Sesali Bowen

"Entertainment journalist and former senior editor at NYLON Sesali Bowen's NOTES FROM A TRAP FEMINIST: a text for the hot girl era, combining rule-breaking feminist theory, a gendered analysis of contemporary hip-hop, and the author's humorous personal narrative"--

Notes from a Trap Feminist

Bad Fat Black Girl

Sabrina D. 

I can articulate trap feminism because I've read feminist theory and explored the entertainment industry in my career, but that's not why l understand it at such a cellular level. Before I had a name for it, and before I realized female rappers were so often talking directly to me, trap feminism was written into the codes I learned growing up broke, curious, Black, resilient, and female in some of the worst parts of Chicago. It's what I learned through fistfights, sex work, queerness, and fatness. It was part of a tool kit I used to survive, thrive, and be able to tell somebody else about it. It’s still how I navigate and make sense of the world. 

Confidence is a choice, and not an easy one. It's the choice between crying about it and smiling anyway. In some ways it is a delusion, because there are certainly days when there’s absolutely nothing to laugh about. It’s also a painful process that requires honesty and work. Confidence is waiting on the other side of choosing to keep it real with yourself, choosing to heal some shit, choosing to humble yourself. It pisses me off when people call me confident for being fine, funny, smart, or joyous because the seeds of my confidence were actually planted and watered when I was unraveling, depressed, and deeply unhappy. 

Holding to my standards means setting boundaries with people, boundaries that they may not be used to. Even when it might be inconvenient. People have balked at my standards, in public and in private. I've also had to reconfigure some of my relationships in the process, and shit gets complicated as you recalibrate your relationships based on how people honor what you require, and vice versa. The relationship between my momma and me is probably one of the clearest examples of this. 

Friendship, though? It requires nothing more than an ongoing decision to love each other. 

Too many people mistake the unprescribed nature of friendships to mean they are disposable, when the opposite is true. Friendship is one of the purest forms of love precisely because you love your friends voluntarily. The payoff, having someone who loves you back, just because, is also greater. The vulnerability that each party brings to equitable friendships is unmatched. Friendship is how you get really good practice in empathy, healthy conflict resolution, and how to build and be in community.

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