Anna Marie Tendler

A powerful memoir that reckons with mental health as well as the insidious ways men impact the lives of women.

In early 2021, popular artist Anna Marie Tendler checked herself into a psychiatric hospital following a year of crippling anxiety, depression, and self-harm. Over two weeks, she underwent myriad psychological tests, participated in numerous therapy sessions, connected with fellow patients and experienced profound breakthroughs, such as when a doctor noted, “There is a you inside that feels invisible to those looking at you from the outside.”

In Men Have Called Her Crazy, Tendler recounts her hospital experience as well as pivotal moments in her life that preceded and followed. As the title suggests, many of these moments are impacted by men: unrequited love in high school; the twenty-eight-year-old she lost her virginity to when she was sixteen; the frustrations and absurdities of dating in her mid-thirties; and her decision to freeze her eggs as all her friends were starting families.

This stunning literary self-portrait examines the unreasonable expectations and pressures women face in the 21st century. Yet overwhelming and despairing as that can feel, Tendler ultimately offers a message of hope. Early in her stay in the hospital, she says, “My wish for myself is that one day I’ll reach a place where I can face hardship without trying to destroy myself.” By the end of the book, she fulfills that wish.

A Memoir

Men Have Called Her Crazy

Lindsay

I'm afraid I will not be able to finish the program, which triggers the greater fear that I will not be able to finish anything. My life feels like a series of starts and stops, walking road after road hoping to find the one that leads to something meaningful. Yet, when I come to an intersection, instead of walking straight, I unfailingly turn left, beginning all over in a new direction.

I had, in my mid-twenties, eventually finish my bachelor's degree which allowed me to apply to graduate school. But that feels like a minor victory in the midst of constant failure. I have never truly felt good at any of the things I started, so I abandon them when the weight of mediocrity, or worse inability, becomes too overwhelming. 

I identified deeply with the habit, as if it were a core part of my personality that had to be known by the men who saw me naked. I rarely told female friends. I could speak about my emotions more freely with women, and so this information seemed less relevant to their understanding of me. But with men, I felt they had to know in order to take my emotions seriously. I relied on this attention from men as validation of their feelings for me, because I didn't trust I could get their attention any other way.

Here's the thing about men lying to women while telling them that they are crazy or overreacting: The lying, the underplaying on their side, makes us doubt our intuition and intelligence. So eventually, when suspicions are confirmed, when we find out that we have been correct all along, we do go batshit fucking crazy, and it is warranted.

'Epiphanies are phenomena common to people who are overcoming addiction or mental health issues,' the chaplain says from a very small pulpit. 'Perhaps it is an epiphany that led you here. Or maybe you've had an epiphany regarding your recovery since you've been here. Epiphanies are divine messages from God.'

Silently, in my mind, I correct her. Actually, according to the psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, epiphanies generate from hard unconscious work the mind is doing while it rests. Rest creates space for unconscious thought to reach the surface of consciousness. All of the sudden, or so it seems, we have a great idea. It's not God, it's a confluence of so many factors: hard work, rest, necessity, intelligence, time, to name a few.

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