SenLinYu

In this riveting dark fantasy debut, a woman with missing memories fights to survive a war-torn world of necromancy and alchemy—and the man tasked with unearthing the deepest secrets of her past.

Alchemised

Sophia

She wanted to commit everything to memory, the way he felt under her hands and against her skin, as if sufficient detail could make this secret thing real enough to endure; as if she could write it into the universe so deeply that even war could not erase it.

“This was ours…” She swallowed, blinking hard. “They took it from us, but it was ours.”

“I never get to choose you. I’m so tired of not getting to choose you.”

“Don’t die, Marino. I might miss you.”

She couldn’t fix herself anymore, and no one else seemed inclined to even notice she was breaking.

“Oh Marino. If I'd known what pain you'd cause me, I never would have taken you. But at this point I suppose I deserve to burn. I wonder if you'll burn, too.”

“The first promise I made to you was that I’d be yours for as long as I live. I’m keeping that one.”

“I’m sorry—I’m sorry—I’m so sorry for everything I did to you,” he said, his voice hoarse and broken. “I love you. You left, and I’d never told you.”

"You are not replaceable," he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. "You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people."

He’d loved her, even though he never expected them to be anything but doomed. He’d loved her all the same.

someday I am going to love him in a moment that isn't stolen

“You’re like a rose in a graveyard,” he said, and his lips twisted into a bitter smile. “I wonder what you could have turned into without the war.”

This might be the saddest line so far😭 i'm sick

He rested his head against Amaris, and her wings fluttered. She turned her neck to nip at him.

"We'll go out together, won't we, old girl? Bennet's last two monsters."

The first part and magic system is confusing but if you stick with it, it’s so so so worth it!

It’s by no means an easy read, it’s shows the horrors of war without trying to glorify it

I loved how there was no simple good vs evil, the author lets you think for yourself. If you feel uncomfortable - you’re supposed to.

Ella Williams

My favourite read of 2025

wow… this book is insanely written 

The first part and magic system is confusing but if you stick with it, it’s so so so worth it!

It’s by no means an easy read, it’s shows the horrors of war without trying to glorify it

I loved how there was no simple good vs evil, the author lets you think for yourself. If you feel uncomfortable - you’re supposed to.

✨All she knew was that as long as those manacles remained locked in place, she wasn’t an alchemist at all.

✨It was the iron guild heir. Kaine Ferron.

✨“The war is over. What is it you think you’re protecting in that brain of yours?”

✨In a way, it was strangely poetic that it was Helena who’d been brought as a captive to Spirefell. She’d beaten Ferron before. If she was careful, and clever, she would do it again. ￼

✨He was so condescending, she wanted to throw a rock at him and was disappointed when she found nothing outside but little pieces of finely milled white gravel.

✨“Everyone who wins says they were good, but they’re the ones who tell the story. They get to choose how we’ll remember it. What if it’s never that simple?”

✨“I promised I’d do anything for you.” She curled her fingers into a fist. “Maybe you didn’t realise how far I was willing to go.”

✨When she climbed into her bed, she could still see Ferron’s shadow outside her door. Somehow, knowing it was his, the sight of it didn’t frighten her even though it should have.

✨“Those tablets really do a number on you.” “I feel like I can breathe again,” she said, wishing she could feel this calm without being frozen. “Like I’d been drowning so long, I’d forgotten what oxygen feels like.”

✨“Besides, if I didn’t leave you on the floor retching, you might make the mistake of thinking I care.” Helena inclined her head. “Yes. You seem strangely concerned about me thinking such a thing.”

✨“No one is going to steal your book,” he said as if he was trying very hard to be patient. He gestured around. “Who even would? If they do, I will buy you a new one. Leave it.”

✨“I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat. It is a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them.”

“You don’t have faith in the gods.” “Yes, I do,” she said quickly. “No. You don’t. You think you do because you think they probably exist, but that’s not faith. You don’t trust them.”

✨“I swear it, on the spirits of the five gods and my own soul, Kaine Ferron, I’m yours as long as I live.”

✨As he was regaining consciousness, she took his nearest hand, careful not to shift his shoulder as she started massaging the palm and worked slowly to his fingertips, knuckle by knuckle, her resonance seeking out every bit of tension and knotted muscles.

✨She couldn’t fix herself anymore, and no one else seemed inclined to even notice she was breaking.

✨“Stay,” he said softly, and his head dipped so close she felt his breath in her hair. “You know, there’s something about you, Marino, that inspires the most terrible decisions from me. I’ll know better, but then I’ll still…”

✨Instead of perpetually ice-sharp and guarded, he felt like something she might drown in.

✨“You’re going to regret this if I start crying.” She could already feel the alcohol in her face. “I get emotional when I’m drunk.” His eyebrows furrowed. “Is there a reason to cry?” She looked down, rubbing her thumb over the etched pattern on the decanter. “There’s always a reason.”

“You made me feel like the parts of me that aren’t useful still deserve to exist. Like I’m not just all the things I can do.”

✨But his eyes… She could tell—He was hers.

✨For the first time, Kaine Ferron was fully human to her. She’d slipped through his walls and peeled away the defensive layers of malice and cruelty, and found that there he carried a broken heart.

✨“After you nearly bled to death here, I thought, at least I can keep her alive. She deserves to have someone who cares enough to try to keep her alive. I thought eventually you’d give up. But you will do anything to save the people you feel responsible for. Of course you’d weaponise your guilt in order to use mine.” He gave a low bitter laugh. “I’m sure there’s something poetic in it all, but right now all I feel is a new set of manacles.”

✨He gripped her tighter. “You are not expendable. You don’t get to push everyone away so that they’ll feel comfortable using you and letting you die.”

“It’s not some sort of tragic self-condemnation to be expendable. It’s a strategic liability not to be.” She met his eyes. “That was why you picked me, remember?”

“Well, thanks to you, I’m worth less now. They added all these new healers after you asked for me. I had to train all my replacements.”

“You made me as expendable as I am now. And you didn’t even want me, either.”

“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. “You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.”

✨“I don’t want to always be alone,” she said. It was easier to be honest in the dark. “I want to love someone without feeling like if they know, it’ll end up hurting them. People who love me always die. No matter what I do, it’s never enough to save them. I have to love everyone from a distance, and I’m so lonely.”

“You don’t have to be alone,” he said.

“I don’t get to care about you.” Her chest clenched, fingers curling into fists. “If I care about you—I won’t be able to use you. And you’re the only hope I have of keeping everyone else alive.”

✨“I think I’ve nearly memorised you,” she said. “Especially your eyes. I think I learned to read them first.”

“I memorised yours, too,” he said after a moment, and then sighed, looking away. “I should have known—the moment I looked into your eyes, I should have known I would never win against you.”

✨He was exacting. Determined to prove to her that this was where she belonged, to ensure that she could never deny what he made her feel.

✨“You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”

She reached out, her fingers brushing back his hair. “Don’t worry. I’m always going to come back to you.”

✨“You’re wrong because I’m part of the universe,” she said. “A tiny piece, I admit, maybe never an important or mathematically significant one, but still a piece. You and I are not separate from it. No one is. It matters to me, everyone who’s died and everyone who will, and everyone who suffers. As long as I exist, I will always care. And that means that part of the universe does.” She smiled at him. “Doesn’t that make it all a little brighter?”

“I know most people won’t think I have. I’ve done things now that I don’t think I’m supposed to be forgiven for. But I want to be remembered as someone who tried at least.”

✨She missed Kaine. Whenever she thought of him, she felt as though a piece of her was missing.

✨“You’re mine. I’ll always come for you.” He always did.

✨“Being alive is not the same as living.

✨Apparently, Kaine had become her limit. She couldn’t imagine herself without him. She didn’t think she’d even exist anymore.

✨“Do you see my scars that way?” he finally said. “When you look at me, are they all you see?” She flinched. “No.” “Well.” He met her eyes. “I don’t see you that way, either. You’re mine.”

✨I love you. She told him in the way she let go of herself and held on to him instead. With every beat of her heart. I love you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you.

✨They’d found each other once, after all. With time, they could do it again.

✨“I love you. And I always will. Always.”

✨He kissed her like he was starving. As though he were trying to pour himself into her or consume her.

✨”I know you don’t want to believe it’s possible, because hoping terrifies you. But I would rather die trying to save you than live knowing there was a chance and I didn’t take it.” She could feel him wavering. “You promised we’d run away together,”

✨“We said always, didn’t we?” she asked, her voice strained. “Always. Well, if you don’t want that promise in full any longer, I’ll give it to you in increments.” She clutched his hand tighter. “Every day. I’ll choose you. That way you’ll know it’s still what I want.” She looked out towards the rising sea. “I’m sure there will be good days and bad days for us. Too much has happened to ever really put it behind us, but if you choose me, and I choose you, I think we’re strong enough to make it.”

✨I know you love Kaine, and he loves you, I don’t deny that. But I don’t think you realise how inhumanly cold he is to anyone who isn’t you or E. The rest of the world could burn and he wouldn’t care. I don’t think he’d even notice. Is this really what you want?” “I know what he’s like,” Helena said sharply. “It’s the reason you and I are alive.”

✨“Love isn’t as pretty or pure as people like to think. There’s a darkness in it sometimes. Kaine and I go hand in hand. I made him who he is. I knew what that array meant when I saved him. If he’s a monster, then I’m his creator.”

✨She survived the war but died during imprisonment prior to Liberation. She was a non-active member of the Order of the Eternal Flame and did not fight.😭

Mariaaa

✨All she knew was that as long as those manacles remained locked in place, she wasn’t an alchemist at all.

✨It was the iron guild heir. Kaine Ferron.

✨“The war is over. What is it you think you’re protecting in that brain of yours?”

✨In a way, it was strangely poetic that it was Helena who’d been brought as a captive to Spirefell. She’d beaten Ferron before. If she was careful, and clever, she would do it again. ￼

✨He was so condescending, she wanted to throw a rock at him and was disappointed when she found nothing outside but little pieces of finely milled white gravel.

✨“Everyone who wins says they were good, but they’re the ones who tell the story. They get to choose how we’ll remember it. What if it’s never that simple?”

✨“I promised I’d do anything for you.” She curled her fingers into a fist. “Maybe you didn’t realise how far I was willing to go.”

✨When she climbed into her bed, she could still see Ferron’s shadow outside her door. Somehow, knowing it was his, the sight of it didn’t frighten her even though it should have.

✨“Those tablets really do a number on you.” “I feel like I can breathe again,” she said, wishing she could feel this calm without being frozen. “Like I’d been drowning so long, I’d forgotten what oxygen feels like.”

✨“Besides, if I didn’t leave you on the floor retching, you might make the mistake of thinking I care.” Helena inclined her head. “Yes. You seem strangely concerned about me thinking such a thing.”

✨“No one is going to steal your book,” he said as if he was trying very hard to be patient. He gestured around. “Who even would? If they do, I will buy you a new one. Leave it.”

✨“I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat. It is a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them.”

✨“You know what your problem is?”

“You don’t have faith in the gods.” “Yes, I do,” she said quickly. “No. You don’t. You think you do because you think they probably exist, but that’s not faith. You don’t trust them.”

✨“I swear it, on the spirits of the five gods and my own soul, Kaine Ferron, I’m yours as long as I live.”

✨As he was regaining consciousness, she took his nearest hand, careful not to shift his shoulder as she started massaging the palm and worked slowly to his fingertips, knuckle by knuckle, her resonance seeking out every bit of tension and knotted muscles.

✨She couldn’t fix herself anymore, and no one else seemed inclined to even notice she was breaking.

✨“Stay,” he said softly, and his head dipped so close she felt his breath in her hair. “You know, there’s something about you, Marino, that inspires the most terrible decisions from me. I’ll know better, but then I’ll still…”

✨Instead of perpetually ice-sharp and guarded, he felt like something she might drown in.

✨“You’re going to regret this if I start crying.” She could already feel the alcohol in her face. “I get emotional when I’m drunk.” His eyebrows furrowed. “Is there a reason to cry?” She looked down, rubbing her thumb over the etched pattern on the decanter. “There’s always a reason.”

✨“Why’d you kiss me?”

“You made me feel like the parts of me that aren’t useful still deserve to exist. Like I’m not just all the things I can do.”

✨But his eyes… She could tell—He was hers.

✨For the first time, Kaine Ferron was fully human to her. She’d slipped through his walls and peeled away the defensive layers of malice and cruelty, and found that there he carried a broken heart.

✨“After you nearly bled to death here, I thought, at least I can keep her alive. She deserves to have someone who cares enough to try to keep her alive. I thought eventually you’d give up. But you will do anything to save the people you feel responsible for. Of course you’d weaponise your guilt in order to use mine.” He gave a low bitter laugh. “I’m sure there’s something poetic in it all, but right now all I feel is a new set of manacles.”

✨He gripped her tighter. “You are not expendable. You don’t get to push everyone away so that they’ll feel comfortable using you and letting you die.”

“It’s not some sort of tragic self-condemnation to be expendable. It’s a strategic liability not to be.” She met his eyes. “That was why you picked me, remember?”

“Well, thanks to you, I’m worth less now. They added all these new healers after you asked for me. I had to train all my replacements.”

“You made me as expendable as I am now. And you didn’t even want me, either.”

“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. “You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.”

✨“I don’t want to always be alone,” she said. It was easier to be honest in the dark. “I want to love someone without feeling like if they know, it’ll end up hurting them. People who love me always die. No matter what I do, it’s never enough to save them. I have to love everyone from a distance, and I’m so lonely.”

“You don’t have to be alone,” he said.

“I don’t get to care about you.” Her chest clenched, fingers curling into fists. “If I care about you—I won’t be able to use you. And you’re the only hope I have of keeping everyone else alive.”

“Then use me,” Kaine said.

✨“I think I’ve nearly memorised you,” she said. “Especially your eyes. I think I learned to read them first.”

“I memorised yours, too,” he said after a moment, and then sighed, looking away. “I should have known—the moment I looked into your eyes, I should have known I would never win against you.”

✨He was exacting. Determined to prove to her that this was where she belonged, to ensure that she could never deny what he made her feel.

✨“You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”

She reached out, her fingers brushing back his hair. “Don’t worry. I’m always going to come back to you.”

✨“You’re wrong because I’m part of the universe,” she said. “A tiny piece, I admit, maybe never an important or mathematically significant one, but still a piece. You and I are not separate from it. No one is. It matters to me, everyone who’s died and everyone who will, and everyone who suffers. As long as I exist, I will always care. And that means that part of the universe does.” She smiled at him. “Doesn’t that make it all a little brighter?”

✨“I want to do good in the world.

“I know most people won’t think I have. I’ve done things now that I don’t think I’m supposed to be forgiven for. But I want to be remembered as someone who tried at least.”

✨She missed Kaine. Whenever she thought of him, she felt as though a piece of her was missing.

✨“You’re mine. I’ll always come for you.” He always did.

✨“Being alive is not the same as living.

✨Apparently, Kaine had become her limit. She couldn’t imagine herself without him. She didn’t think she’d even exist anymore.

✨“Do you see my scars that way?” he finally said. “When you look at me, are they all you see?” She flinched. “No.” “Well.” He met her eyes. “I don’t see you that way, either. You’re mine.”

✨I love you. She told him in the way she let go of herself and held on to him instead. With every beat of her heart. I love you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you.

✨They’d found each other once, after all. With time, they could do it again.

✨“I love you. And I always will. Always.”

✨He kissed her like he was starving. As though he were trying to pour himself into her or consume her.

✨”I know you don’t want to believe it’s possible, because hoping terrifies you. But I would rather die trying to save you than live knowing there was a chance and I didn’t take it.” She could feel him wavering. “You promised we’d run away together,”

✨“We said always, didn’t we?” she asked, her voice strained. “Always. Well, if you don’t want that promise in full any longer, I’ll give it to you in increments.” She clutched his hand tighter. “Every day. I’ll choose you. That way you’ll know it’s still what I want.” She looked out towards the rising sea. “I’m sure there will be good days and bad days for us. Too much has happened to ever really put it behind us, but if you choose me, and I choose you, I think we’re strong enough to make it.”

✨I know you love Kaine, and he loves you, I don’t deny that. But I don’t think you realise how inhumanly cold he is to anyone who isn’t you or E. The rest of the world could burn and he wouldn’t care. I don’t think he’d even notice. Is this really what you want?” “I know what he’s like,” Helena said sharply. “It’s the reason you and I are alive.”

✨“Love isn’t as pretty or pure as people like to think. There’s a darkness in it sometimes. Kaine and I go hand in hand. I made him who he is. I knew what that array meant when I saved him. If he’s a monster, then I’m his creator.”

✨She survived the war but died during imprisonment prior to Liberation. She was a non-active member of the Order of the Eternal Flame and did not fight.😭

This book is so devastatingly beautiful, I’m not sure I can put into words how much I love it

Sam Sibilia

This book blindsided me. I haven't yet sat with my thoughts on this long enough to express coherent opinions, actually. So this is a word-vomit type of review. I just had to write this down now before I lost my grip on my feelings. 

This book blindsided me! I knew where it came from. I read the synopsis for the original text and didn't like it; not interested. But then I read Alchemised's synopsis on Goodreads, and I was positively curious about the world that is described. So I decided that I will give the published work a chance, instead. I wasn't actually planning to read this just yet. I had just started Practical Magic and I was really enjoying that, but then...I don't know. Curiosity got to me, and I said to myself, "I will just...check out the first pages. See if I can see the influences in the text." 

And...before I knew it, I was sucked in. Sure, I think the first 25 chapters don't really do the heavy work of making you invested in all the characters and story, but it does make you interested in Helena and whatever the hell happened to her. I could detect the influence in those early chapters and I was almost cocky in how I saw myself predicting the plot and seeing where it was headed. 

But then...the book fcking blindsided me! I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, but no...I didn't really. 

This was such a beautifully grotesque story. It's very well-written, in that it aims for a form of obsessive investment in the reader that books these days don't really do. This is something you frequently see/saw in Fanfiction but traditionally published works don't work this hard to keep you invested for the next chapter (I think for obvious reasons but in case you missed it: It's because you have already bought the entire book. They don't have to pitch themselves to you again and again. They only need to do that once at end if there is a sequel. Not with Fanfic. With fanfic, the author tries to make sure you are still interested to come back for the next chapter, every chapter. So, the stakes are much higher, the cliffhangers are brutal, and the characterization and plots are borderline addictive.) Alchemised tries to gut you with each paragraph. It twists the knife in your wounds and drags you around the bloody floor (Sorry...this book was very bloody and goreish. The images have lingered). It takes you in its clutches, makes you watch the atrocities of war with a VIP lounge front-row seat, and it makes you question everything you have: your morals, your judgment, and your capacity for empathy and violence. It's a brutal, raw look at what war does to people and what it expect from those it eats away at.

And as the story progresses, the writing improves and the shadows of the original work are lifted until these characters and their story manage to stand on their own two legs. No trace of the original there anymore. I could not tell who was who and what could be what. It completely develops into its own new thing, and what a thing of beauty it is. Beauty but in a very...ugly way? This book doesn't glorify war. It doesn't romanticise heroism. It cuts it open and shows you the festering rot within. It was so GOOD! So nuanced. 

I know people fixate on the romance. There is a reason for that. Because when everything you have is burned to ashes and you have nothing and no one to hold on to, an impossible romance is such a heartbreaking symbol of hope for an impossible future; one that is simple enough that it can hold love in it. A future worth fighting for. A stake beyond survival. So I get why people fixate on that; it's beautiful and tragic and breaks your heart at a higher velocity than if this were clinical and written with no emotional stakes. But the book is so much more than just a doomed love story. This is a fantasy story about what war does to people, and there is romance in it, as well. Because...I don't know, love makes war that much worse.

My favorite bit is that nothing about this story is easy. Not love, not morals, not victory and loss, nothing. No one makes easy choices. There are no easy answers. You are suffocating on the complexity and ambiguity of the situation, and that's perfect! 

I love that we have this book. This is what we deserve. Not cookie-cutter stories that string a bunch of tropes together and add a veneer of appropriate social behavior on top of it like a bow-wrapped gift, and act like they did something revolutionary because they gave in to the rules of passivity that our world demands from everything and everyone so we can all be advertisement-friendly. This book grabs you by your balls, whether you have them or not, and makes you see the difficult parts that no one likes to look at. We need stories like this. I needed this. I felt more alive reading this than I had in ages. It had been so long since a book clawed at my heart and mind like this. I absolutely loved it. I am so grateful it was published. It would have been a crime to let it be confined by the world of another person's story. Especially when this world is so much more interesting! 

Did I mention the world-building was amazing? Because it is. I was confused at first, but as we got more and more and MORE (lol) exposition and explanations as the story develops and I really warmed up to the magic system. This world has a complex system of religion and folklore. There is complicated politics, racism, and misogyny that are rooted in in-world dynamics and beliefs. It's just very elaborate. Yes, there are info-dumps, but I keep thinking if those were to slowly unfurl, not only would we have been so confused for much longer, but also the book would probably have to be 2ooo pages long. So sometimes you get info dumps. 

Also, apparently, this is written in passive language. I...had no issue. It's a bit claustrophobic but that's the point. I enjoyed the writing style. 

I loved the world, I loved the plot, I loved the ambiguity and nuance and moral grayness, I loved the romance, I loved the characters...Most of all, I loved how harsh and unforgiving the book was when it came to the matter of war. It was just so raw.

So do I recommend the book? No. No, you don't deserve nice things (or the emotional trauma! lol) You are not going to handle this, and you're gonna just piss me off with your moral coding and purity culture outcries(maybe, I don't know), so don't read it. Also, don't read it if you are not interested/ready to be traumatised. There is body horror...so much body horror...SO MUCH!!!!!! There is loss of body autonomy, sexual assault, torture, murder, gore, decomposing bodies, and so much more...there is a list of triggers, so take care and check those and imagine every warning is for the extreme and avoid this if it's not for you...because sometimes, some books are NOT FOR YOU. And that's okay! We don't all need to like the same stuff. I actually like hurting myself by reading books that make me want to vomit out my heart. I spent days sobbing over this, I'm not normal! Don't be like me! 

I loved it. If you are like me and actually enjoy reading upsetting fiction that will traumatise you for life, go ahead! This is worth the trauma, I say. If you don't like that type of stuff, just avoid it. Take care of yourself, instead. 

ALSO in regards to "romaticiation of rape":  <spoiler>No...no, it doesn't. OMG! The rape scene is extremely traumatising to read about. Both characters are disturbed. It's about eugenics. It's intrusive, and it's a double rape. It's horrifying. There was nothing romantic about it. If someone found THAT scene romantic...I'm sorry, they're the problem. There wasn't even any descriptions. It was just about the emotional terror and the aftermath trauma. No gratuitous descriptions, no romantic atmosphere. Just horrific criminal injustice done to the characters. Like, know the difference between "depiction of a situation" and "romaticisation" of it.</spoiler>

Anyway, I am so glad I read this. This book will stay with me for a long, long, long time. 

And I'm realizing, this is the kind of work I like. The kind that rips your heart out and ruins you. I know it's not literary fiction or highbrow, and maybe I'm supposed to like that stuff because I'm a literature person now, but I would be lying to myself. I like this type of story, where the story seeps into your bones and stays with you like a parasite. The kind where dramatic stuff happens and you care about the plot and events, the romance, and the characters. I guess I'm not sophisticated enough for intellectual literary fiction. I guess I'm basic. Whatever. I like my fiction messy. 

Autumn 

11/10 Stars. 

This book blindsided me. I haven't yet sat with my thoughts on this long enough to express coherent opinions, actually. So this is a word-vomit type of review. I just had to write this down now before I lost my grip on my feelings. 

This book blindsided me! I knew where it came from. I read the synopsis for the original text and didn't like it; not interested. But then I read Alchemised's synopsis on Goodreads, and I was positively curious about the world that is described. So I decided that I will give the published work a chance, instead. I wasn't actually planning to read this just yet. I had just started Practical Magic and I was really enjoying that, but then...I don't know. Curiosity got to me, and I said to myself, "I will just...check out the first pages. See if I can see the influences in the text." 

And...before I knew it, I was sucked in. Sure, I think the first 25 chapters don't really do the heavy work of making you invested in all the characters and story, but it does make you interested in Helena and whatever the hell happened to her. I could detect the influence in those early chapters and I was almost cocky in how I saw myself predicting the plot and seeing where it was headed. 

But then...the book fcking blindsided me! I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, but no...I didn't really. 

This was such a beautifully grotesque story. It's very well-written, in that it aims for a form of obsessive investment in the reader that books these days don't really do. This is something you frequently see/saw in Fanfiction but traditionally published works don't work this hard to keep you invested for the next chapter (I think for obvious reasons but in case you missed it: It's because you have already bought the entire book. They don't have to pitch themselves to you again and again. They only need to do that once at end if there is a sequel. Not with Fanfic. With fanfic, the author tries to make sure you are still interested to come back for the next chapter, every chapter. So, the stakes are much higher, the cliffhangers are brutal, and the characterization and plots are borderline addictive.) Alchemised tries to gut you with each paragraph. It twists the knife in your wounds and drags you around the bloody floor (Sorry...this book was very bloody and goreish. The images have lingered). It takes you in its clutches, makes you watch the atrocities of war with a VIP lounge front-row seat, and it makes you question everything you have: your morals, your judgment, and your capacity for empathy and violence. It's a brutal, raw look at what war does to people and what it expect from those it eats away at.

And as the story progresses, the writing improves and the shadows of the original work are lifted until these characters and their story manage to stand on their own two legs. No trace of the original there anymore. I could not tell who was who and what could be what. It completely develops into its own new thing, and what a thing of beauty it is. Beauty but in a very...ugly way? This book doesn't glorify war. It doesn't romanticise heroism. It cuts it open and shows you the festering rot within. It was so GOOD! So nuanced. 

I know people fixate on the romance. There is a reason for that. Because when everything you have is burned to ashes and you have nothing and no one to hold on to, an impossible romance is such a heartbreaking symbol of hope for an impossible future; one that is simple enough that it can hold love in it. A future worth fighting for. A stake beyond survival. So I get why people fixate on that; it's beautiful and tragic and breaks your heart at a higher velocity than if this were clinical and written with no emotional stakes. But the book is so much more than just a doomed love story. This is a fantasy story about what war does to people, and there is romance in it, as well. Because...I don't know, love makes war that much worse.

My favorite bit is that nothing about this story is easy. Not love, not morals, not victory and loss, nothing. No one makes easy choices. There are no easy answers. You are suffocating on the complexity and ambiguity of the situation, and that's perfect! 

I love that we have this book. This is what we deserve. Not cookie-cutter stories that string a bunch of tropes together and add a veneer of appropriate social behavior on top of it like a bow-wrapped gift, and act like they did something revolutionary because they gave in to the rules of passivity that our world demands from everything and everyone so we can all be advertisement-friendly. This book grabs you by your balls, whether you have them or not, and makes you see the difficult parts that no one likes to look at. We need stories like this. I needed this. I felt more alive reading this than I had in ages. It had been so long since a book clawed at my heart and mind like this. I absolutely loved it. I am so grateful it was published. It would have been a crime to let it be confined by the world of another person's story. Especially when this world is so much more interesting! 

Did I mention the world-building was amazing? Because it is. I was confused at first, but as we got more and more and MORE (lol) exposition and explanations as the story develops and I really warmed up to the magic system. This world has a complex system of religion and folklore. There is complicated politics, racism, and misogyny that are rooted in in-world dynamics and beliefs. It's just very elaborate. Yes, there are info-dumps, but I keep thinking if those were to slowly unfurl, not only would we have been so confused for much longer, but also the book would probably have to be 2ooo pages long. So sometimes you get info dumps. 

Also, apparently, this is written in passive language. I...had no issue. It's a bit claustrophobic but that's the point. I enjoyed the writing style. 

What else to word-vomit about...

I loved the world, I loved the plot, I loved the ambiguity and nuance and moral grayness, I loved the romance, I loved the characters...Most of all, I loved how harsh and unforgiving the book was when it came to the matter of war. It was just so raw.

So do I recommend the book? No. No, you don't deserve nice things (or the emotional trauma! lol) You are not going to handle this, and you're gonna just piss me off with your moral coding and purity culture outcries(maybe, I don't know), so don't read it. Also, don't read it if you are not interested/ready to be traumatised. There is body horror...so much body horror...SO MUCH!!!!!! There is loss of body autonomy, sexual assault, torture, murder, gore, decomposing bodies, and so much more...there is a list of triggers, so take care and check those and imagine every warning is for the extreme and avoid this if it's not for you...because sometimes, some books are NOT FOR YOU. And that's okay! We don't all need to like the same stuff. I actually like hurting myself by reading books that make me want to vomit out my heart. I spent days sobbing over this, I'm not normal! Don't be like me! 

I loved it. If you are like me and actually enjoy reading upsetting fiction that will traumatise you for life, go ahead! This is worth the trauma, I say. If you don't like that type of stuff, just avoid it. Take care of yourself, instead. 

ALSO in regards to "romaticiation of rape":  <spoiler>No...no, it doesn't. OMG! The rape scene is extremely traumatising to read about. Both characters are disturbed. It's about eugenics. It's intrusive, and it's a double rape. It's horrifying. There was nothing romantic about it. If someone found THAT scene romantic...I'm sorry, they're the problem. There wasn't even any descriptions. It was just about the emotional terror and the aftermath trauma. No gratuitous descriptions, no romantic atmosphere. Just horrific criminal injustice done to the characters. Like, know the difference between "depiction of a situation" and "romaticisation" of it.</spoiler>

Anyway, I am so glad I read this. This book will stay with me for a long, long, long time. 

And I'm realizing, this is the kind of work I like. The kind that rips your heart out and ruins you. I know it's not literary fiction or highbrow, and maybe I'm supposed to like that stuff because I'm a literature person now, but I would be lying to myself. I like this type of story, where the story seeps into your bones and stays with you like a parasite. The kind where dramatic stuff happens and you care about the plot and events, the romance, and the characters. I guess I'm not sophisticated enough for intellectual literary fiction. I guess I'm basic. Whatever. I like my fiction messy. 

This book was ✨TRAUMATIZING ✨. Please only read if you have the mental space for a heartbreaking and very disturbing story. The characters are very well developed and the world building was AMAZING. Kaine and Helena’s relationship was my favourite yet also the most confusing thing I’ve read in a long time. I will never stop recommending this book as a must read, but be prepared to SOB.

Anna

I'm surprised I didn't cry at all but I think this was too jarring to even form a proper repsonse... (*Update: I cried the following day after staring at a wall for quite some time)

The world was really interesting but I did wish for some more world building in the first half. I think it was meant to be that way tho because we're supposed to be confused just as much as Helena was, so looking back, it all worked out. (I loved the world tho so I would've gladly accepted 300 pages more.)

I didn't read the original story but I must say, she did a wonderful job completely seperating the two worlds. No character truly resembled anyone in their personality and the world was so different, it was really unique. I wasn't interested before because I'm just not into fanfiction or that particular ship, so I was really happy to experience the story this way.

I'm surprised I didn't cry at all but I think this was too jarring to even form a proper repsonse... (*Update: I cried the following day after staring at a wall for quite some time)

The world was really interesting but I did wish for some more world building in the first half. I think it was meant to be that way tho because we're supposed to be confused just as much as Helena was, so looking back, it all worked out. (I loved the world tho so I would've gladly accepted 300 pages more.)

I didn't read the original story but I must say, she did a wonderful job completely seperating the two worlds. No character truly resembled anyone in their personality and the world was so different, it was really unique. I wasn't interested before because I'm just not into fanfiction or that particular ship, so I was really happy to experience the story this way.

Alchemised

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