Red Doc>

In later years this
is the one memory he
wishes would go away and
not come back. And the
reason he cannot bear her
dying is not the loss of her
(which is the future) but
that dying puts the two of
them (now) into this
nakedness together that is
unforgivable. They do not
forgive it.

AND YET HOPE turns
out to be let's face it
mostly delusion a word
derived from Latin ludere
meaning "to play a game
with oneself or with others"

ITS ENTIRE FUTURE
jumps into his eyes.
Rooms always startle him.
Doorways. The
bronzeclad heroes of
Homer had a better idea.
To stand in time with your
back to the future your
face to the past what a
relief it would be

WITH RED PENCIL G
had underlined the
sentence where Proust
observes the momentarily
impaired surface of the
eye of a person who has
just had a thought she will
not tell you. It traces a
fissure in the pupil and
disappears back down its
own involuntary depths.
Watch the wake.

To feel anything
deranges you. To be seen
feeling anything strips you
naked. In the grip of it
pleasure or pain doesn't
matter. You think what
will they do what new
power will they acquire if
they see me naked like
this. If they see you
feeling. You have no idea
what. It's not about them.
To be seen is the penalty.

And from that
moment F cannot stop
seeing five beats ahead of
time all the time for the
rest of his life. Every
minute is foreclosed. His
present tense abolished.
No tooth he breaks on an
olive will ever again be
unforeseen. He breaks it
anyway.