Name: Just by Looking at Him
ISBN: 9781982178581

Ryan O'Connell

A Novel

Just by Looking at Him

Lindsay

Besides, they say in a relationship one is the garden and the other is the gardener and, well, gardening is a hard thing to do when you’re disabled.

How strange that we can saw off certain parts of ourselves, so we remain confident in one area, an area that is challenging for others, only to feel completely hopeless in another.

But there are times I would trade it in for another chance to sit on a friend’s porch for five hours, drinking boxed wine and recapping last night’s shenanigans— which is silly because you spent the whole evening together, and the only reason you did anything crazy was so you’d have something to talk about the next day, on the porch with the same people, before going out and doing it all over again.

Because apparently, you can’t charge experiences to the Life credit card forever. Eventually you pay or perish. I respect people who don’t buy the insurance, who don’t get the partner, the kids, the job, which to me are flimsy shields against the inevitability of death. It’s to make sure when you’re eighty and shitting your pants, someone will be there to change your adult diapers. They have no choice. You gave them life and in return they have to give you an easier death.

Did a black trans woman really throw the first brick at Stonewall so cis white gays could eat $ 26 eggs Benedict as they unpacked the new Robyn album?

I used to be satisfied with this. I used to not need more than a boy who brings me water. I don’t know if I should be mad at myself for suddenly wanting more or mad at myself for having been okay with less.

At some point, you have to make a choice to live inside your body.

I’m critical of Cindy and Ethan because I see the parts of myself in them that I’m trying to extract and destroy, the parts that are trying to please a world that will never love me back. In an ideal world, we would be allies, not enemies, but our world isn’t ideal. It’s a cishet hellscape and us minorities are all competing against each other, vying for that one seat at the table.

So many discussions around relationships feel binary. You’re either struggling or you’re not. You’re either content or you’re miserable. These narratives are easier to follow and allow us to think, Well, if X isn’t happening, then we’re okay. The truth is much more complicated and terrifying. You could love someone and want to lose them at the same time.

The ritual of prettying yourself up only to end the night with jizz on your face.

But part of being in a relationship is acknowledging that people find you attractive for reasons you will never understand.

“It wasn’t like there was one incident. I mean, we’d been together for ten years, and when you’re with someone that long, you’re going to both change, and you just have to hope and pray that the changes complement each other and happen around the same time. But sometimes they don’t. I’d talk to people who’d been in long relationships, and they’d say there’s bad years, and it’s like, ‘Bad years? Are you fucking kidding me? I can’t handle a day.’ But it was true.”

But the ultimate irony of being insecure is that you’re consumed with your least favorite subject: yourself.

I’m learning the more you want things, the more likely you end up with nothing.

Is that why people stay in relationships? Just so they can have someone to tell their stories to, someone who cares if they got home dead or alive, someone who’s thinking of them first thing in the morning and last at night?

I’m not asking as a judgment. It makes complete sense.

“Babe, that was forever ago. Try harder.” But then I remembered that straight people have no culture and rely on viral Netflix docs to fill the gaps in their personality.

How about I’m just an alcoholic ruled by emotional and physical cravings, and it’s exhausting to go through life white- knuckling it, so why don’t I just make it easier by letting myself become a full- blown drunk?

So why would I want to have a catch- up lunch? Why would I settle for a watered- down relationship when I once had everything? It’d be like a sad diffusion line.

𓆨

the amount of disappointment i'm feeling right now..

gets a bit boring at first, but kinda grows on you. lots of character development which i love love love.

alexa xanadu

adorable book. i gotta say i’m not a big fan of comedy but listening to the audiobook made it SO so so so so enjoyable. feels  autobiographical but idk. super complex n fun

Just by Looking at Him A Novel

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