Orna Donath

This book is about women who have children that regret it. Donath treats regret as a feminist issue: as regret marks the road not taken, we need to consider whether alternative paths for women currently are blocked off. If we are disturbed by the idea that a woman might regret becoming a mother, our response should not be to shame these women; rather, we need to ask honest and difficult questions about how society pushes women into motherhood and why those who reconsider it are still seen as a danger to the status quo.

A Study

Regretting Motherhood

annalyse! 

“women are not only robbed of their private experience, they are also robbed of the vocabulary to talk about it” 

“there’s a very strong dichotomy between the messages you get from society and what you feel” 

“those who experience various, intersecting forms of marginalisation and oppression (within motherhood) might have more limited room to voice similar desires without being severely punished for them”

Cassie B

This should be considered compulsory reading for everyone.

Wenn Mütter bereuen

Vivian

Regretting Motherhood is an excellent book that centers on the experiences of women who regretted their decisions to become mothers. Sadly this topic is still a taboo, and I imagine most mothers wouldn't dare to express such sentiments to their best friends, even to their partners, in fear of being perceived as abnormal and cold-hearted. So I appreciate books like this that give voice to a very legitimate and in no small chance widespread feeling, that is invalidated and muted by societal orders. 

We grow up in a society that places a sacred role on birthing and raising children, and motherhood has been praised as "the most wonderful thing", and "mother" as a role is supposed to be naturally self-sacrificing and devoting. Under these circumstances, many women choose to have children out of their own desire as well as societal expectations. And some come to regret this decision later as they realize that even though they love their children as human beings, they don't want the role of motherhood and all the responsibilities and constraints that come with it. Orna Donath interviewed several such women and half of the book is what these women said during the interviews, so the contents felt very raw and authentic. 

The author made many intelligent and enlightening commentaries, and one that really struck a chord with me is that how motherhood and career are often presented as the only two options that exist for women, which obliterates the diversity of women' identities. "Whereas patriarchy might push women toward motherhood, capitalism pushes us to constantly progress in the spirit of the free market, creating once again a binary that leaves no room for women to consider themselves and be considered by others to be human beings with the ability to determine what is meaningful in their lives on their own."

At the end, the author calls for perceiving motherhood as a relationship instead of a role - "allows us to discard the expectation that all mothers have the same feelings about their children and about themselves as mothers. In doing so, we might better understand motherhood as part of a spectrum of human experiences and relationships, rather than a unilateral bond in which mothers influence their children’s lives without being affected by their own motherhood".

I think this book is a must read for mothers (so they may find comfort and solidarity in moments of ambivalence) and women without children (so they are getting into it clear-eyed, or getting reassured that opting-out is a legitimate alternative).

Women who opt not to be mothers are frequently warned that they will regret their decision later in life, yet we rarely talk about the possibility that the opposite might also be true—that women who have children might regret it. Drawing on years of research interviewing women from a variety of socioeconomic, educational, and professional backgrounds, sociologist Orna Donath treats regret as a feminist issue: as regret marks the road not taken, we need to consider whether alternative paths for women currently are blocked off. She asks that we pay attention to what is forbidden by rules governing motherhood, time, and emotion, including the cultural assumption that motherhood is a “natural” role for women—for the sake of all women, not just those who regret becoming mothers. If we are disturbed by the idea that a woman might regret becoming a mother, Donath says, our response should not be to silence and shame these women; rather, we need to ask honest and difficult questions about how society pushes women into motherhood and why those who reconsider it are still seen as a danger to the status quo. Groundbreaking, thoughtful, and provocative, this is an especially needed book in our current political climate, as women's reproductive rights continue to be at the forefront of national debates.

Regretting Motherhood A Study

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