Maynard James Keenan

Sarah Jensen

An "authorized biography of musician and vintner Maynard James Keenan"--Amazon.com.

A Perfect Union of Contrary Things

Kristen Claiborn

The only reason this book got two stars from me is because I managed to finish it, otherwise it’s a hot mess. I struggled with even wanting to write a review for this one because I really didn’t like it…ANY of it. I was never a fan of Tool, after hearing one song I was immediately turned off, and I knew absolutely nothing about the man behind the voice. Hell, I didn’t even know his name prior to picking up this book. I almost bowed out of writing this simply because I don’t think I can do it politely, but my husband says I don’t have to be polite, so here we go. 
	Keenan mentions repeatedly how his discontent affected his life, but upon learning about his life, it’s hard to determine where that discontent originated from. His early years were spent with his mother, but she became ill, so Keenan was sent to live with his father and stepmother. There isn’t much reflection on how deeply he was affected by his mother’s illness, and even less on how he was treated by his father and stepmother. I was expecting tales of abuse or neglect, but none of that appeared to have happened. Indifference towards him, maybe, but even that isn’t very clear. A lot of effort was put into writing about how well-received and well-loved he was by everybody he encountered at school. His teachers loved him, his coaches loved him, his classmates loved. He claims to have been hailed as the most natural athlete and leader seen at his high school. One teacher was even quoted as saying he was very comfortable to be with, which seems unlikely. Not because he wasn’t comfortable to be with, but that a teacher would ever say that, even years later. It was that particular quote that led me to believe that a lot of this book is, shall we say, fabricated? Maybe embellished would be a better word. 
	Not only is Keenen the best athlete and student ever, he apparently had the highest ASVAB score ever seen, which allowed to join the military and be picky about what he wanted to do. Turns out he didn’t want to be in the military, he wanted to go to art school…except even that wasn’t what he wanted to do. After leaving the military, he decided to paint himself as a societal outcast and return to his hometown, only to be angry that he was then treated as a societal outcast. Finding himself frustrated with art school, he took himself to LA to live out everybody’s dream of being a starving (and whiny) artist. In LA, he found himself rubbing shoulders with talented musicians, and after fiddling around with his own musical “talents”, he finally opted on a direction…and along the way taught the lead guitarist of Rage Against the Machine how to optimally play the guitar (again, seems far-fetched at best). From there, his musical career blossomed and Tool became a thing. 
	No need to say anything about Tool. 
	The last part that genuinely baffled me was his decision to move to Arizona and start a vineyard. At some point he mentioned that his lone vineyard would be the one reason Arizona’s economy would flourish…you know, because Sedona and Scottsdale haven’t been a playground for the well-off for decades. Arizona’s economy wouldn’t survive without him, he was there to save the day. His heavily inflated view of his self-importance shined through, a beacon of narcissism. The perfect example of a…tool… 
	The writing was rudimentary, combining simple elements with unnecessarily huge words. There’s only so many $20 words needed, and this author used them all…frequently, making it seem like she was trying to appeal to the “intellectual,” yet failing to be as eloquent as she was striving for. In the end, she came across as a member of the Keenan cult. There was very little redeeming about Keenan…or this book.

A Perfect Union of Contrary Things

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