Robert E. Howard

The Bloody Crown of Conan

Sarah Escorsa

Overall rating: 3.717384861533333 stars. More or less. 

The Adventures of My Barbarian Paramour, Vol. II! Let's do this and stuff!



Thrilled to see you’re as excited about this as I am, Cimmerian Cutie Pie Mine!

So there are only three stories in this collection. Which is a complete joke compared to The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian and its thirteen delicious Barbarian tales. More than a joke, it is quite the rip-off, if you ask me. Well, I guess it depends on one’s perspective and stuff. I mean, it’s a rip-off to me, but probably a blessing to you, my Little Barnacles, since it means you’ll only have to be put through three fascinating reviews instead of thirteen. So yay for you and stuff.

① 
  The People of the Black Circle
: 3.3536 stars and stuff.

I had a bloody shrimping not fun time trying to rate this one. I mean, it’s entertaining enough (my Barbarian Paramour is in it, so DUH and stuff), but it just isn’t as lusciously titillating as previous Conan stories I read. Yes, Howard’s writing is as Slightly Very Fantastic (SVF™) as ever, not to mention Evocative as Fish (EaF™), but there’s something missing here. After giving it much painful thought, I realized what it was: the story is simply not as wonderfully OTT as earlier Barbarian adventures. And that sucks big squid. (Also, Howard spends the first half of his narrative drowning the reader in Central Asian-sounding names, which 1) doesn’t add much to the story, 2) is kinda sorta not thrilling at all, and 3) is a little boring as shrimp.)

But. The Good Old Conan Basics (GOCB™) are still there, hence the not-so-crappy rating.

First and foremost, we have my Barbarian Paramour of the Ever Jovial Disposition (BPotEJD™):

  “You are Conan?”
“Who else? You sent word into the hills that you wished for me to come and parley with you. Well, by Crom, I’ve come! Keep away from that table or I’ll gut you.”
[…]
 “I’ll split your head like a ripe melon!”
Ah, such a sweetie, my boyfriend. He’s ever the gentleman with the ladies, too…

   “He spanked her resoundingly, and she, recognizing this as merely another expression of admiration, did not feel particularly outraged.”
 Said ladies, clearly being connoisseurs of all things Barbarian, know to appreciate Conan’s loving ministrations. And things get smutty faster than it takes to say “unleash the crustaceans!” when he really turns on the charm…

   “She closed her eyes and drank in his fierce, hot, lawless kisses with all the abandon of passionate thirst.”
 Such a hot, irresistible babe, my Cimmerian Cutie Pie. Well, okay, he can be “befogged and stupid” sometimes, but it’s usually temporary. Usually. 



Then again maybe not.

Then we have the Inevitable Babe of the Week (IBofW™). In this case, Yasmina, aka the resident wench Kshatriya, Princess of the Supple Figure. I don’t like her as much as previous IBofWs, to be honest. I think she might be a little too stable and reasonable for my taste. She only thinks of silly things like her kingdom and her peasants people and stuff, meaning she’s no bloody fun at all. Still, she’s good enough IBofW™ material. I suppose. I mean, she’s got the wild sobbing and uncontrollable screaming nailed. She even does the “throwing oneself bodily upon others” quite well. And she definitely gets bonus points for “beating her breast in anguish” (ouch). 



Something like that, yes. Only the breasts being beat upon are much more, um, generous and stuff.

Last, but bloody shrimping not least, we’ve got all those scrumpalicious little things that give all Conan stories that certain je ne sais quoi, that Super Extra Fluffy Quality (SEFQ) I’ve come to ever-so-slightly appreciate a little. You know, stuff like… 

Black ghastly magic, a bit of blackmail, conches that bellow like oxen in pain (don’t ask), a touch of friendly kidnapping, infernally queer stuff, wild embraces that turn into strangling fests (I told you not to ask), “frenzied crescendos of human ululation,” hot babes panting hard (and not only from exertion, either), skull splitting and decapitation galore, mockery and malignity, wicked little tingles, shuddersome horror, “terrible disembowelling thrusts,” bestial grins of agony, showers of blood (yay!), and villainously villainous villains with super extra handy hypnotic powers:

  “I have no more use for you. Kill yourself!”
Like a man in a trance the warrior thrust the butt of his spear against the base of the wall, and placed the keen head against his body, just below the ribs. Then slowly, stolidly, he leaned against it with all his weight, so that it transfixed his body and came out between his shoulders. Sliding down the shaft he lay still, the spear jutting above him its full length, like a horrible stalk growing out of his back.
 Nice trick, that! (Note to self: take a Mesmerizing 101 class. Might come in handy with seditious shrimps and stuff.) The villain reminds me a lot of myself, actually. Like me, the poor guy has to deal with measly, insignificant little humans day in day out, and our lord shrimp knows what pains they can be.

   “How can I explain my mystic reasons to your puny intellect?”
Yes! This! So much THIS! Finally, someone who understands me! Twinsies and stuff!



Sorry, what? My villainous companion and my little self don’t look nefarious at all here? Why, that’s exactly the point, my Lovely Arthropods. We aim to deceive the enemy and all that. What beautifully cunning little minds we have!

➽ Nefarious Last Words (NLW™): as one of the greatest philosophers who ever lived once said, “people who plot on roofs should remember to lower their voices.” And that, my Tiny Decapods, is 1) a scientifically proven fact and 2) the only piece of advice you will ever need. Because truer words were never spoken and all that. And also because I said so and stuff.



January 13, 2021: it was recently pointed out to me that my reviews for the Cimmerian Hottie's adventures tend to be a teensy little bit longer than said adventures themselves (pure defamation, I say!). I have therefore decided—in a most uncharacteristic show of utter thoughtfulness—to spare you, puny humans, and make the two following reviews Super Extra Short (SES™) and stuff. This has obviously nothing to do with the fact that a) I'm feeling lazy as shrimp to day and b) I don't want to risk exhausting Goodreads most miserable character allotment for reviews again (as may or may not have happened here). Quite welcome you are.



② 
  The Hour of the Dragon
: 3.432658 stars and stuff.

I was tempted to give this one a 5-star rating, but my Barbarian Paramour doesn't whack anyone with a beef bone at any point in the story, which is totally unacceptable and obviously explains my slightly revised rating. 

Okay, to be honest, the story itself is not exactly super yummy, which might also explain the crappy rating. First because it's looooonnnnnnnng. You'd think reading a full-length Cimmerian Cutie Pie novel would have me feeling kinda sorta...

 

And that's what I thought was going to happen when I started The Hour of the Dragon, too. I mean, at the beginning of the story, Conan has officially graduated to king status (I have such a mighty hot and powerful boyfriend), which makes him go up up up a notch or three on the scrumptiousness scale. But then, the idiot ends up paralyzed after seeing a pathetic mummy and gets himself kidnapped like a moron.

 

Tell me about it 🙄🙄.

Then a lot of blah-blah-blah happens. Yes, there are abominable sorceries, grim monstrosities, grisly man-eaters, skewers that come in handy (don't ask), and the Babe of the Week™ has the required supple/lithe/vibrant figure (not to mention the mandatory wisp of silk twisted about her loins), but it all feels kinda sorta meh for some reason. A good thing Conan's wild, passionate and untamed ways make up for all this revoltingly bland stuff:
  He caught her up in his iron arms, crushed her slim, vibrant figure to him and kissed her fiercely on eyes, cheeks, throat and lips, until she lay panting in his embrace; gusty and tempestuous as a storm-wind, even his love-making was violent.
That's my boy! Or rather, it would be my boy if he decided to tone down his moronic tendencies once in a while. I mean, even the most dimwitted of barnacles knows that doing stuff like tripping mid-leap because your foot got caught in the fold of a bloody curtain is not exactly the most (choose all that apply) cunning/bright/smooth/slick/skillful/sagacious move. Especially NOT when your name is Conan and you're supposed to be a bloody shrimping Barbarian baddass. (And a certain nefarious breeder of murderous crustacean's super hot boyfriend.)



Glad we agree on that one, Gustav dear.



③ 
  A Witch Shall Be Born
: 4.5658965846 stars and stuff.

Now we're talking! This story takes us right back to familiar Decidedly Yummilicious Barbarian Territory (DYBT™) and thank fish for that because I was beginning to think my Cimmerian Cute Pie no longer had what it takes to make my exoskeleton tingle all over and stuff.

So, what makes this one especially scrumptious, you ask? Well, the glorious violence and wondrous body count and exquisitetorture and delightful betrayal and enchanting retribution and most splendiddebauchery (infamous revelries, yay!) might have helped a tiny little bit. Maybe. There are also super fun crucifixion sessions which might or might not have inspired Monty Python.



Oh yeah, I can definitely see the similarities there.

Then we've got Salome, the wicked witch who might not be of the East but is really Quite Fabulously Villainous (QFV™) and Most Wonderfully Depraved (MWD™). 
  Lust and mystery sparkled in her scintillant eyes, cruelty lurked in the curl of her full red lips.
I am so in 💕lurve💕. There's a slight chance I might also be in 💕lurve💕 with Salome's marvelously malevolent partner-in-turpitude, Constantius of the Insatiable Lust and Ever Sardonic Tone, aka He Who Utterly Lacks All Characteristics Men Call Good 😍😍. (Weirdly enough, my Barbarian Paramour isn't very supportive of this newfound love of mine, and doesn't seem to be Constantius' biggest fan, either. That's just because he's jealous, if you ask me.)

But, if you want to know the honestly honest truth, it's not the bloodshed or perversion or unmitigated viciousness that really gave this lovely tale another dimension for me. It's not the Fabulous Villainous witch, either. Neither is it her magnificently vile consort. Most appallingly, nor is it my Cimmerian Toy Boy (shocking, I know). The honestly honest truth is that what made this story lusciously titillating for me is my newly acquired boyfriend Thaug, aka the Super Sexey Beast of the Lithe Limbs and Dazzling Smile.



Told you he was a sex pot.

Conan does NOT approve. Obviously.

👋 To be continued and stuff.

· Introduction to the world: The Hyborian Age ★★★★
· Book 1: The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian ★★★★
· Book 3: The Conquering Sword of Conan - to be read.

The Bloody Crown of Conan

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