Name: Spellbound
ISBN: 9781903571750

Margit Sandemo

"Silje Angrimsdotter's life is turned upside down when the streets of Trodheim on Norway's northern coast is stricken by the plague. It has gripped her village and wiped out her family and she is forced to flee in search of solace. En route she finds companions in two abandoned children but where will Silje lead them? And who will they encounter on their journey towards the mountains of the Ice People that she has feared all her life?This saga of love and turmoil which moves compellingly through four centuries into modern times, weaves historical events and the supernatural together in engrossing narratives that have already captivated countless readers in a dozen countries.

Spellbound

Sarah Escorsa

Actual rating: 2.5 stars. Up the review goes, down the rating flows.

A question, my Little Barnacles: you do not seriously think I read this book willingly, do you now? Oh, good. I thought it must have been pretty obvious to everyone that the MacHalos someone must have held me at gunpoint to force me to read this delightful story, but I wanted to make things clear for the most clueless decapods among you. Wouldn't want the puny humans my dear friends to think less of me because of my despicable reading choices of late one miserably dubious read and stuff.

To be disgustingly honest, I  was bloody shrimping petrified wasn't too terrified at the thought of reading this book. I mean, really, how bad could it be? A fairly innocuous, 218 page long Fantasy saga type thing? And a Scandinavian cult classic which has been translated into 8+ languages at that? No biggie. I can totally do this and stuff. Or so I thought before realizing this was *shudders pre-emptively* heavy on the romance.



But a brave little shrimp I am so bravely soldier on—with a gun to my lovely little head, remember?—I did (view spoiler)[
  Go me and stuff
 (hide spoiler)]. Aaaaaaand my being here writing these fascinating lines seems to indicate I survived the ordeal (as you Exceedingly Astute Bunch—EAB™—might have noticed). Much resistant to intense torture indeed I am. Granted, this little story here doesn't rate very high on the Shrimpy Scale of Godawful Crap (SSoGC™). I mean, I would even say it's nearly tolerable in a perilously non-suicidal way. Probably because it's one of those Old School Fantasy Things of Slightly Ancient Times Past (OSFToSATP™). Meaning it's much less aggressive than most of Today's Allergy-Inducing Fantasy Romance Stuff of Doom and Destruction (TAIFRSoDaD™). Okay, so there is *preemptive shuddering intensifies* romance in this story and it is as repulsive in its all-encompassing lovey dovey glory as one would expect, but it's kind of, you know, inoffensive and stuff. Sort of. Almost. Then again maybe not.



My thoughts exactly, you Babooned—ooops sorry about that—Monkeyed Bunch.

To be disgustingly honest again, I think I was more annoyed by the saintly heroine than by the romantic BS. Saint Silje of the Seizure-Inducing Compassion (SSofSIC™), please pray for us, murderous shrimps! I swear, the girl is so bloody good, so fishing charitable and so shrimping warmhearted I got a horrendously atrocious rash all over my exoskeleton while reading this book. It got so bad that Dr. Prawn even had me transported to the ESC (Emergency Subaquatic Cave) via Equestrian Sea Monkey Express (ESME™)! I kid you not. I mean, the chick collects orphans as a hobby, for shrimp's sake! And keeps worrying about everyone's well-being! Friend or foe, it doesn't matter! The girl is so horrifyingly virtuous she'd rather give her food away and go hungry than see the vindictive, obnoxiously unpleasant populace suffer. What a blessing this young lady is to the neighborhood. And she is so beautifully naïve, too. It really is touching. And absolutely delightful. 



Bloody shrimping hell, this chick wouldn't last two seconds in Shrimp Land. But hey, she sometimes has slightly impure thoughts gets, um, tingly all over at the thought of, um, churning butter with a certain someone, so I guess there might be hope for her yet. Then again maybe not. Because babies? Seriously? BABIES? EW EW EW YUCK YUCK YUCK and stuff.

So Saint Silje oozes so much fishing saintliness I nearly fell in a coma while reading this book. Nicely done and stuff. But you know what the real tour de force is here? Margi Sandemo managed the impossible. She found a way to distract me so I wouldn't succumb to Death by Romantic Crap (DbRC™). Yes she did. Cunning Scandinavian authors are cunning indeed. How did she do it, you ask? She had her book translated by the worst translator in the history of worst translators. Really, someone should give the person who—and I am using the term VERY loosely here—translated this book a medal or something. I'm sorry Person who Translated this Book and Who Shall Not Be Named Because I'm Lenient Like That (PwTtBaWSnBNBILLT™), but what you did here? Wow. It's such a crap job it makes Google Translate green with envy. Give my niece a Norwegian-English dictionary and I'm sure she'd do a better job of it. Even if she's only thirteen. And doesn't speak a single word of Norwegian. Or English, for that matter (view spoiler)[
  she is, however, superiorly intelligent because she obviously inherited my gloriously superior genes so QED and stuff
 (hide spoiler)]. So yeah, I guess you could say the translation somewhat sucked. Not much, though. Just a tiny little bit. I mean, it's not like reading this story felt like reading a choppy high school textbook or anything. Oh no, nothing of the sort. And it could have been much worse. There could have been, I don't know, inconsistencies and repetitions and contradictions and stuff that didn't make sense and editing mistakes and, you know stuff. Yes, it definitely could have happened. Good thing that it didn't. Phew and stuff, that was close! A bit too close, actually.



See, even my malicious buddy Bela here is scared shrimpless at the though of how close we came to disaster here. That should give you a little pause and stuff. 

» And the moral of this The MacHalos Keep Trying to Kill Me Dead with Their Ignominious Buddy Reads but ♫I'm Still Standing Yeah Yeah Yeah♫ Crappy Non Review (TMHKTtKMDwTIBRbISSYYYCNR™) is: thank fish this one was short! A longer version might have been the annihilative end of nefarious little me. And what a loss that would have meant to the Barnacled Community! Mass subaquatic suicide would have ensued, I'm sure.



[Pre-review nonsense]

Actual rating: 2.7564 stars. 

This one rates extremely super high on the Richter Shrimper Scale of Allergy-Inducing Romances (RSSoAIR™). And yet I didn't die.



I know, I haven't quite recovered from the shock myself. I think it's the Horrifyingly Appalling Translation (HAT™) that saved me here. Must have distracted me from all the Repulsive Love Dovey Crap (RLDC™) and stuff.

➽ Full Fairly Ghastly Fantasy Romance + Woefully Calamitous Translation = I Must Have Died and Gone to Shrimpy Heaven or Something Crappy Non Review (FGFR+WCT=IMHDaGtSHoSCNR™) to come.

Spellbound

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