Actual rating: 2.5254896 stars. 2.224896 stars. My Nefarious Daughter Elena was kind enough to point out I had been overly generous with my original rating (must be the revoltingly disgusting Christmas Spirit getting to me), ergo I most obligingly lowered it and stuff. You’d think that Noir + Urban Fantasy would = YUM, right? Wrong. As scrumptious as this could and should have been, it wasn’t. Why? Because: ① It’s all clichéd as fish. I love Noir Fiction (and happen to think all things Dashiell Hammett are slightly hot, just so you know) and don’t usually mind the delightfully delightful tropes that plague the genre, since they kinda sorta come with the territory and stuff. BUT. As cheerfully open-minded and nefariously resilient as I am, there’s only so much Ridiculously Ridiculous Stereotypes (RRS™) and Lame Noir Parody (LNP™) I can take. Also, a private eye who has a “private eye” that allows him to find Anything Anytime Anywhere (AAA™) (view spoiler)[←yes, this is pathetically but totally intentional, thank you very much (hide spoiler)]? Somebody kill me please. Or give me something to drink. Either would work, methinks. But I might perhaps possibly prefer some booze over dying a deadly death. Maybe. ② One-dimensional everything. Bloody stinking shrimp, it’s all so dullishly flat even my infamous herd of ironing boards has more depth than this world and the characters that evolve in it! And that’s saying something, if you ask me. ③ The Boredom Fest. How can a book about the Delectably Delectable Underworld (DDU™) be as monotonously uninteresting as this, I wonder? I didn’t think such a feat was possible before reading this lovely tale. Goes to show you can be both nefarious as fish and naïve as shrimp. The plot is Super Extra Meh (SEM™) and the pace Super Extra Bleh (SEB™). There are endless descriptions of the Bloody Shrimping Nightside—and ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY SIX occurrences of the word. In a 230-page book—but do we learn anything even remotely interesting from them? Nope nope nope. How can you blabber away SO much but say SO little, anyway? It probably requires some Extra Special Talent (EST™) or something. ④ Insta-lurve of Doom and Oblivion. Okay, so I get the whole “P.I.” falls for his Super Hot Client (SHC™) and stuff, but could he at least have waited until past the 100% mark a little bit to go all “we kissed and all of a sudden I felt warm and happy and more alive than I had felt in decades—it kinda sorta felt like waking up in a foreign country (view spoiler)[please feel free to eyeroll here (hide spoiler)]—and then we held each other and nothing else mattered I’m pretty sure the heavens are going to open any second now.” Shrimpy subtitle: Such Noir. Much Badass. Oh, since we’re spending some time in Lovey-Dovey Crap Territory (LDCT™), I should also mention that our “tall, dark and not particularly handsome” Private Eye of the Private Eye (view spoiler)[ eye rolling is again, slightly encouraged here (hide spoiler)] has all the chicks panting at him and crawling at his feet. Because he’s totally irresistible like that. I mean, he’s, you know, tall, dark and not particularly handsome. And a private eye with a private eye. So QED and stuff. ⑤ Sandman Slim has ruined me forever. It really isn’t my fault if I somewhat didn’t enjoy this book very much. It’s all because of Richard Kadrey and Jimmy Stark. Urban Fantasy doesn’t get much better than my Maledictions-smoking boyfriend’s fun-filled adventures Downtown, if you ask me. ➽ And the moral of this Yes and Yeah and Yay I Just Got Another Series Off Of My TBR Shelf Go Me And Stuff Crappy Non Review (YAYAYIJGASOOMTSGMASCNR™) is: the only character I liked in this book was mercilessly killed dead. And died a slightly excruciating death as a result. I am not amused. [ Pre-review nonsense] Is it possible to OD on a word, I wonder? Probably not, because if that were the case I would have ended up in the ER halfway through this book. I swear, if I ever bloody shrimping read or hear the word “Nightside” just one more bloody shrimping time, I'm unleashing my homicidal children on this silly little planet and stuff. Oh, and by the way, this book could have been fantastically fantastic, only that it wasn't. I think that Sandman Slim may have possibly ruined me forever. Maybe. This one’s on you, Richard Kadrey. Please calm down, Helmut dear. Remember what the doctor said about your blood pressure and stuff. ➽ Full The Beginning Was Not Engaging The Middle Feeble And The Ending Wanting Crappy Non Review (TBWNETMFATEWCNR™) to come.