Robert E. Howard

The Devil in Iron

Sarah Escorsa

Warning: it might be a slightly very good idea NOT to read this review thing, but rather the story it’s supposed to be about. Because there’s a very moderate chance the latter is a little much shorter and stuff. (view spoiler)[You’re welcome. (hide spoiler)]

So here we have my Barbarian Paramour playing steppes robber leading a merry bunch of fleeing criminals, broken men, escaped slaves and deserting soldiers well-intentioned kozaks, and causing the evil benevolent local overlord (aka He Who Laughs Sardonically) many a brain-splitting headache much blissful joy and cheerful glee. The guy (who’s actually called Jehungir, if you must know. No I didn’t say gesundheit, I said Jehungir *eyeroll*) loves my boyfriend so much that he decides to set a cunningly villainous trap host a party in his honor. Most charming of him, is it not? He even goes as far as forcing inviting one of his favorite slaves friends, Olivia of the Marvelous Contours (OotMC™), to play bait and lure Conan away from his camp the party so that she will keep Conan company and stuff. (He knows of Conan’s “keen relish for women and strong drink,” you see.) Now that’s what I call selfless generosity!

Olivia (aka The Dazzling Vision of Loveliness) and her substantial (if scantily clad) figure are obviously thrilled at the thought of 
  “playing trollop for a barbarian”
 entertaining my boyfriend. And who wouldn’t? He is a Super Extra Hot and Refined Steppe Robber (SEHRSR™) after all. Anyway, so everything is set up beautifully and then we’re going to fast forward a little bit otherwise we’ll still be here next year Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler Stuff (S⁴) happens.



The Dazzling Vision of Loveliness, being slightly rebellious bored and stuff, decides to escape the shrimp out of this dump leave the party prematurely, so my Cimmerian Sweetie Pie very logically takes his “razor-edged faculties and savage wit” and sets off to rescue search for her. (He didn’t have the time to ask her on a date before she left the party, you see.) More S⁴ happens, and Conan suddenly finds himself confronted to “impossible negations of insanity.” (Yay!) There are ruins that were but are no more then again maybe not and/or vice-versa (view spoiler)[perhaps (hide spoiler)], and yucky green stuff everywhere (the local cleaning crew must be on strike or something, methinks).

Then a 95% naked lightly clothed Chick of the Supple Limbs and Smooth Bosom (CotSLaSB™) appears out of nowhere and starts shamelessly coming on to my boyfriend. Which is slightly outrageous, if you ask me.
  “You are no dream. You are strong. Let us live while we can. Love me!”
Whoa whoa whoa there, CotSLaSB™! Hands off my Barbarian Dumpling! Being high as a barnacle on top quality acid is no excuse and stuff, so back the fish off and stuff or else…



Okay, so after this delightful diversion, Conan is off to investigate further, and suddenly it’s all instinctive repulsion, horror, revulsion and fear (aka Good Times). Then he finds himself ensorcelled by a terrifying, belling resonance (aka More Good Times): 
  “His reason staggered. All certainty and sanity were swept away, leaving a shadowy universe through which stole hooded figures of grisly potentialities.”
(Woo-hoo! Party time and stuff.)

Luckily enough, an unknown chick in distress (who might or might not be The Dazzling Vision of Loveliness) starts sobbing hysterically in a most womanly fashion, thus causing my boyfriend to quite miraculously shake off the ensorcellation and stuff. And everything is fine and dandy ever after. Well. More or less. I mean, you kinda sorta know everything is not exactly fine and dandy when part-time zombies start popping out everywhere, a nefarious dude who has a thing for crying out “like the dirging of a great bell” (pretty sure there’s a pill for that) shows up, and Conan’s shoulder-length hair begins to lift on his scalp.



Such a hot babe, my Barbarian!

Ensues a “fierce writhing and intertwining of limbs and bodies” (not the fun kind), after which my boyfriend experiences the “ultimate madness of blasphemed nature” (this is much more entertaining than going to Disneyland, methinks). But he is not that easily impressed, and quickly decides to throw one of his unexpected missiles at his foe. This doesn’t work as well here as it did in previous adventures, though, and he has to resort to using tapestries as lethal weapons (because he’s resourceful like that). Then more S⁴ happens, and low and behold, who do we have here?! None other than Olivia of the Marvelous Contours! Yay and stuff! Well almost yay and stuff because then there’s some desperation and a delicious sense of impending doom, but my boyfriend starts waving his scimitar around for a bit, goes all “grim peril begone and stuff!” and…



My Cimmerian Paramour becomes his exuberant self again, “laughs with undiminished zest,” drinks the nectar of The Dazzling Vision of Loveliness’ lips with all his unrestrained passion, laughs again, makes a Super Witty Barbarian Comeback (SWBC™) or two, laughs again (he’s such a jovial sort, my Conan!), and finally goes on his merry scrumptiously savage way with Olivia (aka the Newly Anointed Squeeze of the Moment) and stuff.

The end and stuff.



[Pre-review nonsense]

Now that's what I call a Most Fitting Conan Cover (MFCC™)! My loincloth-obsessed Cimmerian Paramour hacking at a wild, savage (and hopefully evil) beast with his scimitar, while a Scantily Clad Hot Babe Damsel in Distress of the Supple Lithe Limbs (SCHBDiDotSLL™) lies wantonly nonchalantly at his feet! None of that Xuthal of the Dusk or Rogues in the House Boringly Boring Crappiness (B²C™) to be had here! So yay and stuff! Let's celebrate and stuff!



Full review to come and stuff.

· Introduction to the world: The Hyborian Age ★★★★
· Main review: The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian ★★★★
· Book 2: The Bloody Crown of Conan ★★★★
· Book 3: The Conquering Sword of Conan - to be read

The Devil in Iron

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