I Was Here

Lulu Evensen

I see the ghosts of their lives unlived, and in this other case, I see the flipside: a happy, full life that might never have been

But with mental disorders, it gets thorny, because "it's in your head." Except it's not.

I never really stopped thinking about Suzy, about the article I might've written about her- the book she might've written, the band she might've fronted, the movie she might've directed-had she gotten proper treatment for the condition that had put her in such pain that ending her life seemed like the only way to relieve it.

He must've known that it was me behind this, the sunless planet who turned out to have some light left in her after all

And as it always is when I let myself be with Ben McCallister, scared is the opposite of what I feel.

But then in the New Year, she seemed to get better. Only she wasn't. She was planning her escape."

For all her talk of Meg and me being different, I think she worries that we aren't.

I don't want him to stop. Though it is painful-more than I expected it to be- I'm not crying because of how much I hurt. I'm crying because of how much I feel

Maybe that's why I hated him. Because it's not supposed to be better. And certainly not with him.

And then he opens his arms automatically, like hugging is something he does. And I step into them automatically, like being hugged is something I do. As he holds me, I cry. I cry for Meg, who is forever gone from me. 

I cry for the father I never had, and the mother I did. I cry for Ben and the family he didn't grow up with. And I cry for me.

Because I need you. That's the truth. And it's almost as frightening as what awaits me down the road. But that's not what I tell Ben.

"When your dad is an asshole from the get-go and it doesn't get more from the get-go than denying your existence- it's not because you did anything wrong. It's because he did."

"I found the part in me that was tired of living" I say quietly. "And I put her out there." I look down, unable to face their shock, or anger, or disgust. "I suppose that does make me insane."

"They are so careful- until they're not."

The animosity. It's Meg. It's the tentacles of her suicide reaching out, burning people who barely knew her.

I am disgusted to admit it to myself, but I miss the back and forth. Which really means I miss him.

"You had a pile of rocks, and you cleaned them up pretty and made a necklace. Meg got jewels, and she hung herself with them."

I recently lost someone. Someone so integral to me, it's like a part of me is gone. And now I don't know how to be anymore. If there's even a me without her. It's like she was my sun, and then my sun went out. Imagine if the real sun went out. Maybe there'd still be life on Earth, but would you still want to live here? Do I still want to live here?

The lies slip off my tongue so easily now, they barely register as untrue

"How can you say that? I don't know if she can see us. If she's up there or down there, watching us. But if she is, she's disgusted. You know that, right?"

I taste his grief and his need and his tears and my tears.

 "Cody." He whispers my name. And it's the tenderness of it that shocks me back to reality.

"She was trying to tell me," he says. "About her fucked up suicide group. She was trying to tell me."

"She was trying to tell me," Ben repeats. "In all those emails. She was trying to tell me. And I told her to leave me alone."

"Stop it! It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault.' I repeat the words that I wish someone would say to me

"Still, I'd like to be carefree like that again. I'm starting to doubt I ever was. Were you?"

"What good is all of our intelligence if it makes us crazy? I mean, other animals don't kill themselves."

Monicap

You know, I think I went into this book with pretty low expectations, as I wasn't a huge fan of If I Stay, but I wasn't pleasantly surprised.

I was a bit disconnected for the first half of the book, and I never really got a base for Meg and Cody's friendship--Like, I never realized why they were friends in the first place. Yes, they apparently told each other everything (except the whole point of this book is that they didn't), and when they were in Kindgerarten Meg drew a picture of them that said they were gonna be best friends, but I never really got it, you know? Maybe if there'd been so much as one interaction between the two of them while she was alive.

I also wasn't a huge fan of Tricia in the beginning of the book, She seemed like she was made of tropes--small-town millennial trope of got pregnant young, YA parent trope of basically not being present throughout the story--but in the end, her character really came through for me.

I LOVED Cody. Cody is sassy and impulsive and loyal and hurt and it all blends together to create such a great and real character. 

And I actually sort of was a fan of Cody and Ben's relationship. Do I recognize the fact that's it's a bit complicated because he slept with Meg, yes, but I can't help it. I think they're great together.

Alexa M

This was okay except I didn't like the main character and HATED the romance

Jordan Peet

** spoiler alert **
           ***2.5 stars***

I had really high hopes for this book. I remember first putting it on my TBR shelf, and I thought the story was going to be heartbreaking and eyeopening about suicide and depression and grief. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I believe that if I read it when I was younger, maybe around the time I added it to my shelf I would've enjoyed it more. 

The one thing I liked about this book was the mystery behind Meg's death and how Cody went through her computer to try to find out who she was talking to and why she was possibly feeling like this. I thought it was done well and it began to shed a light into what depression looks like and how sometimes it can be hard to see the signs sometimes, even if you are best friends with the person. 

I really didn't enjoy all the fluff that surrounded the main plot. The "romance" did not seem well developed, and it was weird to me that Cody was only interested in him in the beginning because of his history with Meg. Throughout the book, it seemed to me that Cody was just trying to copy Meg and not be her own person, even after her death. I know a part of her wanted to see who her friends were and what her life was like, but then it began to seem like she was trying to replace Meg throughout her life. If the book didn't show as much of her friends and "love interest", the message of depression and suicide would've been so much more clear and easier to find interesting. 

Speaking of relationships, I thought that Cody's family dynamic plot line was unnecessary and seemed really out of place. I would've really enjoyed if Cody tried to communicate with her mom and try to understand why her mom was the way she was, similar to how she tried so hard to figure out what Meg was feeling before she passed. I also thought the dad was a weird plot line to add. If Cody tried to find her dad and try to speak to him about her loss to try to get some comfort, that would've been so much better and make the subplot so much more interesting, but because she just "visited" her dad for a chapter, made it seem like the author randomly added it so the audience could be more sympathetic toward Cody. 

Finally, the writing seemed very juvenile from what I remember Gayle Forman's writing to be like. Though Cody was supposed to be around 20 years old, most of the time she sounded like she was still in high school. On the opposite end of that, Meg's younger brother (who I think was supposed to be around 10 years old) sounded so much older than Cody and seemed to understand more about what was going around him than Cody did. The writing also seemed really obvious at times. For example, one of Meg's friend was always referred to as "Stoner Richard", but throughout the scenes that he was a part of he didn't seem stoned. I would've loved to see that character since Meg seemed like the type of person to not typically spend time with someone who got stoned, but instead, I was just told that he was stoned all the time. 

Like I said previously if I read this book when I was younger, I think I would've liked it more. To me, this book was the typical YA book that mentions hard-hitting subjects such as depression and suicide, but tries to fluff it up through unneccesary romance and subplots.

Jeannette Ordas

This isn't an immediately gripping novel and it took me a while to get into it. I liked how Cody seemed real, couldn't go to college not because she wasn't smart, but because she and her waitress mom couldn't afford it. So she cleans houses in her small eastern Washington town and tries to deal with her best friend's suicide. The romance in the story felt rushed and I wasn't sure if I bought it or not. S'okay.

devin.reads

Kind of bleak and depressing (in a good way) at the start, I think this was a huge success in Gayle Forman's part, especially in tackling the relevant issue of suicide and putting ideas that need to be said out there. The story opens, progresses and closes very nicely, and I think her writing has improved so much. I've been closely following Gayle Forman over the past few years, and she never fails to disappoint. Still up there with my favorite authors of all time. And of course, what's a Gayle Forman book without the perfect fictional male character, right? First Adam, and then Will, and now we have Ben McCallister, she made me fall hard for every single one of them.

Definitely a must read! I look forward to another Gayle Forman novel, preferably soon (no pressure though.)

Siya S

2.5 stars 

Find out more at:
https://thebleedingeyes.wordpress.com/

IWH was a story about Cody and Meg, who were inseparable like peas in a pod. It should have stayed that way until the end of time, if only Meg hadn’t killed herself off in a motel room just like that. Devastated, Cody tried to cope with her loss and grieve of losing her other half to an unconventional liquid poison. When she inherited Meg’s computer and found out more about her best friend’s secret, Cody seen it as a chance to redeem herself from guilt and sadness. So the journey began, and Cody would soon learn that some secrets were deeper than she alone could handle. With the help of Meg’s roommates and the pretty music boy Ben McAllistor, Cody would learn to embrace love and friendship once again. Because life goes on, after all, even when it don’t.

Why I might like this book:

– IWH reminds me so much of I’ll Meet You There by Heather Demetrios, which is probably the best YA book I’ve read in years. It’s about being stuck in a small town feeling hopeless and weak alone. The main protagonist, living with a difficult mother in a shitty house, has to work shitty job just to get by. It’s also about finding your inner strength to fight your way through your dreams as well.Glorious, isn’t it?

– Some obscure music/ bands related

– I’m pathetic when it comes to roadtrip book. Just couldn’t resist

– It’s about a real, ongoing problem in this world. Also depression, which I have experienced it firsthand (mildly)

– Partly likable heroine, with strong personality and independent spirit (except for her relationship with Meg), although I hate the way she picked her food. NOPE.

– Very promising plot, like, there are various positive ways the story could develop into, which leads to;

Why I might not like this book:

– It was executed quite disappointingly. the story got boring at times. And at some points I wondered aloud how come it end up like that and what led to them.

– Around the last 30 pages, I’ve witnessed a slow-mo melt down of the whole story. It got more predictable and boring (cliches…cliches everywhere) as it went on. There were so much possibility when the roadtrip started. What a shame.

– Not enough music talking. And I have a feeling that Forman broke Ben’s car stereo on purpose so that she did’t have to research and write on cool indie music more that she wanted to. Roadtrip with no music sucks.

My favorite characters:

– Pete and Repeat. They’re cool names, too.

– Tricia, because she’s the most real character in this story. She’s also a cool, caring mom in her own way. I kinda like her.

Conclusion:

It was a quick read, and I can relate myself to some parts of the story which was nice. It’s one of those books that is good enough for you to read but isn’t good enough to stay with you for a long time. However, it was an easy, quick read that might teach you a thing or to about not taking your life for granted. It’s also about being strong, especially for yourself. So….why not?

Rosy 

I have never ever made a review before but I just can't let my record pass after reading this book. I need to utter my utmost disappointment. 

Seriously? The book sucks. Meg's sickness was taken so lightly and the plot about Meg and Cody being best friends since kindergarten is not felt towards the whole story. I strongly feel bad about the lack of establishment in their bonding and with Cody's emotions. Will that how your best friend from kindergarten act? Sure, Cody looked for her and even risked her life to know what Meg had gone through on those times she weren't there but in the end, it's not about Meg. The story revolved on Cody alone, her proving to herself that it wasn't her fault. Also, the thing about his father is not really well established so that in the journey on the way to All_BS' house, it almost felt like a sudden action for her. 

I had my hopes really high for this one because suicide and depression is really a heavy issue to touch but in this book, it turns out that suicide and depression is just another sickness to be put for a plot.

P.S. I ALSO HATE THE WAY IT ENDED UP IN A LOVE STORY.

Mark-Olivier

The beginning is good. Then i sort of got detached from Cody and her "quest". I didnt really understand her  motive. But then... BAM! The end. The end killed me. I did shed a tear. I really liked how it was write. We can follow Cody through the stages of grief. It's beautiful yet sad.

Please, dont let people live what the characters lived. They do care.

Gisela Ayala 

And this is why I love Gayle Forman. She writes so beautifully about something so difficult to talk about and even more difficult to understand. "I Was Here" takes a good look at the effects suicide has on the people left behind and how everyone; even people you hardly know, can become tangled in a horrible situation and still find hope. This is another book that made me aware to always be kind because you never know what people might be going through. As Forman said, "Life can hard, and beautiful, and messy, but hopefully, it will be long."

Nicole Dykeman

This book reminded me a lot of Thirteen Reasons Why. It's about the aftermath of suicide, the people who are left behind, and how they cope with everything. If there's any word I could use to describe both of these books, it would be heavy. There's a lot of emotional stuff, suspenseful stuff, and heartbreaking stuff that's in this book. There's a lot of detail about suicidal thoughts and depression and what it can do to people. But I feel like it's one of those books everyone should read. It really makes you think about the impact you can have on people's lives, whether it's in person or on the Internet. This is definitely worth a read.

jess

i liked this so much better than if i stay.

Kenzie Scholer 

The book seemed to be a really roundabout way of dealing with grief. Suicide is a hard topic, and I think this book covered the anger that people feel towards someone who gives up while also feeling guilty that they couldn’t help them. I didn’t love this book, but it had a good message.

Alice Miller

It was a good book but a slow burner for me, no real climax to it.

Krystal 

** spoiler alert **
           2.5 Listened to Audible. No no no no!! There was so much wrong with this book. 

WHY DOES SHE GET WITH A GUY HER DEAD BEST FRIEND SLEPT WITH AND BROKE HER HEART!!!!?!!

Hannah Sween

It was ok, but I felt like the ending was rushed.

Emi Gilmore 

3.5 stars. This book was truly heartbreaking, but the plot line started getting over shadowed by the romance. Also, after finishing the book, I realized that how amazing Meg was was more told about then shown.

Stefanie Sugia

"I regret to inform you that I have had to take my own life. This decision has been a long time coming, and was mine alone to make. I know it will cause you pain, and for that I am sorry, but please know that I needed to end my own pain. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. It's not your fault."Sadly, I'd have to say that this book disappoints me. Don't get me wrong, I still love Gayle Forman's writing style which I always think is beautiful; but I guess the storyline of this book doesn't really satisfy me. The book is written from the first point of view of Cody, so the readers will get to see how she felt and what she's thinking about through everything that's happened in the story. The main plot of the story is about Cody trying to find the reason why Meg did what she did, and at the same time trying to get rid of her guilt over not knowing anything about her best friend. It is indeed a very heartbreaking and depressing story; and I kept on reading because I'm eager to find out why exactly Meg decided to take her own life. Unfortunately, I find myself getting a little bored halfway through the book because I wasn't invested enough in the story or how it develops. And if you've read some other reviews on Goodreads about this book, there are some people who have issues with the romance—and I quite agree with that. I understand that both Cody and Ben both share the same guilt and regret after Meg's death, but the chemistry feels a bit off. But of course I kept on reading because I want to know how the story will end. However.... the ending doesn't satisfy me the way I hoped it would be. Not going to spoil anything in this review, but that's just how I felt about it. I'm very sad actually because I was hoping to fall in love with this book as much as other people did; but I guess the slow-paced plot just doesn't fully resonate with me :1


"Is this how it is with lies? The first one comes hard, the second one easier, until they slip off your tongue easier than truths—maybe because they're easier than truths."Aside from the disappointing factors of the book, I still find this book quite thought-provoking. I don't think I ever read any book that involves suicide before, so this is practically new for me. As much as the story focuses on revealing the story behind Meg's suicide, I think it's actually more about the story of the people left behind—especially Cody. At first Cody was just trying to find out what triggered Meg's suicide, which led her to Ben McCallister. After that Cody figured out the 'support group' that Meg was in, and found someone that she thought was responsible for Meg's suicide. And I kind of feel like Cody is trying to find someone else to blame for what has happened; to get rid of her own guilt for not noticing the signs. Which is really sad, because I'm sure nobody else blamed her except for herself. And there are moments in this book when it seems like Cody felt that she doesn't deserve to be happy after what happened to her best friend. And most importantly she felt wrong for being happy with Ben—who was important to Meg at a time. At least I'm relieved that things ended on a good note for Cody. She figured out what actually happened to her best friend and was finally able to let things go."And in that moment, I was reminded just why God wants us to forgive. Not simply because its the key to a better world, but because of what it does for ourselves. Forgiveness is God's gift to us."Even though this book was a bit of a letdown, I still find Gayle Forman's writing extremely beautiful. Through this story, I kind of get the idea of how a person's suicide will affect the people left behind—the people who have to cope with guilt, regret, and sadness because they could not prevent it from happening. And I absolutely adored what Gayle Forman wrote in the Author's Note, in which she mentioned a part of the book when Richard said that 'everyone goes there'—that everyone has ever thought about ending one's life. To be completely honest, I've been there too. There are days when I thought 'Wouldn't it be easier if life just ends right here, right now?'. But that doesn't mean I have suicidal thoughts; I never planned anything nor have I ever attempted to end my own life, because I know that life can get better and things will pass over time."When Richard says, "Everyone goes there," I think he is right. I think everyone has days or weeks so lousy, they fantasize about simply not existing. This is different from having suicidal thoughts taking over your head, having the thoughts become plans, the plans become attempts."
Overall, despite my disappointments, I think there's an important message delivered from the author through this story. It's a message for both the people who have suicidal thoughts and those who are left behind. As I've said earlier, this book is very depressing from beginning to end. And the next time Gayle Forman writes a book, I hope it'll be something uplifting, cute, and fluffy. Lastly, here's a quote by Gayle Forman that's written in the Author's Note section of the book—which I think is absolutely beautiful and is also important for everyone to know.

 ↓↓↓↓↓

"Life can be hard and beautiful and messy, but hopefully it will be long. If it is, you will see that it's unpredictable, and that the dark periods come, but they abate—sometimes with a lot of support—and the tunnel widens, allowing the sun back in. If you're in the dark, it might feel like you will always be in there. Fumbling. Alone. But you won't—and you're not."

Read my full review here:
http://www.thebookielooker.com/2015/0...

kezzie

such an important story!!!
so heartbreaking and powerful, truly not what i was expecting at all.

trigger warning: suicide

Julie D.

i just wanted to read a book not have cry like a baby

Sarah Vaughan

A riveting and emotional exploration of what it means to be the ones left behind. 

Cody and Meg were best friends growing up. They did everything together, planned their futures together, and Cody even relied on Meg's wonderful family when she didn't feel she had much of one. They were inseparable. Until they weren't. When Meg learns of Cody's suicide, through an email timed to be sent after her death so that no one could prevent it, she starts to wonder just how much she knew about her best friend, her "better half." Cody journeys across thousands of miles and logs of hundreds of hours of research on what Meg did in the weeks leading up to her death in an attempt to find closure for herself as much as for Meg's parents or anyone else. 

A well-written work of art that will challenge anyone who's ever wondered if they could have done more. A must read.

Samantha Shepherd 

Kathryn 

*4.75*

Oh Gayle Forman. Your writing kills me.

Ps: The side characters in this were the best! Harry, Richard, Scottie, Alice. I love them all.

Ella Zegarra

Qué pienso, pregunta Goodreads. Pienso que es bastante cruel no poder spoilearlos, decir que partes me gustaron, que partes pusieron en una situación conflictiva, o cómo es que este es un libro de Gayle Forman encontrarás un libro espectacular.

No puedo decir mucho más porque todavía falta un poco para que se publique, solo que no sé como es que hace Gayle pero siempre tengo que decir que "este libro fue más personal de lo que esperaba" ¿me espías Gayle?

También en: El Extraño Gato del Cuento

Reseña:

Cuando tu escritora o escritor favorito publica un nuevo libro, creo que la emoción que nos invade es 80% alegría y 20% terror de que su nuevo trabajo no nos guste, en algunos usuarios puede variar pero se entiende la idea ¿Verdad? Luego está Gayle Forman que lo primero que piensas cuando anuncia nuevo libro es “Voy a sufrir cuando lea esto… PUBLÍCATE YA”. Entonces, mientras tengo de fondo a mi banda favorita Willemette Stone, te hablaré de la última publicación de querida Gayle, I WAS HERE. 

Forman nos ha llevado desde el dolor de tomar la decisión más difícil (Si Decido Quedarme) a la desesperación más grande (Just One Day & Just One Year), ¿qué se propondría ahora? Se propondría sorprenderte con el nuevo giro que toma su escritura, preguntarte por qué: ¿Por qué las cosas tienen que pasar así? ¿Por qué no nos damos cuenta de las pequeñas pistas, los pequeños detalles? Desde el momento en que el libro nos habla de suicidio es obvio suponer un caso depresión ¿Por qué más tomaría una decisión tan drástica una persona? Cómo una persona que siempre ha sido muy sincera con su problema de depresión, este libro ha sido bastante incómodo leerlo a veces, porque una de las cosas que uno piensa cuando esta enfermedad te toma más fuerte es ¿qué será de mi familia, mis amigos? Y para darnos esa respuesta Gayle nos trae a Cody, la mejor amiga de Meg y su superviviente.

Algo que es muy resaltante en el libro es la forma diferente en que Gayle escribió I Was Here, más oscura y adulta, no sé si es por el tema bastante serio del libro pero es algo que una como gran admiradora de la narrativa de Forman noté.

La escritora ha dicho que en este libro tendremos a uno de los protagonistas masculinos más sexys que ha escrito. Y sí, Ben tiene LOS ojos, el aura de chico malo, es (como no) músico PERO. Al terminar el libro no sentí esa añoranza instantánea como lo sentí con Adam o Willem, Ben McCallister es un personaje muy conflictivo, tiene muchos momentos adorables, otros bastante sexys e intensos, pero es toda la historia en conjunto que no me hace quererlo sacar del libro, soy muy resentida… No engaño a nadie, quizá no lo tendría como prospecto de BookBoyfriend pero si pudiera sacarlo del libro, no habría fuerza de la naturaleza ni mágica ni satánica que me lo impediría.

No, no te voy a contar más de la historia porque los libros de Gayle son para experimentar personalmente, sin ni un pequeño detalle adelantado. Solo diré que: *saca megáfono* TIENE QUE HABER UN SEGUNDO LIBRO, DEMASIADAS COSAS CONFLICTIVAS QUE ESTE GATO TIENE RESOLVER, NO PUEDE TODO QUEDAR ASÍ, ES HARAM *baja megáfono* Gracias.

Prepárate para odiar a un personaje, para pensar y correr a abrazar a tu mejor amigo.

(clic para escuchar fireflies)

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