Meghan Daum

This collection of essays from sixteen acclaimed writers, including Lionel Shriver, Sigrid Nunez, Kate Christiensen, Elliott Holt, Geoff Dyer and Tim Kreider, describe their reasons for not wanting to have kids and discuss the overwhelming cultural pressure of parenthood in modern society.

Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids

Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed

Amy Thibodeau

"I wish that we had more conversations about childlessness that didn’t force us to approach them from such a defensive place."

I found this book mostly refreshing, save for the essay by Lionel Shriver, which struck me as bonkers with its focus on what seemed to me about the pressure to pass on good, European genes. I'm a woman, in my 30s and I never want to have children. Though I personally haven't experienced a lot of the pressure some of the authors in this book have, I wish the default assumption wasn't that people should have kids. 

As a professional woman, I feel like much of the writing about "having it all" presupposes children. A lot of the work/life balance conversations are about balancing children. I'm concerned with having it all and work/life balance, but there isn't a lot of acknowledgment or support for someone like me. 

What I'd love to see happen, and what this book begins to do, is change the base assumption about having children. It's an option, and a great one for many people. But it is only one of myriad life choices. Instead of being seen as the default position, I wish we could all just make the life choices that are right for each of us with less assumptions. 

To end, here's a quote from Beyond Beyond Motherhood by Jeanne Safer: 

"Real self-acceptance, real liberation, involves acknowledging limitations, not grandiosely denying them. It is true, and should be recognized, that women can be fulfilled with or without children, that you can most definitely have enough without having everything. How fortunate we are to live in an era when we can make deeply considered choices about which life suits us, and that now the world looks slightly less askance if we go against the flow."

More of my favorite bits here: http://www.amythibodeau.com/blog/2015...

Andrada D

This could be read as the Bible for all the self-declared childless individuals, men or women. My story is not different from that of these many essayists, except that I don't have yet the age necessary to look backwards and reflect on my childless life. 

I am living with this decision through my ripest years. A child in my arms would seem perfect at the moment for everyone around me. Except for me. I am a classic case. The girl who wanted in her teenage years to have the perfect family, the house, the dog on the porch. As through my best years I lived separated from my only sister, I wanted three of them. In this way no alliances could be formed, no grudges held forever- one of them had to be the more mellow character meant to reconcile the others. I had it all figured out. I was such an idealist. It's almost sad, looking at it now. As I am now trying my best to make end meets, living in a rented apartment with a job I truly like but which is never ever safe, one year to another, children have no place in my life. 

And this is the issue I had with this book: it reduced the choice to a strictly personal one, and not a socially difficult one. But, in my country at least, raising a child is extremely problematic. There is not enough child support offered by the state, the schools are deficient, the kindergartens insufficient, the wages not high enough to cover for all the expenses. Choosing to have a child for the next ten years would ruin me, bring me to bankruptcy, leave me in the deficient care of the state who would leave me on the brink of poverty and not care about my child at all. And this indifference towards the young mothers is counteracted by a handful of extremely vocal religious extremists who advocate a no abortion, no sexual protection policy. Three children per capita- my former ideal number- is requisite.

To this is added my position which involves working with children, where the pressure to reproduce is constant. Parents inquire upon my family, their progenies do just the same. Contrary to my expectations, I am quite good at working with them- children like me quite a lot and I am feeling more and more confident amongst them. Being in their midst, seeing a few gifted individuals, I am imagining a life where I give birth to such a magnificent creature I would be proud of. But then I see myriad others who seem to be going wrong, despite the best efforts of their parents. I read last year the account of Sue Klebold, the mother of one of the assassins at Columbine, and what struck me was her impossibility in discovering how things went wrong. Nobody knew. What if this is how it would go as well? I was terrified and more resolute in my decision than ever. 

I can't exclude my fear of the pregnancy itself, the idea of myself as a mighty vessel, the morning sickness, the number of tests, the excruciating pain of getting birth, the number of mothers still dying in childbirth. Is it selfish not to want any of this?

Interesting enough, I am more decided this is the right path and I won't change my mind. Once upon a time, one of my roommates, a licensed psychologist kept pestering me it is virtually impossible for me to never have children, as the mother instinct will eventually kick in. Now I hope none of her patients ever come to inquire her upon the manner in which they should deal with this struggle. My instinct is still dead as a doornail. My fantasies of the three children now seem a distant projection of a social aspiration which was never mine. 

The pressure is still there- whenever I get asked about my future motherhood plans I try to evade the question with an ambiguous "soon!" which is as close to never as it could possibly be. I still hope that, as I age, I will gain the courage not to declare myself as part of the privileged, pitiable non-mothers who did their best to fulfil their role but, despite their best efforts, weren't able to. I don't want to claim adherence to their club, as it would be hypocritical and ridiculously untruthful. 

I want to be brave enough to accept myself as selfish, shallow and self-absorbed and this book is the perfect start for me to start understanding the doctrine, to start accepting childlessness as more widespread and normal than the mothers make it seem and just try to lead the best possible life, with no children whatsoever.

Olga V

Eva Ströberg

Zsofia Müller 

Vivian

Kali Olson

Alina

Sixteen literary luminaries on the controversial subject of being childless by choice, in this critically acclaimed, bestselling anthology One of the most provocative and talked-about books of the year, Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed is the stunning collection exploring one of society’s most vexing taboos. One of the main topics of cultural conversation during the last decade was the supposed “fertility crisis,” and whether modern women could figure out a way to have it all—a successful career and the required 2.3 children—before their biological clocks stopped ticking. Now, however, the conversation has turned to whether it’s necessary to have it all (see Anne-Marie Slaughter) or, perhaps more controversial, whether children are really a requirement for a fulfilling life. In this exciting and controversial collection of essays, curated by writer Meghan Daum, thirteen acclaimed female writers explain why they have chosen to eschew motherhood. Contributors include Lionel Shriver, Sigrid Nunez, Kate Christensen, Elliott Holt, Geoff Dyer, and Tim Kreider, among others, who will give a unique perspective on the overwhelming cultural pressure of parenthood. This collection makes a smart and passionate case for why parenthood is not the only path to a happy, productive life, and takes our parent-centric, kid-fixated, baby-bump-patrolling culture to task in the process. In this book, that shadowy faction known as the childless-by-choice comes out into the light.

Cola

Leslie Stinson

Sam Spott

SIXTEEN LITERARY LUMINARIES ON THE CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECT OF BEING CHILDLESS BY CHOICE, COLLECTED IN ONE FASCINATING ANTHOLOGY One of the main topics of cultural conversation during the last decade was the supposed "fertility crisis," and whether modern women could figure out a way to have it all-a successful, demanding career and the required 2.3 children-before their biological clock stopped ticking. Now, however, conversation has turned to whether it's necessary to have it all (see Anne-Marie Slaughter) or, perhaps more controversial, whether children are really a requirement for a fulfilling life. The idea that some women and men prefer not to have children is often met with sharp criticism and incredulity by the public and mainstream media. In this provocative and controversial collection of essays, curated by writer Meghan Daum, sixteen acclaimed writers explain why they have chosen to eschew parenthood. Contributors include Lionel Shriver, Sigrid Nunez, Kate Christiensen, Elliott Holt, Geoff Dyer, and Tim Kreider, among others, who will give a unique perspective on the overwhelming cultural pressure of parenthood. Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed makes a thoughtful and passionate case for why parenthood is not the only path in life, taking our parent-centric, kid-fixated, baby-bump-patrolling culture to task in the process. What emerges is a more nuanced, diverse view of what it means to live a full, satisfying life.

Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids

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