Name: Rogues in the House
Rating: 4 (2 reviews)
ISBN: 9786561330435

Robert E. Howard

In "Rogues in the House" by Robert E. Howard, Conan the Barbarian allies with a fallen noble to overthrow a corrupt priest, Nabonidus. Within Nabonidus's fortified mansion, they navigate deadly traps, face monstrous creatures, and confront betrayal. The tale blends adventure, horror, and political intrigue, showcasing humanity's predatory nature.

Rogues in the House

Robert Ervin Howard (1906-1936) was an American pulp writer of fantasy, horror, historical adventure, boxing, western, and detective fiction. He is well known for having created the character Conan the Cimmerian, a literary icon whose pop-culture imprint can be compared to such icons as Tarzan of the Apes, Sherlock Holmes, and James Bond. Voracious reading, along with a natural talent for prose writing and the encouragement of teachers, conspired to create in Howard an interest in becoming a professional writer. One by one he discovered the authors that would influence his later work: Jack London and Rudyard Kipling. It's clear from Howard's earliest writings and the recollections of his friends that he suffered from severe depression from an early age. Friends recall him defending the act of suicide as a valid alternative as early as eighteen years old, while many of his stories and poems have a suicidal gloom and intensity that seem prescient in hindsight, describing such an end not as a tragedy but as a release from hell on earth.

Sarah Escorsa

My crappy non-review for The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian is imploding! I exhausted all my character allowance! So now I have to resort to crappily non-review all the stories in the collection separately! Go me and stuff!

Note to self: thou shalt not comment on the pathetically crappy book cover. No thou shalt not.

Bloody shrimping hell, who the fish comes up with the crappy covers for these stories anyway?! But hey, at least this one is not as boringly deathly as Xuthal of the Dusk so I guess I can’t complain and stuff. Right.



Sooooo, my Cimmerian Paramour is most definitely in top form here: within the first five paragraphs, he cuts off a priest’s head, gets drunk as fish, disembowels the captain of the local guards, finds himself bewildered and half-blinded, brought to the local super welcoming dungeon, and finally shackled to the wall “with chains not even his barbaric thews could break” (which is saying something, methinks. Although the fact that his senses were ever- so-slightly clouded by liquor at the time probably didn’t work in his favour and stuff). 

Anyway, while my Barbarian Sweetie Pie is so outrageously held captive by the lowly natives, a guy named Murilo pays him a, um, courtly visit, and promises to get him out of the super welcoming dungeon in exchange for the ruthless murder of a local villain a, um, courtly favour. (Murilo trusts that Conan’s wolfish instincts will help him succeed where many others 
  “died in hideous and nameless ways”
 failed before, you see.) Conan says “hey sure no problem, anything to get out of this dump and stuff!” and Murilo goes on his merry way. Only that life sucks and nothing works as intended, so my boyfriend ends up having to escape the dump by his own barbarian means. (Namely a beef-bone that Conan was gnawing on, and kinda sorta used to brain his jailer slightly dead and stuff. Oops.) 



Obviously.

Instead of getting the fish out of dodge, as any other Cimmerian in his not-so-right mind would have, my Barbarian Dumpling decides that, even though his pal Murilo has Pretty Pathetic Dungeon Break Skills (PPDBS™), he’s still a pretty cool guy who deserves to be helped assassination-wise. But first he’s got some personal business to attend to. It involves a kicking, half-naked, treacherous wench, just so you know. Who is slightly incoherent with terror, and keeps sobbing frantic pleas for mercy and stuff. Ha! That’ll teach her to betray my Sweetie Pie and stuff.

 

Man, would I love my Cimmerian Paramour to carry me around in such a gallant manner! The guy really knows how to show a girl the respect and consideration she deserves, if you ask me. (Given the look on her face, this chick here obviously fails to appreciate how lucky she is to be treated so chivalrously by my boyfriend. What a revoltingly ungrateful barnacle she is.)

Having most efficiently solved the Treacherous Lass Predicament (TLP™), Conan is finally off to give Murillo a savagely murderous helpful hand. Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler Stuff (S⁴) ensues, obviously. Said S⁴ involves severed hears (yum), were-thingies, scented hair (don’t ask), monstrous conjectures, Conan snarling and grunting and growling like there is no tomorrow (which is super sexey and stuff), abhorrent beast-men with huge yellow fangs, vulture-hearted plunderers (yay), Cimmerians who shall not be named steal and murder openly, bestial insanity, hysterias of fright, clouds of doom, madness and horror, brutish glee, convulsive shudders, lethal stools, dripping blood, and unexpected missiles that have nothing to do with mine, unfortunately. 

The end and stuff. 

➽ Nefarious Last Words (NLW™): VICTORY!!!!There ain’t no Squeeze of the Moment in this story! Which means I finally did it! I managed to get rid of all the Stupidly Stupid Girly Competition (SSGC™)! Conan is MINE MINE MINE! Go me and stuff!

· Introduction to the world: The Hyborian Age ★★★★
· Main review: The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian ★★★★
· Book 2: The Bloody Crown of Conan ★★★★
· Book 3: The Conquering Sword of Conan - to be read

Rogues in the House

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