Dark Union An Urban Fantasy Novel

➽ And the moral of this rereread is: and...on the Descent Characters I Want to Kill Horribly Dead this Week List (DCIWtKHDtWL™)...we have...cue drum roll and stuff...Gary “I Hope Your Last Breath is Excruciatingly Painful and Horribly Agonizing” Zettel and Allyson “I'm Going to Cut You Into Tiny Little Pieces and Feed You to the Crustaceans” Whatley! Yay and stuff! Oh, and also: 👋 To be continued and stuff. [January 2017] ❣ Marital Buddy Read (MBR™) with my Dearest of Wives (DoW™), aka Choko ❣ Previous rating: 3.5 stars. For the books 1-3 bundle as a whole and stuff. New rating : what are you, blind? Can't you see the little stars up there? Open your eyes, my Little Barnacles, open your eyes! (view spoiler)[this review is longer that the story it attempts not to review. you're welcome. (hide spoiler)] sooooo, it seems that goodreads has been killed dead this week, which means i can do the karen and write in lower case, go all hardcore and not format anything, go with minimalistic giffing interior decorating, say whatever the shrimping crap i want to say, and the clueless little barnacles will be none the wiser and stuff. i thought i'd be super wicked and do the brigid by GOING ON AN UPPER CASE RAMPAGE BUT EVEN I AM NOT THAT CRUEL (view spoiler)[I LOVE YOU TOO, MY CINNAMON BUNS WIELDING PRINCESS (hide spoiler)] SO I GAVE UP THE IDEA. DAMN, I'M SO KIND HEARTED SOMEONE SHOULD GIVE ME THE FIELDS MEDAL OR SOMETHING. oooops, sorry, i forgot i was kind hearted and therefore not supposed to do the upper case thing. so. where were we? oh, yes, someone should give me the fields medal or something. what does the fields medal have to do with my all-encompassing compassion, you ask? dunno, i hate maths. but i digress. damn, that whisky (yes WHISKY not whiskEy, you of the despicable booze taste) is good stuff. but i digress. by the way, if you came here looking for a review, well, you know, too bad and stuff. but I digress. damn that lower case business is going to be the death of me. i am currently fighting a losing battle against my bloody shrimping word processor. that bloody shrimping piece of bloody shrimping software keeps insisting on following each bloody shrimping period and starting each bloody shrimping new paragraph with a bloody shrimping upper case character. plus the stupid thing keeps talking to me and interrupting my ever fascinating train of thought for no reason. what? you don't believe it's talking to me? here, have a look: see? silly little bugger is freaking annoying. it sometimes gets downright aggressive, too: is ibiza in ukraine, you harebrained oaf of a paperclip?! does what i'm typing look like freaking cyrillic to you, you nitwitted boor of a stationery piece of crap?! ha. so shut up shut up shut up. oh, and don't insult ukranians like that. it's beneath you. besides, i'm pretty sure bill & melinda wouldn't approve. they are all one love one heart let's get together and feel alright and whoa whoa whoa and stuff. but I digress. damn. elise kavanagh is going to beat the living crap out of me when she finds out i am not even reviewing her glorious adventure here. could be kinky though. her beating the crap out of me, i mean. i love it when she gets rough and stuff. and our shrimpy lord knows how much elise loves to get rough and stuff, too. i mean, in general. you know, as in not necessarily on me. which is a shame really because you know, i love it. when she gets rough and stuff on me as opposed to on everyone and everything i mean. but i don't like her only because of the physical stuff, you know. come on now, you know i'm much more profound and philosophical and intellectual and deep than that (view spoiler)[ (hide spoiler)] i want elise to marry me because she can be the coldest, most heartless, anti social bitch sometimes. and that is quite delicious. plus, she's the freaking godslayer. plus plus she's a double falchion wielding badass. plus plus plus she hates the asshole angels' guts with a vengeance. just like me. she thoroughly enjoys beating the crap out of big, bad demons, too. and she made it her mission in life to eradicate all lying, bastard assholes and all lying asshole bastards from the face of this world. and of hell. and of heaven. and of all neighbouring quarantined supra-ethereal dimensions. no discrimination whatsoever. gotta love such an equal opportunity chick. elise kavanagh, exterminating the scum of all worlds since the bronze age. more or less. anyway, my ass-kicking wife to be has her work cut out for her. so many otherworldly (or not) sobs, so little time and all that crap. damn. looks like i'm really getting the hang of that lower case shit nonsense! go me! elise and i do have a problem, though. we have to ditch her pathetic boyfriend before we can get married. she doesn't mind polygamy but i personally think that all that "to share is to care" stuff is bullshit. i care, therefore i don't share. ha. besides, anthony (the pathetic boyfriend) is pathetic. ergo, he deserves to die. that's pure logic for you. then i'd also have to get rid of james, elise's bonded witch, because their mind connection kinda gets freaky sometimes. plus he tends to piss me off. nothing personal, james, you know i love to hate you and stuff, but you lost your turn when you decided to go frolic in sunny california with stephanie the bitch from hell. while elise was busy annihilating stuff in the nevada desert, while being crassly and boorishly importuned by gary zettle, aka the giant asshole extraordinaire (tgae™). then there's the problem of elise not really being into marital crap bliss. that might prove to be a tiny obstacle when it comes to, you know, marrying her and stuff. oh well, even if she doesn't want to become my beloved wife, we will always have zombies, giant spiders, murders, asshole angels, bloodthirsty demons, bastard humans or the end of the goddamn world. so i guess i can't complain. damn. looks like i did say some stuff about the book after all. i am such a failure. i should be ashamed of myself. and the moral of this i have no bloody shrimping idea what the freaking fish just happened here but i am innocent as a new born babe this is case you were wondering and yes i am indeed sane thank you very much crappy non whatever this thing is (ihnbsiwtffjhhbiaiaanbbticywwayiaistyvmcnwtti™) is: but sometimes i do. (view spoiler)[ (hide spoiler)] · Book 0.6: Deadly Hearts ★★★★★ · Book 1: Death's Hand ★★★★ · Book 2: The Darkest Gate ★★★★ · Book 4: Damnation Marked ★★★★ · Book 5: Dire Blood ★★★★ · Book 6: Defying Fate ★★★★★ · Book 7: Paradise Damned ★★★★★