a good education might distract you from that need, but it wouldn’t fill it.

Remember, your goodness as a person isn’t based on how much you give in relationships, and it isn’t selfish to set limits on people who keep on taking. 

Your job is to take care of yourself, regardless of what others think you should be doing for them.

It’s wonderful and validating to find someone who really listens.

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