Rosemary Tonks

WITH A NEW INTRODUCTION BY STEWART LEE 'Should The Bloater be republished? Oh God, absolutely, it's fantastic' Stewart Lee Min works at the BBC as an audio engineer, where she is struggling to replicate the sound of a heartbeat. At home, other matters of the heart are making a mockery of life as Min knows it. Min has found herself the object of her lodger's affection. An internationally renowned opera singer she's nicknamed 'The Bloater', Min is disgusted and attracted to him in equal measure. But with a husband so invisible that she accidentally turns the lights off on him even when he's still in the room, Min can't quite bring herself to silence The Bloater's overtures. Vain, materialistic, yet surprisingly tender, The Bloater is a sparklingly ironic comedy of manners for all flirtatious gossips who love to hate and hate to love. PRAISE FOR THE BLOATER 'A wonderfully unromantic romantic comedy' Daily Telegraph 'Uncommonly good' Guardian 'It is the perfect aperitif, makes you feel warm and careless and much, much happier' The Times

The brilliantly original rediscovered classic comedy of manners

The Bloater

Sarah Christine Gill

Yes, it's true. I'm really glowing like Lucifer tonight, this black strapless bra actually fits me and is tartiness personified; l've a good mind to go out like this and crush London undertoot. I go on gilding myselt for another three-quarters of an hour, really boiling with daring. Is there anything I can't do? Just let me pass the wet scent-stopper up the inside of my arm…annoying, l'm getting flushed with victory and it always coarsens my skin. I try to think cold, calmn thoughts, and do it easily. Good heavens, how worldly I am! I'm so well finished, I feel as though I've been dipped in some sort of classical French ennui and crisped betore serving. 

It's the Saturday after the Bloater's trap and I'm still raging about the house and going through imaginary scenes with him. I've decided to be polite and nasty and ask for food in both the intervals. No doubt the B. intends to melt me with music and hard liquor so that I end the evening like human mashed potato, all ready to be scooped into his arms. 

I do see that people with a gift for the obvious tend to win in life. Well, I'll soon put that right. Here's a dirty old envelope, just the thing to write him a note on. I write: I say, Carlos, could I have chicken breast salad, thin brown bread and butter and some nice Alsatian wine in the first interval, and in the second real fruit salad with real cream, petits fours and Turkish coffee?' That ought to take up the slack in his mind and empty his wallet. Then I can stump about the opera house with my gouty foot, so seductive. 

The path is lined with boys fishing. The water is just as it should be, full of moods. Down at the edge here it's a transparent brown sugar aquarium with fudge-coated leaves at the bottom. Over there, it's impenetrable, white, glossy, and the fishing lines go into it at an angle and disappear. The smell of freshwater is so new.

The Bloater quotes

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