Zaina Arafat

A novel of self-discovery following a Palestinian-American girl as she navigates queerness, love addiction and a series of tumultuous relationships' The Millions, One of the Most Anticipated Books of the Year Told in vignettes that flash between the US and the Middle East, Zaina Arafat's powerful debut novel traces her protagonist's progress from blushing teen to creative and confused adulthood. In Brooklyn, she moves into an apartment with her first serious girlfriend and tries to content herself with their comfortable relationship. Soon, her longings, so closely hidden during her teenage years, explode out into reckless romantic encounters and obsessions with other people which results in her seeking unconventional help to face her past traumas and current demons. Opening up the fantasies and desires of one young woman caught between cultural, religious and sexual identities, You Exist Too Much is a captivating story charting two of our most intense longings - for love, and a place to call home.

You Exist Too Much

Ellie 

“I wasn't prepared for the unbearable pain I would fee when it was a woman I fancled myself in love with.“

“I'd scroll through pictures of friends clustered together in both familiar and exotic locations, announcements of new relationships and engagements. I craved a normal social life, a normal life, or at least a job that didn't completely preclude me from having one.

But the sting of alienation was outweighed by the ecstasy of performance, its unrelenting command of attention.”

"Your worries are like water," she often said. "The moment one flows out, another floods in to fill the space."

"Love addicts have an uncontrollable appetite for the object of their affection."

"When love addicts reach a certain level of closeness with their actual partner, they often do something to create distance. Frightened by healthy intimacy, they devote an obsessive amount of time, attention, and value to someone who cannot or will not love them back.”

“Unable to be present in their own relationship, they find an escape hatch to numb the pain.” 

“I focused my gaze on the floor. It was as if by not looking at anyone, they couldn't see me either.”

“While love addicts turn to a person as a drug of choice for soothing the pain of their difficult relationships with themselves, the absence of healthy self-love is itself codependency.“

“I stared at the clock as the minute hand eclipsed the hour hand for the third time and decided that only a white man would feel comfortable taking up so much space, glanced around the room.”

“I felt guilty laughing along. But I was afraid if I didn't, they would see through my secret.“

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