R. S. Belcher

1870. Maude Stapleton, late of Golgotha, Nevada, is a respectable widow raising a daughter on her own. Few know that Maude belongs to an ancient order of assassins, the Daughters of Lilith, and is as well the great-great-great-great-granddaughter of Anne Bonney, the legendary female pirate. Leaving Golgotha in search of her daughter Constance, who has been taken from her, Maude travels to Charleston, South Carolina, only to find herself caught in the middle of a secret war between the Daughters of Lilith and their ancestral enemies, the monstrous Sons of Typhon. To save Constance, whose prophetic gifts are sought by both cults, Maude must follow in the footsteps of Anne Bonney as she embarks on a perilous voyage that will ultimately lead her to a lost city of bones in the heart of Africa—and the Father of All Monsters. One of the most popular characters from The Six-Gun Tarot and The Shotgun Arcana ventures beyond Golgotha on a boldly imaginative, globe-spanning adventure of her own!

The Queen of Swords

1720. Escaping the gallows, Anne Bonney, theinfamous pirate queen, sets sail in search of a fabulous treasure said to behiding in a lost city of bones somewhere in the heart of Africa. But what she finds is a destiny she never expected . . . . 1870. Maude Stapleton is a respectable widow raising a daughter on her own. Few know, however, that Maude belongs to anancient order of assassins, the Daughters of Lilith, and heir to the legacy of Anne Bonney, whose swashbuckling exploits blazed a trail that Maude must now follow—if she ever wants to see her kidnapped daughter again! Searching for her missing child, come hell or high water, Maude finds herself caught in the middle of a secret war between the Daughters of Lilith and their ancestral enemies, the monstrous Sons ofTyphon, inhuman creatures spawned by primordial darkness, she embarks on a perilous voyage that will ultimately lead her to the long-lost secret of Anne Bonney—and the Father of All Monsters. Oneof the most popular characters from The Six-Gun Tarot and The Shotgun Arcana now ventures beyond the Weird West on a boldly imaginative, globe-spanning adventure of her own! At the Publisher's request, this title is being sold without Digital Rights Management Software (DRM) applied.

Sarah Escorsa

💀 DNF at 63%.

⚠️ A little while here we should be. For a lot of crap fascinating stuff about this book I wish to say. Quite welcome you are.

Ah, what a delightful little Fantasy romp this could have been. 



You got that right, Bobby Dear. 

Why was this book such a disastrous debacle, you ask? Firstly first, because the author apparently couldn’t make up his mind and decide if he wanted to write (choose all that apply):

1)	A fantasy story.
2)	A courtroom drama.
3)	A pirate story.
4)	An exotically exotic stereotypical as fish vintage adventure in the mists of Africa.
5)	A would-be feminist pamphlet.

So he ended up doing the Buy 1 Get 4 Free Thingie (B1G4FT™), threw everything in there and tada! One Big Old Mess (BOM™) coming right up! Yay and stuff!

Secondly second, thirdly third and fourthly fourth, because all of this:

① 
  Good Intention, Inc (aka The Road to Hell We Paved, LLC)

There are two POVs in this book. Each with its own plotline. At the root of each plotline, an intolerant/prejudiced/bigoted/biased/partisan/whatever standpoint that the author obviously intends to invalidate/nullify/repeal/overturn/whatever. Which is quite laudable an initiative indeed. Only that this is what happened here:

 

Take the first POV, for example. It stands against the objectification, abuse, belittling and all other sort of delightful behaviors women might be submitted to. And aims to portray members of the weaker kick-ass sex as strong, independent and rational beings capable of thinking for themselves. Which is quite the novel idea, but Yay Material (YM™) nonetheless. (Half the previous sentence might or might not be slightly sarcastic, just so you know.) The problem is, said characters are such farfetched, extravagant, excessive embodiments the Super Extra Resourceful Ass Kicking Female with a Brain Concept (SERAKFwaB™) that they are not realistic at all, and end up being naught but ridiculously cartoonish creations. Thus killing the author’s commendable original intent deadly dead. So RIP and stuff.

The second POV is set in Africa. Which had me clicking my pincers with nefarious glee at first. Eurocentric plotline begone, we’re going down the titillatingly diverse route! Right. Sigh and stuff. This could have been gloriously glorious. Only that it wasn’t. Again, the author’s intent is honourable, as it is based on the idea that racism + slavery = evil, bad, villainous stuff. But. And this is a BIG BUT. If you’re going to write this kind of story, why the fish do you need to have a bloody shrimping WHITE woman save the day?! Are we not done with the white savior narrative crap yet? We’re not in the 20th century anymore, for shrimp’s sake! It’s one thing to watch a 1950s adventure movie set in Africa, and built on the premise that the poor, resourceless, savage natives would be doomed without the help of the (very) civilized bwanas. It’s another thing entirely to read about it in a 2017 book. 



You could say that, yes.

② 
  OTT Corp (aka Yeah You Know Me Co.) 

Yes, subtly magnifying a character’s traits or deftly intensifying the tension of a particular scene can give depth and complexity to a narrative. But take things too far and:

1) Your story turns into one big grotesque farce.
2) All the gravitas/impact/interest/whatever it might have had goes poof.
3) Your readers might quite possibly end up eyerolling their little selves to death. Maybe.

The characters’ behaviors and actions are so ridiculously over the top that the book, which seemingly intends to be a darkish adventure, ends up reading like a bloody shrimping spoof. Take the men involved in the pointless courtroom drama subplot, for example. They act in such a preposterously obnoxious way that all the scenes they are in inevitably turn into complete, absurd, outrageous travesties. Woo hoo and stuff.

And the women. Oh, the women. As I already mentioned up there ↑↑, they are naught but unbelievably cartoonish creatures. First we have Maude, our resident multi-tasking super heroine, aka the Swiss Army knife of female characters. She knows it all! From Matrix-style close combat (she’s a ninja!) to food home deliveries (don’t ask), poisons, being an utter idiot, acupuncture, handling a microscope, becoming invisible, being one of the most inconsistent characters ever, reading people’s minds… 



Yeah, pretty sure Maude can do that, too.

Then we have Anne, one of the most unlikeable characters ever Wannabe Pirate Queen Extraordinaire (WPQE™) and White Savior in her spare time. The author tried SO HARD to give her character ALL the attributes of a Super Extra Kick Ass Fearless Adventuress (SEKFA™), that he ended up turning her into one of the most unpleasant, absurd walking clichés ever. (You want to read about a bloody shrimping amazing pirate queen? Don’t waste your time with this book, my Little Barnacles. Read Queen of the Black Coast. You’re welcome and stuff.)

③ 
  Bad French PLC (aka Google Translate is My Hero Ultd.)

For fish’ sake, Authors Everywhere, if you’re going to include sentences in a foreign language in your book/story/narrative/whatever, make sure they BLOODY SHRIMPING MAKE SENSE, and are not something STRAIGHT OUT OF BLOODY FISHING GOOGLE TRANSLATE! Some lowly natives might be reading you and might find your sloppy carelessness slightly AGGRAVATING AS FISH, possibly a teensy little bit INSULTING, and probably quite a little very much DISRESPECTFUL. (Sorry, what? I seem to be a teensy little bit pissed off, you say? Now what could make you think that, I wonder? Apart from the BOLD ALL CAPS, I mean?)

Granted, this book isn’t as horrendous a case of Bad French as Phoenix Rising is, but it still has its despicably translated moments:

• “Je cherchais quelque chose d’amusant de me tuer.”
What does this mean, you ask ? How should I know, I’m French! 🙄

• “Mon belle erreur.”
My “beautiful mistake” indeed. This 1) is grammatically wrong—French 101: “belle” is feminine, and therefore should be preceded by “ma” not “mon”—and 2) doesn’t make any bloody shrimping sense in this context.

• “Interlude d’appel d’offres.”



• The Renée vs. René Situation. 
Sigh. Do I really have to explain this AGAIN? This is getting old, Authors Everywhere. Oh, and by the way, what the fish is this ridiculous obsession with this silly name anyway?! I mean, it was already outdated, antiquated and ancient (yes, all three) when my great-grandfather was naught but a wee shrimp, so imagine what it sounds like now. Positively mummified, I’d say. But anyhoo and stuff, I digress. So. Renée vs. René, take #24568. (This really is simple as fish, so please do try to get it into your little heads once and for all, Authors Everywhere.) Renée is FEMININE and therefore A WOMAN’S NAME. René (only one “e” at the end) is MASCULINE and therefore A MAN’S NAME. SO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SHRIMPY, DO NOT NAME YOUR MALE CHARACTER RENÉE! (Unless said character is gender fluid in which case you are most welcome to name them whatever the shrimp you please.) Thank thee kindly and stuff.

(I could also point out that “Belrose” as a last name sounds about as French as “Pérez” sounds Swedish, but I’m feeling uncharacteristically charitable today, so I won’t.) 



Glad you approve, You Epitome of Utter Frenchness.

Now add to all this ↑↑ manufactured drama, pointless descriptions galore, inconsistencies aplenty, Everything Simplistic™ and as much subtlety as a bunch of frenzied, murderous crustaceans on a homicidal streak, and you get your little self a real winner indeed.

➽ Nefarious Last Words (NLW™): This series could have been a wondrously original, lusciously mindblowing fantasy extravaganza. Only that it wasn’t. The end and stuff.

• Book 1: The Six-Gun Tarot ★★★
• Book 2: The Shotgun Arcana ★★★★



[Pre-review nonsense]

Skim skim skim, eyeroll eyeroll eyeroll, yawn yawn yawn, growl growl growl. Rinse, repeat. Ad infinitum and stuff.



Oh yeah, we sure got ourselves a bloody shrimping champ here.

Review to come and stuff.

The Queen of Swords

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