Patrick Weekes

The Paladin Caper

W. J. Long III

The ambitious conclusion to the best fantasy series I have ever had the pleasure of reading.

Tess

I loved this series and am going to miss this crazy band of underdog heroes. It's going on my favorite shelves and i already want to listen to these books again.

Sarah Escorsa

Okay. So I originally gave this book a 4-star rating. But then I thought to my little self: to hell with it, let's go for 5 dazzling, glorious stars. Yeah, I'm generous like that. And you might think that it has something to do with the wonderfully delightful Holiday Spirit, and all the positive feelings floating around at this time of the year. Yeah, you might think that. And you might be very wrong. Because, frankly, all that luuurrvvvve is in the air crap is making me shudder. But I digress. Where were we? Oh yes, I finally went for a 5-star rating. Why? Because this series is awesome. And because I love every single character in it. I don't care whether they're good or bad. I don't care what they do. I don't care how they do it. I don't care where they do it. I LOVE them all (view spoiler)[← yes, I hate all the silly luuurrvvvve is in the air business but LUUUURRRVVVE the greatest gang of misfits ever. See? I have feelings, too. Sometimes (hide spoiler)]. And the moral of this paragraph is: no matter what happens, this series always makes me feel like:



So 5 stars it is. Come to think of it, I should make it 6 stars. Because character development in this instalment is nothing short of amazing. Check this out:

★ Ululenia turning evil unicorn and embracing her dark, more sexed up than ever side? Brilliant. Gone are the pretty unicorn days of arrogant apple, babbling brook, and creeping cat. Gone are the days when all she wanted was to frolic in the forest with young, muscular virgins. Okay, so she's still into young, muscular virgins. But now she's into bloodshed, too. Ululenia 2.0? Bloody awesome, I tell you. “Perhaps I should slice open your belly and ride you as you slowly bleed to death,” Ululenia said, still crouching, “coaxing you with gentle caresses into the very motions that would send your guts spilling to the earth.”Ha. Now that's my kind of unicorn! Let me tell you, it doesn't get much better than that. Well it does, but I won't tell you. Because spoilers. You're welcome. 



★ Desidora finally accepting her death-priestess-ness (yes, there is such a thing)? Fantastic. I want to have her powers when I grow up. I mean, can you imagine being able to use your aura to turn everything and everyone into evil, dark, very bad, things? And basically squashing them to death with your thoughts? And making zombies out of fish? And having your clothes turn glossy black with silver glyphs, while your skin turns chalky white and your lips black? So cool. You gotta admit, the girl has a great sense of style.



Actually, I don't only want Desidora's powers. I want to be her, period. Because, you know, Kail is kind of interested in her. And Kail is pretty hot. In a subtle kind of way. I know, I know, let's be honest here, Kail has the subtlety of a rhinoceros. But rhinos can be sexy, too. Of course they can. Why would you ever doubt that? 

★ Kail's mother!!! What's better than a truckload of Kail's ever-subtle, ever-hilarious mother jokes? Kail's mother in the flesh!! She's awesome! She kicks ass! And she will take anybody who gets up in her face! BAHAHAHAHA, she's her very own mother joke!! To Kail's total and utter dismay obviously. Because for all his jokes about other people's mothers, Kail is overwhelming protective when it comes to mommy. So cute. Not that she needs anyone's protection, by the way. I mean, the woman can be slightly terrifying. And somewhat overbearing, too. I can't wait for her to meet dear-daughter-in-law-to-be Desidora. That should definitely make for an interesting scene.
 


★ I could go on and on and on about all the characters in this series. I could tell you how badass and cool and super clever Loch the-scout-turned-thief-turned-resident-savior-of-the-universe is. And how much I want to be her when I grow up. I could tell you there is not enough Pyvic in this story. And that I'm kind of in love with him, despite his NOT being an asshole. I could tell you how much I love Tern. And what an awesomely cute couple she and Hessler make (view spoiler)[(yes, this is really me saying this, not my evil twin. This series has the weirdest effect on me. I should be puking at so much cuteness right now, but no. I'm actually reveling in it. Scary, isn't it?) (hide spoiler)]. I could tell you that Icy is full of surprises. And that I love him more with each new instalment. I could tell you that Dairy is still the naïve teenager we once knew, but not really. And that interspecies love is a thing. I could tell you that hammers and axes make for fantastic characters. And that they are the coolest villains ever. And finally, I could tell you that not all characters named Ethel look like this:



Please don't tell me you don't know who this ↑↑ is. I might have to unfriend you if you do.

At this point, those who haven't read this book (view spoiler)[
  
 (hide spoiler)] might be wondering if there is actually a story here. Oh ye of little faith. This is the Rogues of the Republic we're talking about, people. OF COURSE there is a story. It's just that I can't tell you about it. Because, in pure Weekes fashion, it's all twist twist twist, surprise surprise surprise, gasp gasp gasp, revelation revelation revelation, and then some. So it's not that I don't want to tell you about the story. It's just that I can't. For your own sake. Wow. I'm so thoughtful and kind-hearted all of a sudden. The Holiday Spirit must be getting to me *shudders* But anyway. One thing is clear: the fact that the reader knows there will be tons of unexpected developments along the way doesn't make them any less enjoyable. Because Weekes is talented like that. And the book is all awesomeness and coolness from beginning to end.

What? You still want to know what the story is about? Sigh. You people are going to be the death of me. If I wasn't so lazy and inconsiderate, I'd treat you with a story recap. It would probably be something like this: so Loch and crew are now spoiler-spoiler-spoiler, so they have to spoiler-spoiler-spoiler in order to spoiler-spoiler-spoiler. But it won't be easy because spoiler-spoiler-spoiler, and now that spoiler-spoiler-spoiler, well, you know, spoiler-spoiler-spoiler. Wow. Pretty crazy stuff. Thankfully enough, spoiler-spoiler-spoiler. And then spoiler-spoiler-spoiler does spoiler-spoiler-spoiler. Talk about a twist. Especially when spoiler-spoiler-spoiler. To think I was a little in love with spoiler-spoiler-spoiler. Sigh. It's a good thing spoiler-spoiler-spoiler finally managed to spoiler-spoiler-spoiler. And started glowing from spoiler-spoiler-spoiler. Then spoiler-spoiler-spoiler went and spoiler-spoiler-spoiler with spoiler-spoiler-spoiler. And finally, everybody had a glass of wine. 

 

Hey, you're the ones who wanted to know about the story, so don't come complaining now. Besides, I do what I can with the feeble intellectual means at my disposal. So stop criticizing and start thanking. You bunch of ungrateful people.

And the moral of this review is: it is now the time for me to threaten Patrick Weekes with bodily harm. Yes, you read that right. Why would I want to hurt the author of one of my favorite series ever, you ask? Because if Mr Weekes doesn't write another instalment in this series, I might not survive. Because I already miss Loch, Pyvic, Kail, Ululenia, Diz, and the rest of the gang. Because I want to know what happens next. Because, surely, the end of the world is near. Again. And only the greatest crew ever put together could save it. So get to work, Mr Weekes. Humanity needs you! Unicorns need you! And so do talking power tools! 

· Book 1: The Palace Job ★★★★★
· Book 2: The Prophecy Con ★★★★

The Paladin Caper

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