Roger Zelazny

The Road, a route from the past to the far future built by the Dragons of Bel'kwinith, waits for anyone who knows where to find it. By the author of A Night in the Lonesome October. Reissue.

Roadmarks

Sarah Sammis

Combine the walking through shadows of the Amber series with the history of the world stretching into infinity like Farmer's River World series and through in some dragons (just 'cause) and you get Roadmarks.

There are parallel stories each playing out one chapter at a time. They are labeled: Two and One. Chapters Two follow Red and Chapters One follow Randy and how these two stories relate to each other is the main crux of the book.

The book is only 187 pages, so a quick read, though one might need time to mull the chapters early on. I have to admit that I cheated and read all the Chapters Two first and then went back and read all of the Chapters One. I'm finding that I don't always like reading a book linearly and that it's not always important to read from page one all the way through to the end. Sometimes it works to skip around.

Sarah Escorsa

Actual rating: 3.3999999 stars.

🎓 A Soon to Be Seasoned Newbs Zelaznian Buddy Read (StBSNZBR™) with Evgeny, aka the Malevolent Instigator and Cunning Culprit (MIaCC™), Choko, aka My Dearest of Wives (MDoW™) and Tadiana, aka the Stealthy Buddy Reader (SBR™) 🎓

I am currently feeling a little uninspired, a teensy little bit sluggish, a tad lethargic, and kinda sorta narcoleptic, too. Don't say I didn't warn you and stuff.

What do the Marquis de Sade, a Road, a Tyrannosaurus rex, Babylon, The Flowers of Evil, a killing machine, Leaves of Grass, touchy AIs, dragons and the Battle of Marathon have in common? Me Nothing. Except this book, that is. Except Roger Zelazny, that is. Not sure what the guy smoked when he wrote his books, but it must have been high quality stuff. I've only read three of his novels so far, but let me tell you, my Little Barnacles, Sci-Fi/Fantasy doesn't get much more creative and imaginative than this. Much like my other Wacky God Tom Holt, Zelazny's books might be hit or miss, but the unpredictably eccentric is always strong in his stories. And that is quite glorious indeed, if you ask me. You know what that means, don't you? Yep, that's right, time to dance and stuff!



I'm the hot-looking, hips suavely-swaying, blue leotard-wearing babe in the center, in case you were wondering.

You know what is really scrumptious? Zelazny is deliciously evil. He likes nothing better than to befuddle, bemuse, confuse, and generally mystify his poor readers. And to make them feel like complete morons. Which makes me think he must be related to Glen Cook somehow. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's God Cook's third cousin thrice removed or something. But anyway. Zelazny, being the Machiavellian schemer that he is, developed a Cunningly Devious Stratagem (CDS™) to keep his readership's decaying grey cells on their toes and stuff (what? You didn't know grey cells had toes? You really are abysmally clueless, my Tiny Decapods). It usually goes something like this:

1. Take a bunch of seemingly unrelated events and characters.
2. Throw them in a nuclear explosion-proof shaker (don't ask).
3. Hand said shaker over to a rabid barnacle in heat (this is important) to ensure maximum agitation.
4. Randomly empty the contents of the shaker in a Magic Story-Holding Device (MSHD™). The technical term for said device might be "book," but I'm not sure.
5. Gleefully watch your readership get most beautifully puzzled, perplexed and baffled.
6. Exclaim "Tada! Mission accomplished! And stuff!" 



Sooooooo, Roadmarks. Let's see, what do we have here? A Road. I kid you not. I bet this comes as a huge surprise to you, and that you would never have guessed it based on the title of the book alone. But anyway. So there's a Road. And there are exits. The Road, being a Road and not a road, enables you to travel through time. And to change, um, you know, stuff. Want to visit my Neolithic (if slightly nefarious) ancestors in the Marianas Trench? Sure, no problem, you can do that. Just don't forget to pack your diving mask and snorkel and cement shoes (to ensure maximum buoyancy). Want to go all Girl Power Chicks Rule and Stuff (GPCRaS™) on Henry VIII and chop his little head off, just to see how he likes it? Feel free. Just don't forget to let me know when you do it. I have a rarely used guillotine in storage and have been wanting to test it on a misogynist scumbag for ages. Oh, one thing before you go on the Off With His Lovely Little Head Field Trip (HWHLLHFT™): the Road exits change when History is altered, so try not to get lost and stuff. It would be most inconvenient. Then again maybe not. Anyway, that Road thing is pretty awesome. And, needless to say, I have put a few villainous plans in motion as soon as I learned of its existence. The crustaceans' exoskeletons are positively pulsating in anticipation. You, however, might want to shudder in fear at the thought of what I might have in store for puny humans.



Yes, the name in question is mine. Duh and stuff.

Sorry, what? You're wondering what the fish this story is about? How would I know? It's not like I read the book or anything. Anyway, since I'm feeling uncharacteristically generous and compassionate and stuff today, I had a quick look at other—more informative, but revoltingly shrimpless—reviews and here is what I found out: so there's the Road, and there's a guy called Red. There's also a chick called Leila. And another one named Strangulana, who sounded deliriously delicious but was only around for a few paragraphs which sucks and is a total rip off and I am the reviewer who mentioned this is not amused and stuff. The story alternates between chapters One and Two. There are books (not this one. Not that I know of, anyway. But I could be wrong. Or not) that masquerade as AIs. Or is it AIs that masquerade as books? I forgot. One thing is sure, they are easily pissed off. The books, not the IAs, I mean. Then again it might be the IAs, not the books. Or vice versa. Or not. Follow me so far?



You look a little confused. Or did you eat something that didn't sit right with you?

There is also a bunch of assassins who are, you know, trying to assassinate someone and stuff. There are no chapter ten or fifty-eight or twenty thousand and half, by the way. Just, you know chapters One and Two. And I was told those who cherish their sanity should not to inquire about this, just so you know. There's a guy called Randy. Oh, and it seems Red (not Randy) is looking for something. Don't ask me what it is because I have the reviewer who mentioned it has no bloody shrimping idea. And neither does Randy Red. There are fantastically sophisticated death machines. Oh, and Leila is also looking for something, by the way. No bloody stinking fishing idea what it is, either. Because what would be the fun in that? There is stuff about my—very distant—cousin Rasputin (I inherited my beard from his side of the family). And stuff about extrudable claws that come in very handy when trying to disembowel a man with a single swipe. The shrimps were slightly ecstatic when they heard about that, obviously.



That's kids for you. Sigh and smh and stuff.

That's pretty much all I could extract from other reviews. Doesn't make much sense does it? To think the people I stole this stuff from call themselves "reviewers." They really have no shame, if you ask me. I'm fairly certain I would have done a much better job of recapping the story, had I read the book. But I didn't, so I didn't.

Now you might wonder why (sorry, what? Am I nearly finished, you ask? Yes, I am almost done, you impatient flock of rude, pesky arthropods). Where were we? Oh yes, you were about to wonder why I didn't give this book I didn't read a higher rating. That's because a) it is delightfully disjointed and bloody shrimping original and stuff, but it wasn't as fantabuliciously wacky and nonsensical and hilarious as Doorways in the Sand, b) the ending was a surprise but the Disappointing Meh Blah Oh That's That Then (DMBOTTT™) kind and c) there are no raisins in this story. QED and stuff.

➽ And the moral of this Soldier On the Zelazny Newbies Mercenaries Shall and Endeavor to Read Another Exotically Bewildering Tale of His They Most Assuredly Will Crappy Non Review (SOtZNMSaEtRAEBToHTMAWCNR™) is: don't ask me, I didn't read the book. Obviously.



[Pre-review nonsense]

Know how to rate this I do not. Like the book very much I did. Quite wondrous the premise is. But not quite as glorious as I expected the story proved to be. And kinda sorta disappointing the ending was. Now ponder over this most troubling experience I must. A deliriously painful ordeal undoubtedly this will be.



➽ Full Evgeny I Think I Read the Book Wrong Will You Pretty Please Unfriend Me Now I Obviously Deserve It and Stuff Crappy Non Review (EITIRtBWWYPPUMNIODIaSCNR™) to come.

Roadmarks

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