Tee Morris

Pip Ballantine

Evildoers beware! Retribution is at hand, thanks to Britain's best-kept secret agents!! Certainly no strangers to peculiar occurrences, agents Wellington Books and Eliza Braun are nonetheless stunned to observe a fellow passenger aboard Britain's latest hypersteam train suddenly vanish in a dazzling bolt of lightning. They soon discover this is not the only such disappearance . . . with each case going inexplicably unexamined by the Crown. The fate of England is once again in the hands of an ingenious archivist paired with a beautiful, fearless lady of adventure. And though their foe be fiendishly clever, so then is Mr. Books . . . and Miss Braun still has a number of useful and unusual devices hidden beneath her petticoats.

A Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences Novel

The Janus Affair

Sarah Escorsa

· Inspiration level: -10 going on -2,500. 
· Caffeination status: need moar. Need much moar. HALP.



Not sure that will make any difference at this point but the thoughtful thought is thoughtfully appreciated, Little Barnacles Mine. Thank thee kindly and stuff.

So. First things first: I’m a complete, total, utter moronic idiot. ”Of course not,” you say! “Don’t be so hard on your nefarious little self,” you say! “You are our brilliantly smart, fearless, cunning leader,” you say!” “Why,” you say? Because I read the first book in this series when it was originally published, slightly enjoyed it a little so much that I bought the present instalment directly after and stuff…only to leave it shamelessly abandoned in the unfathomable depths of my Device of Doom™ (aka my Kindle) for SIX bloody shrimping years. To think of all the Pieces of Crap (PoC™) I barely made out alive of! When I could have been reading this Fun Romp of Steampunk Merriment (FRoSM™)! Ergo, a moronic idiot is  undoubtedly me. 

Okay, so this series is about two, um, “archivists:” Deceptively Nerdy Mr Books of the Ridiculously Appropriate Name Then Again Maybe Not and Kick Ass Ms Braun of the Super Hot Bulletproof Corset (aka Our Beloved Colonial Sexpot Pepperpot). Both of them are Poof Gone Harem (PGH™), by the way, so don’t get any silly ideas into your silly little heads. Anyway, Books and Braun work for the Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences (this is case you were feeling particularly clueless today and hadn’t noticed the name of the series. You are quite welcome and stuff), said Ministry being in charge of investigating, um, you know, peculiar, um, you know, occurrences and, um, you know stuff. Like, um, you know, weird stuff and occult stuff and miscellaneous (if slightly mystifying) evil stuff. Which is pretty cool and stuff, so let’s dance and stuff.



This instalment sees our Dashing Duo of the Delicious Banter and Delightful Interactions (DDotDBaDI™) investigating the mysteriously mysterious disappearances of 
  bloody
 various Suffragettes, said charming ladies having recently developed the most curious tendency to vanish in Super Extra Flashy Bolts of Lighting (SEFBoL™). Mayhem and chaos ensue, yay! In a most scrumptiously entertaining way, I must say. Granted, this little book here ain’t no Nobel Prize material, but who the stinking fish of the bloody shrimp cares anyway? You might not raise your IQ to 256.58 while reading Books and Brown’s titillating adventures in Steampunkish Victorian Times (SVT™), but there is a slight chance you might possibly find your little self most diverted, amused and cheerfully occupied for a few hours. Maybe. Perhaps. Well you should if you have Impeccable Book Taste (IBT™) like me, anyway. I can’t speak for the Fellowship of the Despicable Book Taste, obviously.

“So why is this book such a FRoSM™,” you ask? Sorry, what? You forgot what FRoSM™ stands for? That’s so sad. Your life really sucks, doesn’t it? Now please stop interrupting or we’ll be here forever and I’ll never get my coffee IV going. So. This book is such a FRoSM™ because it comes fully equipped with:

✔ A most intriguing plot.
✔ Exciting action aplenty.
✔ Hahaha stuff galore. 
✔ Baked, cooked and sizzled geese.
✔ The mostest awesomest semi-clockwork housekeeper ever.
✔ The Ministry Seven Who Would Be Eight If They Weren’t Seven But They Aren’t Seven So They Are Eight, aka the coolest, most kidnap-worthy street urchins ever.
✔ Gangs of ruthless female thieves who roam the streets of London.
✔ Ever-so slightly unbalanced villains.
✔ Cool contraptions and devices and gadgets that would make Q proud. (In case you were wondering, I am talking about the only Q that ever was and ever will, i.e. this one, and not about ridiculously silly little younglings.)
✔ Harmless morons vs. dangerous morons.
✔ Arrogant little strumpets.
✔ Regurgitating flower shops (don’t ask).
✔ Yummy Haka Times (YHT™). The book is probably worth 4 stars for that alone, if you ask me. Because, seriously, who can resist something like this:



Not →this← shrimp, that’s for sure *swoons and pants and stuff*

And last, but most certainly not bloody shrimping least, this FRoSM™ is such a FRoSM™ because it features: 

① A “devilishly handsome archivist nurturing a grudge” who says hotly irresistible stuff like: “My god, I think I’m sweating.” *swooning intensifies*

And

② A trigger-happy heroine South Pacific Angel of Wanton Destruction and Calamity, who says High Security Harem-qualifying stuff like: “May I have your name for the record, Miss . . . ?” “Eliza Braun,” Eliza sneered. “Here, I’ll spell it for you—B-U-G-G-E-R-O-F-F.” *panting intensifies*

➽ And the moral of this Thank Fish This Pretty Much Reads As A Standalone Because Ancient Little Me Couldn’t Even Remember the MCs’ Names When I Picked Up This Book Please Feel Free to Eyeroll Crappy Non Review is (TFTPMRAASBALMCERtMCNWIPUTBPFFtECNR™) is: In 💕lurve💕 with Books and Braun I most certainly am, and wait another six years to read the next instalment in this series I shall not, for lived much moronically and learned from my stupidly idiotic mistakes I have. Go me and stuff.

• Book 1: Phoenix Rising ★★★★
· Book 3: Dawn's Early Light ★★★★
· Book 4: The Diamond Conspiracy ★★★
· Book 5: The Ghost Rebellion ★★★★
· Book 6: Operation: Endgame ★★★★



[Pre-Review Nonsense]

Dashing archivists and vanishing suffragettes and dangerous morons and baked geese, oh my!



This ↑ is me in my cat costume, being slightly excited about this book. In case you were wondering and stuff.

➽ Full Why the Fish Did I Wait Six Bloody Shrimping Years to Read this Book Because I'm a Complete Idiot that's Why Crappy Non Review (WtFDIWSBSYtRtBBIaCItWCNR™) to come.

The Janus Affair A Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences Novel

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