Zaina Arafat

For fans of Garth Greenwell and Weike Wang, a startling debut novel of desire and doubleness following the life of a young Palestinian-American woman caught between cultural, religious, and sexual identities

You Exist Too Much

Bethany Jenkins

I smiled as my eyes filled with tears. One escaped onto my tilapia. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t know what’s happening to me.”

“Please don’t cry.” Her voice turned bitter as she shook her head. “Please don’t fucking cry. Please stop fucking crying!” She slammed her palm on the table, wine leaped from her glass.

I sniffled and snorted and tried to suck back snot and tears, which only made me cry harder. I’m aware I can be exhausting—“you exist too much,” my mother often told me.

“I’m sorry,” I said to Kate, “I’ll stop, I’m stopping.” Deep breath, throat clear. Wobbling smile. “Okay. I’m better.”

Sashi

Our abrupt ending left me feeling abandoned, and the pain of it was unbearable. I needed an explanation. I needed to know that it wasn't my fault.

He smiled, and his white beard spread like smoke. "You'll find that having someone who has a claim on you, and who you can claim, it's one of the greater things in life.”

Every country outside of my own felt like a luxury, and at twenty-three, I wanted to indulge. In a way I felt I deserved to.

Reminded about how some people think bi men are actually gay men and bi women are straight girls who want to seem more interesting. Like it is so hard to understand not everyone crave the presence of a man.

To be a woman who desired other women seemed even worse, especially shameful and shocking in its lack of reverence for the male-centric culture. Why would you want to exclude men, the stronger, better gender, from the equation?

We watched at a cool remove while enjoying the comforts of our Amnerican suburb, seemingly untouched, oblivious of the underlying trauma.

A really good description on mother-daughter dynamic: mother only puts up with daughter when she lives up to the standard, daughter couldn’t fulfill mother’s expectations but continues to seek mother’s approval, mother believes no one will love her ‘imperfect’ daughter as much as she did.

"I don't care what you choose to do anymore," she said, and I crumbled. I needed her to care. Worse than anger was indifference: her approval was my compass, even when that meant resisting it. She then shot me a piercing look before shutting the cab door. "Good luck finding someone to love you like I did.”

Maybe I could love her from a distance and keep myself intact. Maybe I needed to protect myself against debilitating and devastating heartbreak. Maybe I thought that was possible.

Such a simple but gut-wrenching line. Really set the tone of the story.

Look at me, I wanted to say to her then. Please don't look away.

It occurred to me in that moment to question why, as a man, his bare legs were somehow less troubling than mine. It was a double standard, a shame I had simply accepted until then. In acquiring my gender, I had become offensive.

A novel of self-discovery following a Palestinian-American girl as she navigates queerness, love addiction and a series of tumultuous relationships' The Millions, One of the Most Anticipated Books of the YearTold in vignettes that flash between the US and the Middle East, Zaina Arafat's powerful debut novel traces her protagonist's progress from blushing teen to creative and confused adulthood.In Brooklyn, she moves into an apartment with her first serious girlfriend and tries to content herself with their comfortable relationship. Soon, her longings, so closely hidden during her teenage years, explode out into reckless romantic encounters and obsessions with other people which results in her seeking unconventional help to face her past traumas and current demons.Opening up the fantasies and desires of one young woman caught between cultural, religious and sexual identities, You Exist Too Much is a captivating story charting two of our most intense longings - for love, and a place to call home.

Ellie 

“But growing up in her house, subjected to her erratic rages, a didn't have the energy. I was exhausted just trying to survive.“

““It would be great to have a daughter," Matlas says. “I’d  want her to be just like you."

In bed that night, he places his hands on my cheeks, looks me in the eye, and tells me he loves me. immediately push his hands away and turn my head, "Don't say that" I tell him.

"Why not?" he asks. "Don't you feel the same?"

"I mean, don't say it that way, right now." I know that I need this from him- love- but I also need it to be real this time, and not an outcome of passion, or jealousy, or control. I need it to just be.”

“"Is that okay?" I ask, worried that I've revealed too much. Surprisingly, it often isn't, at least not for men. At first its a turn-on; they ask many questions, have you ever done this, would you ever try that, would I be allowed to watch sometime, and could we ever do a threesome? Then it becomes a problem, as everyone starts to seem like a threat to him, both men and women. Soon insecurity consumes the relationship and it crumbles around me.”

“But I remember. Perhaps because I want to. I can just as east forget when I want.“

“And yet what's more ordinary than an unattainable crush? Is there anything more familiar, anything less extraordinary?“

“Everything inside me was beating: my heart, my chest, my throat. This wasn't normal: I shouldn't have gotten so upset, I shouldn't have lost control the way I did.

I needed help, I thought to myself, and then remembered that I was getting help. But it just didn't feel like I was getting any better. I thought of that slogan: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I never confessed, I just hoped the feelings would go away. But instead they spread like, disease, rushing through my veins and lining my stomach unti I felt nauseated. I then stopped and stood still as another slogan seeped into my head: Secrets keep us sick.”

“You remind me of me.Or the me that I might've been, if my mom didn’t insist on whipping me into who she wanted me to be. I guess I miss that dher version of myself, even though it sort of terrifies me.“

“Maybe I didn't want the professor to end up like the real people in my life. The people I kept things from because I couldn’t face them myself. Maybe she offered the possibility of escape.“

“We laughed and kept holding on to each other. Besides, we both knew it was too late: we had already started to shatter.”

“I admit that in the years since 2003, I've begun to expect sig-nifcantly more when it comes to knowledge about the Middle East. I'm troubled by the number of people who lump all Arabs and Muslims into one large, threatening category, support U.S. intervention in the region under the guise of "spreading democracy," without any contextual understanding of the situation on the ground, and vote for xenophobic, uninformed candidates who also have limited knowledge of the region. My expectation is in some ways hypocritical, as I myself have displayed a great lack of political and cultural knowledge in the Middle East. In moments of fury my mother has suggested I write a book called The Way It Should Be for Everybody but Me.”

“I'm aware I can be exhausting. "You should exhausting-"you exist too much," my mother often told me.“

“As love addicts begin to develop a relationship with the object of their affection, she wrote, they stop seeing who that person actually is, but instead focus on a fantasy image, which they place like a beautiful mask over the head of the real human being.“

“I didn't have to do a thing to be loved, I just had to be. But as I got older the same people who'd kissed and pinched my cheeks would try to talk to me, assuming that I possessed her charming attributes only to discover that I didn't. My conversation was awkward, my gestures uncertain -a handshake or air kisses, and if the latter, two kisses or three? As an adult, my presence was off-putting.

I took a deep breath and tried again. "When you told me you were beautiful and I was average, I felt bad, because that's true, and I can't believe you would actually say it to me." My chest was heaving up and down, little bubbles rising like in water about to boil, rushing to the surface and popping in my throat.”

“"We wear masks to. protect ourselves, but they also keep us from being vulnerable," Richard announced the first week. "They keep us from achieving intimacy?"”

the complexity between a mom and her daughter's relationship always left me stunned and attacked when i read some sentences in this book that i could relate to. also, i love the way the writer describes what happened in palestine. it breaks my heart so much, along with the main character's stories that are just so... intense. despite not knowing the character's name, i do wish nothing but happiness surrounded her. she deserved to be loved.

love, kinanti

I really enjoyed some parts of this book and other parts were overwhelming for me. Overall, this being a story of a queer Palestinian woman was a big push for me to give this a read. 

Generally, I think it explores some heavier themes about what it means to be someone’s daughter and what kind of love you crave when it might be missing elsewhere. I couldn’t relate when it came to the relationship parts and relatability is not essential for every book, so it provided a perspective I normally couldn’t imagine myself. 

My biggest personal problem was how quickly perspectives and storytelling switched up with the narrator but it was reflective of how messy and disastrous parts of herself and her experiences could be. I think that reflection of the parts she was scared to share with others bleed into how much I felt I genuinely knew about her. Some loose ends weren’t really tied up and it just felt like this narrative and person would continue to experience without noticeable change since all her battles were going to be lifelong struggles. 

I really enjoyed some parts of this book and other parts were overwhelming for me. Overall, this being a story of a queer Palestinian woman was a big push for me to give this a read. 

Generally, I think it explores some heavier themes about what it means to be someone’s daughter and what kind of love you crave when it might be missing elsewhere. I couldn’t relate when it came to the relationship parts and relatability is not essential for every book, so it provided a perspective I normally couldn’t imagine myself. 

My biggest personal problem was how quickly perspectives and storytelling switched up with the narrator but it was reflective of how messy and disastrous parts of herself and her experiences could be. I think that reflection of the parts she was scared to share with others bleed into how much I felt I genuinely knew about her. Some loose ends weren’t really tied up and it just felt like this narrative and person would continue to experience without noticeable change since all her battles were going to be lifelong struggles. 

Fucking loved it. Brilliant, poignant, and beautiful. Like listening to your best friend tell you a story, or write you a lovingly long decadent letter that tastes like cherry jam and dark forest chocolate cake. 

Jessica 

armoni mayes

You exist too much  is a novel about a 20-something year old Palestinian American girl who is trying to navigate through her tumultuous relationship with her mother as well as her love obsession with people who will not ever give her the love she wants back. Our main character is bisexual (but maybe pansexual?) which causes an obvious strife with her and her religious mother, who also may have undiagnosed bipolar disorder from what it sounds like. 

I really did enjoy this novel, especially some of the main characters inner dialogue that sounded like comphet. It was also quite funny. 

some of my favorite quotes:

 I winced with fear and a fleeting disgust. A relationship with a woman meant failure: I had failed to get a man, failed to find something normal, failed to not be pathetic.

I’d been clinging to her I-love-yous like a refugee clings to a threatened nationality. They were the homeland that validated my existence. 

Without the security of a relationship, longing felt less safe. It felt lonely.

Rebecca Lum

Zaina Arafat’s debut novel kept me on the edge of my seat, eager to follow the life of her unnamed protagonist. Arafat does a fantastic job of creating a rich character, one who is not always likable, but the weaving of stories from her past and present makes her choices believable. The writing wasn’t anything inspiring, I didn’t find myself drooling over any particular phrases, but her character was incredibly compelling, reminding me it’s ok to make messy choices. 

cedar winslow

3.5 stars
I enjoyed this for the most part. My main problem was that the last third of the book (particularly the bits about Matias and Tara) felt a bit repetitive, dragged out, and frustrating. I felt like they slowed down the momentum of the book a bit without adding much to the narrative. I liked the ending and felt it was fitting for the story, but overall the final impression upon reading this is of slightly less excitement and enjoyment than I experienced reading the first two thirds of the story.

SOLID READ! loved the unabashed imperfections of the nameless main character, almost got #emo finishing it bc i was drawn so intimately to her thoughts mistakes and relentless retrials🙏 kept it #real all throughout (half star off bc that one married dude pissed me off beyond repair 🤣🤷‍♀️) 

sophie yang 

A “provocative and seductive debut” of desire and doubleness that follows the life of a young Palestinian American woman caught between cultural, religious, and sexual identities as she endeavors to lead an authentic life (O, The Oprah Magazine). On a hot day in Bethlehem, a 12–year–old Palestinian–American girl is yelled at by a group of men outside the Church of the Nativity. She has exposed her legs in a biblical city, an act they deem forbidden, and their judgement will echo on through her adolescence. When our narrator finally admits to her mother that she is queer, her mother’s response only intensifies a sense of shame: “You exist too much,” she tells her daughter. Told in vignettes that flash between the U.S. and the Middle East—from New York to Jordan, Lebanon, and Palestine—Zaina Arafat’s debut novel traces her protagonist’s progress from blushing teen to sought–after DJ and aspiring writer. In Brooklyn, she moves into an apartment with her first serious girlfriend and tries to content herself with their comfortable relationship. But soon her longings, so closely hidden during her teenage years, explode out into reckless romantic encounters and obsessions with other people. Her desire to thwart her own destructive impulses will eventually lead her to The Ledge, an unconventional treatment center that identifies her affliction as “love addiction.” In this strange, enclosed society she will start to consider the unnerving similarities between her own internal traumas and divisions and those of the places that have formed her. Opening up the fantasies and desires of one young woman caught between cultural, religious, and sexual identities, You Exist Too Much is a captivating story charting two of our most intense longings—for love, and a place to call home.

A Novel

Sarai Johnson

Glad I suffered through the first third. It gets better, more lush with feeling than the opening which feels amateur. I wonder if it could have used another revision… or if parts of it were added at the insistence of an editor. The revelations about the mother feel unearned and unrelated to what’s happening in the other relationships… though they are clearly related and pivotal. I loved the book for its revelations, not so much for how we arrive there…

A.L.L.

It's a good persepective and thought piece. It doesn't feel like fiction. I had trouble relating but maybe that is the beauty of a book like this.

Maria Davis 

perfectly captures the emotions of feeling torn between two worlds not really belonging to either. Torn between two ethnicities, two identities, two cultures without feeling like you belong to either. Also perfectly captures the feeling of how difficult relationships with your mother can be. How she can criticise every decision you make but you will still strive to please her and make her proud. Despite there being so many differences between me and the main character I related to so many of her struggles. Also love the fact she remained unnamed throughout the book and how smoothly it switched between past and present

I liked it, though I'm not sure that I like how the author handled the idea of "romance addiction." But I'm not a professional and it seems like something that is accepted to exist, but maybe a diagnosis is iffy? It's definitely something that you don't normally see, so that's interesting.

That said, even though I didn't particularly like the protagonist, I think Arafat did a fantastic job of laying out the scenes to depict her life in a way that can let the reader understand where she is getting the foundation for how she handles relationships. I liked the way Arafat depicted the Israel scenes and what the Palestinians encounter at the border, and how this permeates her life. I was so upset about the relationship she got into right after the treatment facility and then happy by the end, so she made me care about the outcome to the point of being frustrated with her choices but hoping it still turns out okay in the end. 

I would definitely recommend this book and will be picking up the next one she writes.

Jales

I had some mixed feelings about this one during most of the book, but at the end I kinda understood many aspects she wrote about. I believe I should’ve enjoyed more tho; there were so much the author presented, I respect a lot what she did. It deserves attention, and I will recommend to some people. 

Also, I’ll probably reread at some point with other eyes.

For now, 3.5

You Exist Too Much

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