Harriet Lerner

"Lerner has been studying apologies--and why some people won't give them--for more than two decades. Now she offers ... stories and ... theory that bring home how much the simple apology matters and what is required for healing when the hurt we've inflicted (or received) is far from simple. Readers will learn how to craft a deeply meaningful 'I'm sorry' and avoid apologies that only deepen the original injury

Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

Why Won't You Apologize?

Amelia

Perhaps the most painful issue in the apology lexicon is coming to terms with the nonrepentant wrong- doer. This is a universal human challenge for which forgiveness is the prescribed solution of the day. Yet as we'll see, you do not need to forgive the person who has hurt you in order to free yourself from obsessive anger and bitterness. Indeed, sometimes you have to be brave enough to resist pressure from the forgiveness cops.

It’s incredibly difficult to listen to someone's pain when that someone is accusing us of causing it. We automatically listen for and react to what is unfair and incorrect. To listen with an open heart and ask questions to better help us understand the other person is a spiritual exercise, in the truest sense of the word.

Being a good listener also means that we can tell the other person when we can't listen that we know when to say, "Not now or "Not in this way." When we tolerate rudeness in any relationship-if doing so becomes habitual rather than a rare eventwe erode our own self-regard and diminish the other person by not reaching for their competence to do better. Plus, there is nothing compassionate about letting a person go on and on when the conversation is at our expense or we just can't listen anymore.

No one aspires to be phony, or to hang out in a relationship where they can't be real. Intimacy in family and friendship reguires that we can deepen and refine the truths we tell each other, and that we can bring our full selves into the relationship. Yet there is nothing honest about a life lived on automatic pilot where doing what comes naturally will naturally go nowhere or make things worse. Indeed, changing how we habit- ually behave in any relationship often requires an ini- tial willingness to pretend, to do something different that may at first feel nothing like being one's true self.

 The best apologies are offered by people who understand that it is important to be one- self, but equally as important to choose the self that we want to be.

Letting go means protecting ourselves from corrosive effects of staying stuck. Chronic anger and bitterness dissipate our energy and sap our creativity the to say nothing of ruining an otherwise good day. If nonproductive anger keeps us stuck in the past, we can't fully inhabit the present, nor can we move for- ward into the future with our full potential for opti- mism and joy. There is a difference between healthy anger that preserves the dignity and integrity of the self, and ruminative anger that wakes us up at three in the morning to nurse past and present grievances and drum up fantasies of revenge. The latter accomplishes nothing except to make us unhappy. 

You do not need to forgive a person who has hurt you in order to free yourself from the pain of negative emotions. You can even reacha place of love and compassion for the wrongdoer with- out forgiving a particular action or inaction. You are not a less loving or whole person if there are certain things you do not forgive, and certain people whom you choose not to see. Perhaps you are even a stronger or more courageous person if you have leftover anger whether from one violation or countless little micro- violations, even as you move on.

A wholehearted apology means valuing the relationship, and accepting responsibility for out part without a hint of evasion, excuse-making, or blaming Sometimes the process is less about insisting on justice and more about investing in the relationship and the other person's happiness. It's about accepting the people you love as they are, as I did with Sheila, and having the maturity to apologize for our part even when the other person's feelings seem exaggerated, or they can't see their own contribution to the problem. 

Lead with your heart and not your attack dog. It's difficult and it's worth it. The courage to apologize, and the wisdom and clarity to do so wisely and well, is at the heart of effective leadership, coupledom, parenting, friendship, personal integrity, and what we call love. It's hard to imagine what matters more than that.

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