Marshall B. Rosenberg

What is Violent Communication? If "violent" means acting in ways that result in hurt or harm, then much of how we communicate—judging others, bullying, having racial bias, blaming, finger pointing, discriminating, speaking without listening, criticizing others or ourselves, name-calling, reacting when angry, using political rhetoric, being defensive or judging who's "good/bad" or what's "right/wrong" with people—could indeed be called "violent communication." What is Nonviolent Communication? Nonviolent Communication is the integration of four things: • Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity • Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance • Communication: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even in disagreement, and how to move toward solutions that work for all • Means of influence: sharing "power with others" rather than using "power over others" Nonviolent Communication serves our desire to do three things: • Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, and connection • Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships • Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit

A Language of Life

Nonviolent Communication

Clinical psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg offers an enlightening look at how peaceful communication can create compassionate connections with family, friends, and other acquaintances.

Piet Terheyden

Non Violent Communication A Language of Life

Lots of good concepts, certainly worth a read. 

Ryan Moore

Heiki Riesenkampf

The book contained one great mental model of thinking about sharing criticism in a constructive manner. While the message was strong and would make anyone better at giving feedback, the book could have been 5x shorter.

Sarah Schumacher

This book is on my ‘Every Human Should Read List’ for a reason. It feels like the kind of emotionally intelligent conversations we should have been taught but never heard. It’s not easy, but it’s eye-opening.

Róbert Istók

What a mindset-shifting book. I thought I already possessed the skills to communicate in a non judgemental way most of the times, but this book taught me a lot!

Bouke van der Bijl

Really pragmatic book on how to communicate your wants and needs effectively, and how to really, actively, listen to other people. Lots of clear and relatable examples of people whose lives and relationships were improved tremendously by really communicating, instead of judging the other person with the words they’re using.

Jimmy Cerone

I used to think I was a great communicator and this book gently showed me my flaws. I’ve so much hope after reading this book that I can heal and grow all my relationships, both cherished and troubled.

I will relisten or reread this. This has a lot of insights. Some of them could be a lil bit deeper tho. 

Patrick Ludewig

linda

** spoiler alert **
           This book was really insightful. I found this gem because it was recommended in the picture book How to Be Happy. At its core, this book was about listening for feelings and needs and connecting with consciousness. I hope to keep applying the techniques of NVC in my life.

Feelings 

“Feel” followed by that, like, as if or any noun = not “true feeling”
- self judgement: I feel inadequate as a guitar player (assessing ability rather than expressing my feelings) vs. I feel frustrated in my guitar playing 

I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work (evaluation) vs. I feel sad/discouraged

I feel misunderstood (evaluates level of understanding) vs. I feel anxious/annoyed

I feel ignored (interpretation of actions of others) vs. I feel abandoned, abused, attacked, unappreciated, unwanted (specific emotions)
- be ware of emotion vs interpretation/diagnosis of another person

Good vs bad prevent reader from connecting easily 

Connect emotion to cause of discomfort; add something that the other person could do to alleviate discomfort

Develop a rich vocabulary of needs

Needs vs. requests/strategies

Learning a Language of needs
- needs are universal 
- she is irresponsible with money 
- I have a need to economically protect the family 
- she has a need to be trusted
- we will run out of money if we trust her

Manfred Max Neef - degree go which economy fulfills needs 

Human needs - sustenance, safety, empathy, honesty, celebration, play, love, warm and accepting community, autonomy

Denial of personal responsibility

- “have to”
- “you make me feel guilty”
- I choose to _______ because _________

Move away from reward/punishment

- there are other ways of keeping social order 
- people should do things because of intrinsic motivation, not extrinsic reward (esp. praise and compliments)

Nonviolent communication = intention is to create the quantity of connection for everyone to get their needs met compassionately 

Observations (observable behavior) vs. evaluations

KEEP OBSERVATIONS AND EVALUATIONS SEPARATE
- let’s not judge others’ behavior
- no generalizations 
- he has a big mouth vs. he would relate to war experiences during staff meetings, which would last 20 minutes more than expected 
- Doug procrastinated vs Doug only studied for the exam the night before 
- prediction with certainty:
If you don’t eat healthy, balanced meals, your health will be impaired vs. if you don’t eat balanced meals, I feel your health may be impaired 
- adv. + adj - Jim is ugly vs. Jim’s looks don’t appeal to me
- always, never - she’s never there when she’s needed vs. there have been several times when I called upon her and she wasn’t available 
- frequently, seldom - you seldom do what I want vs. the last three times I initiated an activity you said you didn’t want to do it
- provoke defensiveness rather than compassion 

Speak your feelings rather than hiding your vulnerability 

Take responsibility for your feelings 

our feelings are a result for what we choose to do

Use BECAUSE I ____ rather than you make me feel, etc. 

It’s not others’ actions that make us feel a certain way, but we are interpreting ourselves to make us feel those feelings

We want to communicate from our needs rather than analyze in a judgmental way

The more directly we connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to understand us

Positive action language 

Express what you do want, rather than what you don’t want
- ask for specific actions - avoid vague, abstract phrasing 

Be aware of what you’re requesting 

Ask other to reflect back when we openly express ourselves 

Make sure requests are not heard as demands (punished, guilted, shamed, coerced)
- don’t blame
- empathize with needs - express a respectful recognition 
- don’t interpret noncompliance as rejection 

Avoid - should, supposed to, justified 

Empathic connection 
- being heard
- reflective listening 
- focus on feelings and needs
- if I’m understanding you, your need for respect isn’t being met 
- don’t put But to the face of an angry person 

Nonviolent communication with self 
- make mistakes - don’t let growing and learning be guided by self hatred
- human beings are not meant to be slaves - that’s why should and have to don’t work
- when we imply that someone is wrong or bad, what we mean is that they are not acting in harmony with our needs

Use language that acknowledges choice 

Gain clarity about the need being served by our actions Make have to/I choose to _____ because I want to ____ list

Avoid guilt, shame, robotlike mentality 

Do things out of play; enrich life moment by moment; make life play 

Using force 

Protective versus punitive (generates resentment and hostility)

Anger

Root = Not being in connection with needs, finding fault, blaming the other person 

- punitive guy
Divorce other person from all responsibility; recognize that it is a stimulus for anger, but not a cause

Guilt - manipulation/coercion
- It disappoints me when you don’t study 
I felt anger because they did not respond to 
- BUT OUR FEELINGS DO NOT EESULT FROM OTHERS DO

Be fully conscious of our need

Instead, shine light on our own needs
Be connected to our need- we may have strong feelings but we’re never angry 
Focus on what needs are being met

Shine light on the others needs; connect 
Be fully present 

I am angry because of what they did vs I’m angry because I’m needing (what I’m needing) and get in touch with (what I’m needing)

It’s not what others do, but the images and interpretations in our heads that produces the anger

Make a list of “I don’t like people who are ____” and recognize what your needs are
- to practice nvc, we need to proceed slowly or not speak at all

Expressing gratitude

Transform praise into appreciation 
- There is no value in being told what we are 
(Ex. You are so intelligent)
- What did I do that contributed to your life?
- How do you feel due to me saying those two things? (Ex. I felt hopeful and relieved)
- What needs of yours did I meet? (Ex. You have me concrete direction for connecting)

Receive gratitude joyfully (vs. egotism/false humility - shrugging it off)
- avoid pitfall of false humility 
it is our light not our darkness that frighten us 
- by letting our own light shine, we let others do the same 

Be aware of how often you complain about things going wrong vs. right
- we crave appreciation 
- celebrate what we did do
- “if I’m 98% correct it’s the 2% I didn’t do”

The latest edition of the communication guide that has sold more than 1,000,000 copies An enlightening look at how peaceful communication can create compassionate connections with family, friends, and other acquaintances, this international bestseller uses stories, examples, and sample dialogues to provide solutions to communication problems both at home and in the workplace. Guidance is provided on identifying and articulating feelings and needs, expressing anger fully, and exploring the power of empathy in order to speak honestly without creating hostility, break patterns of thinking that lead to anger and depression, and communicate compassionately. Included in the new edition is a chapter on conflict resolution and mediation.

Non Violent Communication

Colin Das

Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication models communication into observations, feelings, needs, and requests. What did you see, how did it make you feel, what do you want to happen, then generate a request. 

First of all, we should all learn this stuff in 1st grade: "how to interact with another human"

It's actually difficult: 3) Observing without evaluating is hard, eg, Evaluation: Immigrants don’t take care of their property. eg, Observation: I have not seen the immigrant family living at 1679 Ross shovel the snow on their sidewalk.

You will find new enjoyment in communication and people will appreciate you more. It's a win-win. 

Overall, strong recommendation.

Ethan Ding

got me back into reading, using the skills on a daily basis

Jen Estrella

I wish I read this book 4 years ago, but then maybe I wouldn't have understood it as well as I do now. A lot of the concepts from this book I've already/only learned through counseling. This is an important one: 

  Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own needs and values. When others hear criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. 

In a world where we are often harshly judged for identifying and revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening, especially for women who are socialized to ignore their own needs while caring for others. 

In the course of developing emotional responsibility, most of us experience three stages: (1) "emotional slavery" - believing ourselves responsible for the feelings of others, (2) "the obnoxious stage" - in which we refuse to admit to caring what anyone else feels or needs, and (3) "emotional liberation" - in which we accept full responsibility for own feelings but not the feelings of others, while being aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others.
I got stuck in stage 1 for a while there, that's for sure.

Tinnei

Note: it's a self help book so rating is contextual on stage in life.

The book brought in some great ideas on ways to communicate, and provides frameworks to how to think for the best outcome in real-time conflicts. Also Rosenburg put in a good amount of anecdotes which I thoroughly enjoy as I always love to hear stories.

Good read if you want to improve your relationships with others - friends, family, lovers and cultivate long term connections. 

A simple yet powerful method of communication for mediating conflicts and peacefully resolving differences at the political, professional, and personal levels.

A Language of Compassion

Andrew Molina

A powerful and equally practical way to learn how to truly hear people, and through that understand them and yourself more fully.

João Ferreira

The overall message is great, but I'm very skeptical about the practicality of some of these examples. I suspect several of the proposed sample dialogues would sound very forced to me.

Hugo Ahlberg

Terrible title, great book. I wish I had read this many years ago. I wish more/all people would read this. So many arguments and fights could be avoided, both at work and in relationships with loved ones. Having said that, there are def parts of this book where I scrunched my face in disbelief, but overall a great book which I highly would recommend pretty much to everyone. (thanks for the recommendation Marco!)

Siewling Seet

An essential read for every single person, in my opinion. Don’t let the atrocity that is the cover put you off, I know it’s very “O Level biology assessment book”.

Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life

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