Jasper Fforde

The Mighty Shandar, the most powerful wizard the world has ever seen, returns to the Ununited Kingdoms. Clearly, he didn't solve the Dragon Problem, and must hand over his fee: eighteen dray-weights of gold. But the Mighty Shandar doesn't do refunds, and vows to eliminate the dragons once and for all - unless sixteen-year-old Jennifer Strange and her sidekicks from the Kazam house of enchantment can bring him the legendary jewel, The Eye of Zoltar. The only thing that stands in their way is a perilous journey with a 50% Fatality Index - through the Cambrian Empire to the Leviathan Graveyard, at the top of the deadly Cadir Idris mountain. It's a quest like never before, and Jennifer soon finds herself fighting not just for her life, but for everything she knows and loves . . .

The Eye of Zoltar

Sarah Escorsa

Actual rating: 4.5 stars.

Sorry, what did you just say? The crustaceans are feeling overly murderous this morning and keep clicking their pincers with homicidal glee, so I didn’t hear a thing. Mind saying that again, at the top of your puny lungs this time? [insert massive barnacled intake of air here] “But Sarah, this is YA,” you shout and squeal and shriek! YA? This? Oh, please, don’t be silly. Of course this isn’t YA, this is Jasper Fforde! *eyeroll* I have no idea who this person named YA is, but I can assure you he/she/they/it/whatever is NOT the author of this book. I know my two ever-decaying grey cells are ever-decaying, but the Goodreads page for this book says the author is Jasper Fforde and makes absolutely no mention whatsoever of this YA person you’re talking about, so QED and stuff.

 


See? No harm YA, no foul. Ha.

Sooooooo, this book. It is slightly super fun and entertaining and awesome and stuff. Because Jasper Fforde’s book are always super fun and entertaining and awesome and stuff. And also because Jasper Fforde always creates super original, super creative, super witty, super hahahaha, super cool worlds and characters and stuff. Even YA ones (view spoiler)[← I never wrote this and you never read it (hide spoiler)]. This moderate display of fanFfordegirling might make you wonder why I waited four bloody shrimping years to read this book. Because I’m an idiot, that’s why. The thing is, this is the last book Fforde published, and the only work of his I hadn’t yet read before reading it, so I was kinda sorta reluctant to, um, you know, read it and stuff, until I knew for sure another book of his was in sight and stuff. It just so happens that Early Riser will be released in August, ergo the world will not end just yet, also ergo the time for me to um, you know, read this book hath cometh and stuff.


Why thank you, Spocky dear!

Sooooooo, this book. It’s the third in a series so I won’t bother to recap what happened so far because I’m lazy as fish it would take too long and I know how much you value your worthless time. You’re quite welcome and stuff. All you need to know is that the book is about 16-year-old Jennifer Strange, head of the Kazam House of Enchantment, and her quest to find the Eye of Zoltar, a jewel with Grade III legendary status (meaning its existence is “really not very likely at all”). Wait, I just remembered it’s not a quest Jennifer and her Most Excellent Sidekicks (MES™) are on, it’s a mission. I mean, all quests have to be approved by the Questing Foundation, and believe me when I tell you you do NOT want them involved. Ever. Anyway, Jennifer and her MES™ go off on their quest mission, and stuff happens. Lots of stuff. And I am joyously happy to report that there is much enjoyment and fun and merriment and eccentricity to be had here. Much indeed. So yay and stuff. Let’s dance and stuff.



As in all Fforde Books of Totally Delicious Inventiveness and Utterly Fun Freshness (FBoTDIaUFF™), the story is jam-packed with funny, clever, wacky ideas. I could tell you about them, but we’d be here a week or so if I did, so I won’t. Yeah, I’m kind and considerate and charitable like that. Sometimes. Not today though. Ergo, behold the Slightly Never-Ending List of Ffordesomeness (SNELoF™), Lovely Arthropods Mine!

✔ Rocket-propelled liquorice launchers.
✔ Tralfamosaurs (cute, fluffy, cuddly, pea-brained pets that are “a lot like Tyrannosaurus Rex, but without the sunny disposition and winning personality”).
✔ Despot Awards. I’m afraid I wasn’t nominated in the ‘Worst Teeth’ or ‘Despot most likely to be killed by an enraged mob with agricultural tools’ categories this year, but I did make it to the ‘Most Hated Tyrant,’ ‘Most Corrupt King of a medium-sized Kingdom,’ and ‘Best original act of despotism adapted from an otherwise fair law’ short lists. Go me and stuff.
✔ Troll wars that are like Batman movies: “repeated at regular intervals, featuring expensive hardware, and broadly predictable.”
✔ The Blessed Ladies of the Lobster Orphanage. Ladies of the bloody shrimping LOBSTER, my Little Barnacles!!! Crustaceans FTW!!



✔ Jeopardy Tourism (for those seeking life-threatening situations) and Fatality Indexes (“32% chance of being devoured, but good scenery with ample picnic spots”).
✔ The best multi-tool since sliced bread the Swiss Army knife, aka the hairy Helping Hand™. I want one for Christmas!!! Hmmm, a Helping Pincer™ might be more adapted to my special needs, come to think of it. I need to ask the Evil Scientists™ on my payroll to work on it post haste and stuff. Pretty sure threatening them with moderately excruciating bodily harm will get me a Helping Pincer™ before the day is over. Funny how efficient my minions can be when appropriately motivated and stuff.
✔ Undisciplined, infantile, argumentative, barely sane sorcerers whose magic only works when they really concentrate (“which isn’t that often”).
✔ Violent Medieval monarchy vs. benevolent dictatorship. I’m more inclined towards violent dictatorship myself, but to each his/her/their/its/whatever own and stuff.

[Sorry for the interruption, but I think we’re in dire need of a celebratory dancing break here.



Woo-bloody-hoo, now did that feel great or what?!]

✔ Highly motivated homing pigeons snails (looks like those modified TV fitness instructor spells really are worth the money).
✔ Royal Dog Mess Removal Operatives (don’t ask).
✔ Cannibalistic savages “with an unhealthy enthusiasm for taxidermy.”
✔ The 18.02 teatime ‘Express Battle’ special and the 12.07 ceasefire, courtesy of the Railway militia. Real sticklers for punctuality, these guys. And they have great customer service, too. I mean, if the ceasefire is really late, you can even apply for a refund and stuff.
✔ The spoilt, conniving, cruel, bullying little brat princess option market.
✔ Müller’s Guide to Kidnappable Personages (I’m featured in it, obviously).
✔ Also: Weaponized bacon, the fastest recorded gossip ever (clocked at 47.26 mph), acceptable (albeit mildly simplistic) alliterations, a steam-powered Isle of Wight, “Meals on Wheels” (aka four-storey armoured tracked vehicles, aka a fine example of troll humor) and limited-edition goats for collectors.
✔ Also, also: Awesome stuff, more awesome stuff, and even more awesome stuff.

⚠️ Daaaaaaaannnnnnce alert⚠️



➽ And the moral of this If All Revoltingly Juvenile YA Was Like This Maybe I Wouldn’t Be So Bloody Shrimping Allergic to the Vile Stuff Crappy Non Review (IARJYAWLtMIWBSBSAttVSCNR™) is: 
  “Death cannot be avoided for ever, but it can be postponed – in that respect it’s very like the washing-up.”

(view spoiler)[
  
 (hide spoiler)]

• Book 1: The Last Dragonslayer ★★★★
• Book 2: The Song of the Quarkbeast ★★★★
• Book 4: Humans vs. Trolls - to be released.



[Pre-review nonsense]

I bet you're under the illusion that I just read a novel aimed towards Revoltingly Juvenile Readers (RJR™). Hahahaha. Go home, my Little Barnacles, you're quite obviously drunk.



➽ Full Jasper Fforde Makes Everything Better Even Bloody Shrimping YA Crappy Non Review (JFMEBEBSYACNR™) to come.

Jeni Enjaian

This series hit its stride in a big way in this book. It is by far my favorite of the whole series. (I should add "thus far," since, thankfully, there is at least one more book coming.) I loved the change of scenery and the massive world-building opportunities it presented. What a crazy place Jasper Fforde's brain must be. The only thing that I am not pleased with is Perkins' character arc. (I will refrain from saying more...spoilers.) Now I have to join everyone else waiting for the 4th book in the series (and all the other proposed sequels Fforde/his agents have floated).

The Eye of Zoltar

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