Name: The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali
ISBN: 9781338227017

Sabina Khan

With a welcome mix of humor, heart, and high-stakes drama, Sabina Khan provides a timely and honest portrait of what it's like to grow up feeling unwelcome in your own culture.

The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali

Raven 

Lamia Hajani

4 stars

I won't say that this is the best-written book in terms of the YA novels that are out there, but I will say that its unique storyline does make up for a lot of the poor writing. Although I usually don't love stories that put modern Muslim and/or South Asian families in a totally oppressive and crazymaking light, I would recommend this book to LGBTQ South Asian youth who are looking for something to really relate to. I wouldn't really recommend this to just anyone, only because of the portrait it paints and the stereotype it could perpetuate for someone outside of the culture.

But I couldn't put this book down until I finished it in one day. That sweet feeling of being able to relate to a character and her feeling of disjointedness from her culture, her home, but also not feeling complete in the world outside her home. That's not something you get often in novels and Sabina Khan does a wonderful job of portraying that feeling. 

It's not often you find queerness of a second-generation teenager as the main plot point of a story, and this book does touch upon it all well. As I and others have pointed out, the writing is not top-tier and if you're looking for the best YA book you've ever read, this one isn't going to make the cut. But it has a place in its own right as a good novel, and I would certainly recommend to specific people in my life.

jess

This book packed a huge punch. I wasn't expecting such a ride when I cracked it open, but The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali was brutal in its events. It centers around a young Bengali lesbian living in a conservative Muslim family and her struggles after being taken to Bangladesh for an arranged marriage, and Rukhsana's story was a lot to read.

Rukhsana was by far the most well-written out of all the characters. A lot of the book shows her experience of being caught between two cultures, Bengali and American, because both cultures have shaped her to be who she is. I wasn't expecting such a in-depth thought-provoking discussion of what it's like to straddle different cultures. It's clear Rukhsana, most of the time, loves being Bengali. We get so many wonderful descriptions of Bangladeshi food and the city of Dhaka, Rukhsana and her friend Shaila shopping for saris and shalwar kameez with Rukhsana describing how beautiful they are. Yet there are painful parts to it too, just as there are painful parts to being in American culture. Rukhsana makes a point that she doesn't want to be a representation of her culture, that she doesn't want her culture to be seen negatively because it's more than homophobia.

The rest of the characters were all fairly one-dimensional, especially when it came to Rukhsana's parents. The book shows that there are many open-minded Bangladeshis, like Shaila and Sohail. Rukhsana's parents are not one of them, and for most of the book they absolutely infuriated me. I felt like they had almost no nuance to them: for most of the book, they were staunchly against Rukhsana trying to escape Bangladesh by forcing her into an arranged marriage, and absolutely demonized to the point where it didn't seem like they would be getting any redemption. (view spoiler)[ Yet they did at the end, and their views changed like whiplash, which was really jarring. I don't know how to feel about it - on one hand I felt it was really unrealistic, but on the other hand, it was cute and heartwarming to see her family understand her sexuality and accept Rukhsana for who she is. (hide spoiler)] I wasn't super into Ariana and Rukhsana's romance, either; it felt like they had no chemistry.

The plot took a long time to get rolling. It felt like barely anything was happening for the first one hundred and fifty or so pages. A lot of the reason behind this, I think, is the writing, which feels choppy and disjointed throughout the whole thing. Also, there's so much telling rather than showing: Rukhsana telling you her emotions, backstory being told by Rukhsana instead of weaved through the story, and a very direct way of writing that I had a problem with. It took a long time to get used to, and even then, I felt very emotionally disconnected from Rukhsana even though her story itself was incredibly engaging. Yes, the book was sad, but it was the events and not the narration that did it for me. One event in particular, near the end of the book, made me hugely uncomfortable.

However, I think that The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali is definitely a book that people should read. We don't get many books about queer South Asians, and this book centres on queer South Asians and how difficult it can be, but also shows that there is hope for queer South Asians to be themselves.

content warning: sexual assault, homophobia, Islamophobia, domestic violence, (view spoiler)[bury your gays trope (hide spoiler)]

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4.5 rounded up.

Prior to The Love and Lies, I've never had a book I so fiercely related to. Rukhsana Ali was more than a character from a fictitious novel to me. She was an amalgamation of my friends over the years. Her struggle with feeling at odds with her family, workarounds to revealing clothing and leading a double life is a life a variety of my own friends lead. Women in South Asia are usually born into a role which is expected of them. However, with that being said, as we progress, it's easy to see how young South Asian women struggle to fit themselves into a single box feeling duplicitous as they behave a certain way at home and a certain way when away from the eyes of their community. It would be unfair to strip away one part of us and say we are one half of the double life we surround ourselves with. (To be fair, this might only ring true for some and that too is okay). Her friends found it hard to understand why she wouldn't just give up her family and walk away in face of everything they'd done to her where it became clear just how big the cultural divide was. The author gives us a glimpse into the Ali's daily life, coupled with days at the store, unannounced dinners with gossip-y aunties and full-fledged get togethers with the Bengali community of Seattle to build a sense of the circle Rukhsana grew up in and the attachment she's formed with her own identity as a Bengali Muslim over the course of several years.

What Rukhsana is subjected to as a queer person raised in a conservative household is the worst case scenario possible and somehow, the most realistic scenario possible. It pains me when I think about the horrors Rukhsana suffered through are not an exception but the reality of most LGBTQ+ people in Bangladesh. In the pages describing her agony, I felt panic, anger and desperation all at once, having to remind myself that this particular instance of hate crime inflicted by their own loved ones was only a work of fiction. 

The writing fell flat when it came to Ariana and Rukhsana's relationship - a couple we were supposed to root for due to how much was at stake for them. Or maybe just Rukshana. In a book where everything goes to shit, you'd hope there would always be a silver lining. The silver lining here was Rukshana's support system comprised of Aamir, Irfan, Sara, Nani and Shaila. Sadly, Ariana and Rukshana's relationship, to me, was underdeveloped and just not that great. From the very beginning, we are aware of the main conflict threatening to burst through the seams of their relationship - Rukhsana was not ready to come out to her parents yet. She feared the consequences of this particular action, knowing fully well being gay in a Bengali family could very result you in being kicked out, disowned or locked inside the house forever. Rukhsana had secured a scholarship to Caltech, her dream school and was consequently worried that coming out before she graduated high school might mean her parents might no longer send her away to Caltech. In the face of this, she faced pressure from Ariana to come out, which should never be the case. If you're entering into a relationship with a queer person, you don't get to dictate when your partner comes out. Additionally, while we are told a lot about their love several times in the way of how they fight and make up immediately after, there's nothing to show for that love, making their romance a hard one to root for and Ariana, a character even harder to like.

When I talk about Rukhsana's support system, I truly can't appreciate the ones who saw her and loved her as she is in simple words. When I imagine Rukhsana's position, I can't begin to express the feeling of isolation which must have plagued her, knowing she's got all these people around her but none can truly understand what she goes through, however, her hope was maintained by her loved ones. Just as how blindly her parents were ignoring Rukhsana's pleas, she is backed by people who are ready to stand for her at every turn, even going as far as to help her escape. My favourite form of her happiness came in her familial bonds - her brother, who supported her throughout it all and was ready to risk his own relationship with his parents to stand by Rukhsana, her cousin, who helped Rukhsana navigate her way through Bangaldesh to form her own escape and gave steady advice and her Nani who was a well of wisdom and support for Rukhsana. Their relationship was so pure with the Nani guiding Rukshana at every step with words of strength and guidance, urging her to fight for a life of her own making and carve her own destiny. Her acceptance of Rukhsana shines a light on how bigotry and homophobia is not a generational issue but an issue with people refusing to bend their beliefs in the face of humanity.

 spoilers in next para 
While reading through reviews, I found many that lamented about (view spoiler)[ Sohail's death  (hide spoiler)] being unrealistic. I want to cry and hold onto the hope that such a death could only be found in the pages of a novel and not out on the streets of Bangladesh. As someone who's been privy to the countless strikes activists take upon in Bangladesh, I know how it was like to hear that my friends were going to a protest and to hope that they'd come back alive, safe and sound. I wish this plot point was unrealistic but it's a reality that plagues the lives of those in the LGBT community of Bangladesh.

One of my biggest irks with the novel was her friends. To her credit, the author managed to display the privilege and entitlement that comes with being white which neither Rukhsana nor her parents can afford. From the very beginning, her friends downplayed Rukhsana's fears of her curfew or not being allowed to go the party at all, urging her to let it be because "surely it can't be that bad". This was frustrating on so many levels because later on, Rukhsana comments on how she's had to deal with initial qualms from her friend's family as "someone who won't blow them up" and Rukhsana, as a Muslim WOC, is just expected to understand and go along with this. She's expected to have intrinsic understanding of the fear people have of Muslims (internalised Islamophobia) and she's, more or less, supposed to be okay with her friend's parents thinking of her in this way. In a sharp contrast, we have her friends who fail to understand Rukhsana's culture and they don't try, to begin with. There's never a question of "Why do you have so many rules?" at any point in the novel. Somehow, her friends think that their own interpretation of the situation is correct and deem Rukhsana's to be incorrect or at the very best, dramatised. At no junction do they try to understand what she goes through or why she can't just come out to her parents. They have no idea why it may be life-threatening, as it is in several cases for South Asians, and dismiss it as "Oh they'll just ground you". At the end of it, overcome with guilt she shouldn't have, Rukshana is the one to initiate a conversation about her culture, feeling as though it were somehow her fault that her friends misunderstood her. Rukhsana's parents apologize to Ariana for their behaviour with her upon encountering the two of them kissing however, at no point does Ariana's mother come forward to apologize to Rukhsana for the harmful beliefs she held at the beginning. 

Sabina Khan's novel, while very much about Rukshana, is also a love letter to Bengali culture and traditions. While I haven't been to Bangladesh in over two years now, the writing transported me right back to the busy roads of Dhaka feeling as though you'll never reach your destination in the throes of traffic. The dawaats, grand outfits and flashy malls filled me with joy because this is the part of my childhood that I resonate with. 

The book end on a hopeful note with Rukhsana navigating her trauma and life while the community around her seems to be evolving to understand more about the sexual identity. The ending was crafted deliciously with light moments fleeting by while the family comes to terms with the past few months and opens up to each other.

A timely and honest coming-of-age story that explores the complicated relationship between identity, culture, family, and love. Seventeen-year-old Rukhsana Ali tries her hardest to live up to her conservative Muslim parents' expectations, but lately she's finding that impossible to do. She rolls her eyes when they blatantly favour her brother and saves her crop tops and makeup for parties her parents don't know about. If she can just hold out another few months, Rukhsana will be out of her familial home and away from her parents' ever-watchful eyes at Caltech, a place where she thinks she can finally be herself. But when she is caught kissing her girlfriend Ariana, her devastated parents take Rukhsana to Bangladesh, where everything she had been planning is out of reach. There, immersed in a world of tradition and arranged marriages, Rukhsana finds the perspective she's been looking for in her grandmother's old diary. The only question left for her to answer is: Can she fight for the life she wants without losing her family in the process?

Flavia Louise

This book is incredibly heavy. I cried multiple times while reading it because I was very emotionally involved in the characters. Please be cautious going into this book as it features a lot of triggering content.

Alexa Jade

Its always great to read from someone else’s perspective so I appreciate that. 

This book, however, was more of a flop for me.

Ambreen Hasan

Yeah. This one hurt.

I took a star off because I didn't think the writing was very well done. It could definitely use a few more edits since things just seemed all over the place.

Grace O'Callaghan

CW: Islamophobia, homophobia, colorism, exorcism, child abuse, domestic abuse, sexual assault, starvation, drugging, violence, murder

- Please note that this is not an ownvoices review on the Bengali representation

This is not one of those 2 star reviews where it was just a book I disliked. This was one of those books where I loved some parts and hated others, and the bits I didn’t like won slightly. 

Rukhsana Ali lives in a household that she knows won’t accept her if she comes out as gay. But when her mother walks in on her kissing her girlfriend, they go to Bangladesh to try to marry her off.

Like a lot of people, I found the writing to be not great. It was very disjointed with too much telling and not enough showing. I also found the dialogue to not be the most natural.

I found the majority of the characters to be pretty forgettable and not have much substance to them. Rukhsana and her grandmother were definitely the most fleshed out. 

My favourite part about the book was Rukhsana’s relationship with her grandmother. I loved how strong their connection was and that Rukhsana has someone who loved her for who she was amongst all the people trying to change her.

I really appreciated seeing ownvoices Bengali representation. I loved learning about different wedding traditions and food. I’m not sure if the liking girls part is ownvoices, but it was done well in my opinion.

There’s also no one representation of a Bengali person in this book. We see many that are accepting of LGBTQ+ people and some that aren’t. They’re never painted as evil, but just something they’ve been taught to believe. Rukhsana talks about feeling like she has to represent her whole community when she’s hanging around her friends and how that’s a lot to put on to one person.

A lot of my issues with this book revolve around the pacing and plot. I found the book to be very repetitive with its arguments. I understand that they’re not solved in one conversation, but we kept having scenes where people would argue and nothing new was brought up.

My biggest gripe with this book was the ending. If you’ve read it you know what I’m talking about, but the thing that happened felt extremely cheap and glossed over. The whole ending just felt very rushed and I hated how it wrapped up into a nice neat bow.

There are a lot of heavy topics in this book and I think the majority of them are dealt with with care. However I feel like the tone of the book didn’t know what it wanted to be. As the writing was so disjointed, something bad would happen and in the next scene it was all happy families and going shopping. There was no smooth tonal shift so I almost got whiplash.

All in all, I think this book has a lot of things going for it but the bad outweighed the good in my opinion. I’d still recommend to someone looking for Bengali, Muslim and/or lesbian representation, or for anyone that wants a book that deals with some hard topics well.

Tiffany Robinson

I could not get into this book. I felt like I never go t to know any of the characters and the relationship the main character and her girlfriend felt forced and I felt like it was there to just cause drama because I never really got to know them as a couple

First of all, this book BROKE MY HEART. It frustrated me, it made me cry, and it gave me anxiety. Any book that makes me feel as much as this one did deserves at least 4 stars.

However, I don't think I can give it more than that. I originally had it set at 5 stars, actual rating 4.5, but the more I thought about the last 1/3 of the book, the more I dislike it. Major spoilers ahead:

(view spoiler)[My problem with the book starts at the twist, when Sohail is murdered for being gay. This revelation shocks Rukhsana's family and their Bengali community, and causes a massive change of heart in Rukhsana's parents and close family. I have several problems with this. 1) Can we PLEASE stop killing off gay characters to further the main plot? His death was senseless and only used to make Rukhsana's family evolve in their beliefs. 2) How did anyone know he was killed for being gay? Neither his family nor Rukhsana's family knew he was gay. Somehow, the families found out at the wedding that he'd been killed because of that, which makes no sense. It's not like his body was found with a slur carved on it, and it's never revealed whether or not the group of men was caught to give a motive, etc. It could've been a random attack for all they know, but they somehow know it's because he was gay? Nonsensical. 3) This leads to such a massive change of heart from Rukhsana's parents that I got whiplash. Like yeah, something like that would really put things into perspective, but these people were straight up manipulative and evil. They lied to their daughter about her grandmother's health to get her to Bangladesh, they locked her in her room for days during which she effectively starves herself out of protest, then they drug her and have someone come in to perform basically an exorcism on her!! And suddenly, they have a total change of heart because someone else is killed for being gay, as if they'd never heard of such a thing before? 
 4) Finally, I don't presume to know the author's sexual orientation, but she is married to a man. 
 It puts a bad taste in my mouth that a het-partnered woman wrote this kind of plot point. (hide spoiler)]

Thoughts about Ariana: (view spoiler)[Obviously I hated the parents and everything they did to Rukhsana, but I also found myself hating Ariana. She was so hot and cold with Rukhsana and her lack of attempting to understand her really soured me on their relationship. Rukhsana kept talking about how amazing she was, but it was never shown in the book. She kept behaving as if Rukhsana weren't still a teenager living in her parents' house. As a teenager, I sure as shit knew that some friends' parents were stricter than mine, and I never held that against them because it's literally not their fault! I especially got pissed off when Ariana got mad at Rukhsana when they kept extending their stay in Bangladesh. How the HELL is that Rukhsana's fault? I'm not sure if we were meant to like Ariana and see where she was coming from or not, but if we were, it was definitely not effective imo. So either she's just a shitty character, or she was poorly written. (hide spoiler)]

Despite my SERIOUS objection with the first spoiler (and my annoyance w/ the second spoiler), I did like quite a lot of things about the book, hence my high rating. For instance, I LOVE that Rukhsana was unapologetically a lesbian, and the word was used frequently (along w/ gay) throughout the book. There was never any question of her identity. She met several men throughout the book, and she acknowledged that they were good looking and nice people, but her orientation never wavered. It seems weird to point this out, but with so much current LGBT+ media focusing on fluidity/general "queerness" especially in women, it was refreshing to read this in a YA novel, especially one written by someone who's not a lesbian.

I also really loved how immersive the book was in Bengali culture. The book was stuffed with references to food, drink, cultural items, and traditions that I knew nothing about, and it was so fun to read and learn!

So yeah, I have a lot of feelings about this book. I do think it's a very enriching and interesting book, and I would've given it 5 stars if it weren't for the last 1/3 or so.

Fallon Nicole

** spoiler alert **
           Spoilers: BYG, hate crime, etc. 

So I knew this was going to deal with homophobia but I wasn't expecting what happened towards the end. I was shocked but still loved it and would recommend it to anyone looking for a book about South Asians, Muslims, or with a lesbian main character (just with a heads up).

Kimberlee Southard

I loved the themes and representation in this book. I loved the setting and food descriptions. I wished there was even more. I picked the book because of its unique (for YA) setting. 

The beginning of the book was very slow and the scenes began to feel very repetitive. 

I thought Ariana, the girlfriend, was kind of annoying. I was actually hoping for them not to reunite in the end, but decide to stay friends. She just wasn't fleshed out enough as a character before her and Rukhsana started having issues. There was nothing there for me to root for. She wasn't even the character that Rukhsana relied on emotionally. She was more of a plot device than a person.

The dialogue came off as inauthentic in a lot of places, not eye-roll worthy bad, but enough that it was distracting sometimes. 

Some of her friendships developed so fast I found it truly unbelievable. I like Sohail, but did not believe they would have been such fast allies. I also didn't really buy that he needed (**SPOILERS FOLLOW**) to pretend to be engaged to Rukhsana to get out of his situation. The friendship with Ifran and Sara also happened and deepened too fast to be believed. 

Though the quick and deep method of relationships might just be Rukhsana's way because she also forgave her parents for kidnapping her, drugging her, de-jinning her, marrying her off like a commodity, holding her hostage, insulting her, silencing her, etc, etc, etc, etc so fast my head was spinning. 

I felt like the author tacked the fact that her mother was sexual abused by her father onto the end just to help ease the path to Rukhsana forgiving her, because she was a victim as well. But being a victim does not excuse victimizing in turn. 

So, overall, I liked the feeling of the book, but I also found some parts harder to swallow than others.

Beatriz

Becca Futrell

Abi Baker

Apparently, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single Bengali girl of marrying age must be in want of a husband.

content warnings: on page rape, domestic abuse, violence, homophobia, racism, death of gay character

My god, this book was beyond depressing. 

Rukhsana has her life all figured out, but her super conservative parents have other ideas for her and during the course of the book we are treated to (view spoiler)[a semi exorcism, an arranged marriage, her parents hitting her and of course the standard denial and shame surrounding her sexuality. (hide spoiler)] I fully understand that this is a reality for Bengali people/Muslims, but for some reason I was expecting this book to be a little bit more upbeat than it actually was. Rukhsana was a likeable enough protagonist though. I just wish we could have stories that aren’t quite as sad.

Geneviève Rouleau

TW : racism, domestic abuse, rape, violence, hate crimes

Rukhsana is navigating life as a queer teenager in an Indian-American family. It was such an intense rollercoaster ride, super entertaining as well as heart wrenching. This book explores various forms of relationships (friendships, romantic, family, etc.) and works hard on dismantling outdated concepts (ex : Rukshana's worth as a bride is measured by her looks and possessions, while she fights to be recognized for her accomplishments. & to like also not be married off against her will.) 

I could NOT put this book down. But even if this story ended well for Rukshana, it's the real-life story of so many girls out there. Who aren't as fortunate.

Also, the audiobook narrator (who also narrated Don't Read the Comments) is absolutely amazing!!

Erin 

I found this to be quite a difficult book to read, so I cannot imagine how it must be for people who actually would have to live through some of these events. I did however like it quite a lot, and read it in one sitting. By far, the struggle that Rukhsana has overall in this book is between her life in America and her Bangladeshi culture that she loves so much. I thought the author did a great job making her love for her culture come across in the writing, which makes the decision to have to choose that much harder. And she doesn’t necessarily have to choose either, which makes it that much more difficult and something I will never be able to understand. The writing and description of the food, however, is by far the strength of the story. It was so hard not to start salivating every time Rukhsana’s family was cooking and I think I even ordered Indian takeaway the evening I finished it.

Jessica 

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Review also found here at Booked J. 

(4.5) The review at the top of this book by Sandhya Menon should be taken as the gospel: this book will break your heart and then piece it back together again. The Love & Lies of Rukhsana Ali can be described only as this. Sabina Khan makes sure of this by crafting a story that is equally heartbreaking and heart warming.  

Readers must bring a box of tissues with them whilst embarking on this story. If you are deeply effected by emotions, this book will definitely tug you in multiple directions. The aching of the heart. Sometimes, you will smile at the sweeter moments. Other times, you will balk away from it in horror and pain. This is merely the sign of The Love & Lies of Rukhsana Ali and Khan's brilliance. 

All good literature provokes thought, and an array of feelings, and if there's one thing that this book does, it is that. Similarly as with Aisha Saeed's 2014 (?) novel Written in the Stars, this novel is not an easy one to read. But, it is a highly worthwhile read to expose yourself to if possible. 

While Khan's prose is easy to get lost within, the central story arches vary from the sweetly toned coming of age elements (first love) to tangles of many other difficult topics (such as homophobia, racism, arranged marriages, kidnapping, an instance in which the main character is drugged, a journal entry that addresses sexual violence that took place against the main character's family and more) that will likely make your stomach churn. 

I had to put this book down several times whilst reading it but this was certainly something that led to the highly potent impact the story had on me emotionally. I couldn't stop thinking about it and it's taken me a couple of days to sort out my emotions towards the novel itself. Here's what I know: I will never, ever forget The Love & Lies of Rukhsana Ali. 

This is definitely a must-read release of 2019. However, it is also a highly triggering read that I am not able to recommend for everyone and there's no going around that fact. Due to this, look up above at the topics previously mentioned and proceed with caution if you feel these topics aren't going to trigger you.

Beth Bartholomew

I absolutely loved this book, it was such an enjoyable and educational read. I learnt a lot about Bengali culture and what it is like to be within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum inside of that community. This book follows Rukhsana as she tries to maintain her relationship with her girlfriend, whilst also trying to be accepted by her family. 

I finished this book the same day I started it because I couldn't put it down. I felt so immersed in the story, I needed to know how it ended. It continuously shocked me and I felt my mouth hang open more than a few times! Rukhsana is constantly having to live up to the expectations set by her Muslim family and you can see this is a struggle for her as she also tries to keep hold of her own identity. 

The harrowing thing is, this story is fictional, but it is based on the facts people like Rukhsana have to live through. The difference in culture and beliefs means it is at times life-threatening to admit to being who you truly are. I felt terrified for Rukhsana for most of this book, it was so well written I felt like I was there with her. 

Sabina Khan has written an emotional story here that sheds light onto something I didn't know much about. I'm very glad I decided to pick it up to read during Pride Month.

The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali

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